It’s April… and April is almost over!
Wow a lot has happened this year! Last year we found out we were expecting around this time. When we found out we were expecting we were so unbelievably excited. I took 6 tests. I cannot explain the joy we felt. We waited a month before I went to my OB. When I arrived the OB checked my pee and it tested positive so she ordered a scan. The ultrasound didn’t show anything. She ordered both the abdominal and Tv ultrasounds and didn’t see anything. She said that I had likely miscarried. She sent me to the lab for bloodwork. When the bloodwork came back it said that I should be showing something on my ultrasound. The levels were high. She diagnosed a miscarriage and asked when I wanted to take the pill to get rid of any remaining tissue. I felt gut punched. I told her I wanted a second opinion. It was a very dark time for me. I cried. I retreated in the closet holding a baby blanket and crying to God. I think I was trying to bargain but I had nothing to give so instead I just cried. It was a horrible grief. No one seemed to understand. It was lonely. I wrote poetry about how “sad” <- that word is too small and meaningless to tell you how I actually felt. It was angry and bitter. The playlist on my Spotify was dark. Everything felt dark and cold. I kept praying through the darkness. Two weeks later I went to a different lab at the hospital for another two ultrasounds. I still remember walking in and the greeter saying ” congrats” and I felt like “you don’t even know what you are talking about… they are just going to confirm what the doctor said” and at the same time I had a sliver of hope that the doctor was wrong. I laid back on the table and let the tech scan my stomach. Nothing showed up. They ran another TV scan and the tech smiled “well there is your little jellybean”. I was shocked. Happily surpassed. Tears welled up in my eyes. I couldn’t believe it. The doctor called me the next day to confirm. There was a clear heartbeat and a tiny little baby. She said I was due late January… which didn’t make sense to me. The numbers just didn’t add up but I took it as a win. They sent us some ultrasound photos with size and due date stamped on them. And so our journey began.
Later I got into heated arguments with other adults who told me that I needed to get a tubal when I had my c-section. The hurt I felt stung pretty deep but I was mostly able to work past it. I still felt very lucky that this baby was showing to be healthy.
Weeks passed and more ultrasounds happened. Every single time I felt incredibly nervous. I still felt like for some reason this pregnancy wasn’t going to last. I felt like this baby was somehow going to be taken away again and that the intense and bitter grief I once felt would return. Soon the due date was adjusted to mid January and then the beginning of January based on growth charts. First I was due on January 24th and then they moved it to January 20th and then the final date was moved to January 12th. It was a constant rollercoaster with tests upon tests the whole pregnancy. Kidney scares and possible heart defects. Gestational diabetes came along. I did the diet pretty strictly. Still the doctor had something scary to say each visit. More ultrasounds to reevaluate what they could see. Would they have to deliver early as the doctor had suggested? Every single time I saw the doctor I had severe anxiety of what was going to go wrong next. The doctor wasn’t billing me and I was getting sent to collections. The whole office was just a huge mess. I was stressed all of the time.
November rolled around. I turned 35. The doctor continued to tell me how high risk I was. I was so nervous. We decided despite being so close to my due date that we would change doctors. We went online and researched the best doctors in the area and the top delivery rooms and narrowed down our choices. And then we just chose one. The next doctor seemed knowledgeable. We set up all of the future appointments and slowly the majority of the anxiety began to fade. It was still there in the back of my mind but it wasn’t constant like it had been. We worked out the delivery date with our new doctor. He wanted to schedule us for the 6th… we weren’t a fan of that number and we negotiated. Our C-section date was finally set for January 8th. We wanted the 7th but were not able to get it. We were disappointed but it could have been worse.
Late morning on January 5th my water broke. I called the hospital and told them I was on my way. Luckily for whatever reason I had slept in and skipped breakfast. We drive to the hospital and parked the car. Contractions were feeling pretty intense. We ran to the elevator… it was out of order. We then parked in a different area and that elevator was out of order too. This happened 3 times before we actually found the entrance and made our way to labor and delivery. The contractions got more and more intense… wow did I forget how they felt. The intake nurses check my status, verified that my water broke and then admitted. me.
The doctors and anesthesiologist introduced themselves. They scheduled my surgery. The spinal pinched or punched like crazy but it brought me a calm from the contractions that had sped up even more. They were just minutes apart now and this baby… this miracle was about to enter the world.
At 4:59 pm my new baby was pulled from my abdomen and held up. I heard his cry and my heart melted. The tarp blocked the baby’s lower half and I could still see my tiny one. A few minutes later Jason held up my new 8lb baby boy for me to see. Two days later Luca was named and was ready to come home. Luca means light. He truly was the light that lit up our year. He and his daddy would share their birthday from now on.
Elijah was excited when we facetimed him “my brother, I have a brother” he exclaimed with unadulterated joy. Arabella was excited as well. They jumped for joy when we pulled into the garage. They couldn’t wait to meet their new baby brother.
It’s been 4 months… Luca is a happy little sugar cube. He’s sweet as can be and growing stronger each day.
35…
Happy birthday to me. 35 came very quickly! This hasn’t been my favorite birthday but I’m happy to have another year with those I love.
Yikes this year has been intense! I’m not really adding to my list this year. I’m just going to check a few things off.
The point isn’t to accomplish everything on a list… the point is to live, to have goals, to explore, and to keep dreaming. I don’t just want to survive…. I want to enrich my life by challenging myself… intellectually and emotionally. I started this list in high school and have expanded it every year since.
My Life Mission Statement: SEEK. SAIL. SOAR.
Constantly Seek my faith, my creator, the love of my life.
Sail onto new lands, visit foreign soil, and open my mind to life unlike my own. Understand others cultures through immersion. Don’t stay comfortable. I learn the most about myself when I am outside of the walls of comfort.
Soar above what I believe I am capable. Make the best of who I am. Challenge myself. Each day try not to be better than anyone other than me. Do not be petty. Try to live a life worthy of the calling I have been given. Be Humble. Be Gentle. Be Patient. Create Peace.
- _: Need to be accomplished.
- X: Been accomplished.
_ Publish a book
X Teach someone to read
_ Swim with turtles
X Graduate high school
X Try Sushi
X Go to at least one dance
X Learn to play an instrument
X Take an advanced course
_ Watch a play in NYC
X Dance at a Powwow
_ Go horseback riding on the beach
X Climb a mountain
_ Skydive
X Ride a Harley
X Watch a thunderstorm in the south
_ See the northern lights
_ Spend a night trying to count the stars
X Learn how to use a gun
X Take a Self Defense course
X Spend the night in a castle
_ Go rock climbing
X Learn to swing dance
X Learn to play the drums
_ Learn to play the piano
_ Learn to play the guitar
X Learn to play the native flute
X Play a bamboo flute
X Learn to paint
X Get the lead in a play
X Direct a play
X Write a play
X Learn how to sketch
X Go on a mission trip
X Sing a solo in front of a crowd
X See the cougars at the zoo
X Pet a tiger
X Go to college
X Graduate college
X Go to graduate school
X Get my masters
X Get Married somewhere beautiful
X Have My Dream wedding
_ Fly a plane
X Shake hands with the president of a country
X Ride a train
X Get a tattoo
X Learn to drive
X Get my drivers License
_ Read a Tale of Two Cities
X Give an inspirational speech
_ Change someones life for the better
_ Hold a baby in a third world country
_ See a giraffe outside the zoo
X Get 7 piercings
X Send 100 letters to people I have never met
_ See the Red Sox play in Fenway
X Eat a dodger dog in Dodger Stadium
X Hold an office
X Plant a tree
_ Develop my own film
_ Learn Spanish
_ Learn Korean
_ Learn Japanese
_ Learn Potawatomi
_ Learn Sign Language
X Learn to cook
X Live in Portland, OR for a little while
X Live in Los Angeles For a while
_ See all 50 States
_Roadtrip across the states
X Visit San Francisco
X Visit Seattle
_ Visit Boston, MA
X Visit Hollywood, CA
X Visit Colorado Springs, CO
X Visit Potawatomi Reservation
X Visit Reno, NV
X Visit Las Vegas, NV
X Visit Mexico
X Visit Canada
_ Visit Venice
_ Visit Zurich
_ Visit Rome
_ Visit Sydney
X Visit London
_ Visit Manila
_ Visit Japan
_ Visit Korea
_ See the Great Wall
_ Visit Ethiopia
_ Visit Peru
_ Visit Prague
_ Visit Cairo
_ See the Museum of Cairo
X Visit Lochness and look for Nessie
X See where C.S. Lewis lived
_ Visit Brazil
X Go Sailing
X Go on a roadtrip
X Sing Karaoke at least once
X See the Shakespeare Festival in Ashland
X Start a drama group
X See a palm-tree in California
X See Yellowstone
X See Yosemite
X See the Redwoods
X See the Sequoias
X See Red Rock
X See the ocean
X Go Snowboarding
X Go Puddle Jumping
X Go Long boarding
_ Windsurf
_ Have a candle light dinner under the stars
X Swim in the ocean (not just wade)
X Go Backpacking
X Experience Love
X Do an independent research project
_ Go Surfing
X Go white water rafting
X Call my FP’s
_ Ride an elephant
_Ride a Camel in the desert
_ Take horseback riding lessons
_ Own a horse
X Color my hair
X Go to at least one reunion
X Take a million photographs
X Meet someone famous
_ Learn to read music
X See more than 50 concerts
X See my mother again before she dies
X See an Opera
_ See a ballet (Live)
X See a Broadway show
X Dance in the rain
X Write a song
_ Do one thing that scares me everyday
X Drive a Jeep
X Own a Business
X Be my own boss
_Apply to a doctoral program
_ Get into a doctoral program
_ Get a doctorate
_ Learn to Sail
_ Own A Sailboat
_Throw a mega party, invite everyone I know, and not care if anyone shows up
_Swim with dolphins
_Fold 1000 origami cranes and give them to random strangers
_Visit a Volcano
_Go on a Disney cruise
X Go to disneyland
X Go to grinchmas
_ Tell someone my life story to a complete stranger without being afraid to spare the details
_Have a food fight at a restaurant
_Go Whale Watching
X Go to at least one major sporting event
_Milk a Cow
_Go Scuba Diving somewhere tropical
_Visit a concentration camp and never forget
X Be the member of an audience on a tv show
X Eat Green Eggs and Ham
_Tango dance in Argentina
_Write a letter to my favorite author
_ Have my portrait painted
X Visit the place I was born
_Watch a lightening storm at sea
X Have a meal with a stranger
X Swim in a pool with all of my clothes on
X See Fireflies
_ Drink Chamomile tea at The Pink Door
_Have a pet goat
X Own a home
X Try Scallops
X Eat at one of Gordon Ramsey’s restaurants
_ Spend a Christmas at Disneyland
_Ride in a horse drawn Sleigh in the snow
_Visit Disneyworld
_Have a HUGE family reunion
_Feed Some Sharks
_Make sure my children experience many cultures
X Adopt a Dog
XGet a Passport
X Buy a Car
X Take my kids to Disneyland
_ Get Mommy and Me Pedicures
_Take a Cooking class
x Write my will
_ Visit the White House
_See the skull of Phineas Gage
_Visit the Museum of Neuroanatomy in Buffalo
_ Visit the International Banana Museum in Mecca, CA
_ Spend a night at June Lake
_ Do Financial Peace University
_ Pay off my student loans
_ Buy a home and stay there until we retire
X See the Dodgers win the World Series
X Take family photos somewhere beautiful
_ Visit the San Diego Zoo
_Stay at Hotel Del Coronado
X Take the kids to an aquarium
_ Try a mint julep
X Color my hair something crazy
_ Try beef Wellington
_ Spend a Christmas in a wintery cabin
_ Spend an entire week on the beach with the kids
X Take the kids on an overseas adventure
X Stand at the southern most point of the USA
_ stand at the southern most point of the USA
Christmas Lights are up!
2020 has been a pretty intense year so far. We purchased our home almost a year ago next month and it has been a lot of fun making personal changes.
The inside had brass fixtures everywhere and was pretty dated but we have been working on updating them one by one. It’s been an adventure for sure. Oh the joys of owning a home.
A few months ago we found out we were pregnant. We were pretty excited. I went to the doctor for the confirmation scan and she told me I had miscarried. It was devastating. We ran blood tests and hormone tests and on the ultrasound didn’t see anything really. However, I felt like I wasn’t as far along as the doctor did and decided to wait for a second opinion. Two weeks later I had another scan and it showed a heartbeat. My doctor said because of the blood tests she didn’t expect it to last. It’s been a crazy adventure ever since. Lots of tests, scans, intense morning sickness, etc. It’s been 30 weeks now.
Our baby shower was mostly online because of all of the COVID stuff going. My doctor wants me around as few people as possible. I have been having some health issues that put me at a higher risk. The doctor says I’ll need some extra stress tests and will likely be switching to weekly appointments soon. If I don’t have any other health issues I might be able to wait until 39 weeks to deliver. But if there are any added issues then there is a chance I will have to deliver at 37 weeks. So for the next 7-8 weeks our little family will be in quarantine. No gatherings over 5 people, no grocery stores, and no big outings where there will be lots of other people. The holidays are going to be rough this year but we are going to make the best of them. It’s also why we started decorating already!
We have been social distancing up to this point as much as possible. But we will be playing it extra safe until this next one is born. The kids are pretty excited to have another sibling and have been trying to come up with their own names. Arabella likes Twilight Sparkle and Elijah likes Kevin. Its been adorable. We’ve all been preparing as much as possible. Miraculously all three car seats even fit in the car!
Well kids are getting restless but here are a few photos of how gigantic they have gotten!
