Thursday, March 22, 2007
Hey
I had friends in Portland wanted pictures of the rain we got today.
Rain.
More of the same.
Love the rain, no matter where it falls.
Tempature dropped from Mid 70’s to within the 50’s in an hour.
The job hunt continues.
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I’ve decided to update some more. It is almost 2am Friday March 23rd. I just got out of the shower, and thought about some things I’ve wanted to blog about.
Two things mainly.
First is my need for affection or attention, sometimes both.
I don’t know how to describe myself other than broken. My actions and everything I do remind me that I am broken (like I need the reminder- ha!).
What does that tell anyone? Such a vague statement.. it says nothing that people didn’t already know. I start with this: It (keyword) isn’t the basis of the friendship- somehow conversations turns to mean something than what was first intended. I seem to be confused with a lot in my life, yet still seeking to change.
I always seem to have a backup plan. I might…. hmm…. I guess the most frank way to put it- I lead someone to believe something will come of nothing. I never use to be this way. I don’t know how it got this way– well maybe I do– but heartbreak isn’t anything I’m talking about tonight. I never really let it go too far.. because I know just how far to push it. Isn’t that weird? Don’t say to each other– I told you so. Anyone who has accused me thus far has been wrong.
Keeping on this I thought to myself… “self, Is it natural?” I don’t think so. I do it and sometimes I don’t even want to. I think that I do it …. in a sense to never really ‘be’ alone. The thought of living my whole life alone freaks me out.
I’ve never been the most popular. Yadda yadda.. you’ve heard it a million different ways from many different people. It’s my story too. I guess I am trying to talk some reason in to why I do what I do. Recently I’ve really been trying to change those actions. Not– to not be friends, but just watching what I say, also how I say things. This isn’t for everyone, in fact it doesn’t even involve more than a friend or two.
“All I am hates who I’ve been.”
Sometimes I think that’s how I end up with so many friends who are female. I don’t really buy into that for too long, because I remember that I haven’t had much positive experience with guys who I can trust. Authentic people..
Learn to live life, don’t learn to find yourself – nobody should have to find themselves.. life is more about creating yourself.
Anyway, sometimes I like writing things like this. Peoples opinion about me shoots down— (in a general sense) I would rather prove people wrong than have to prove them right. Just one of the things I’ve come to realize.
“You are the sum of all your actions.” Bleh.. like little math equations walking everywhere!
Second is a discussion about my own actions.
I want to apologize to my friends in Portland. I warned everyone about this happening before I moved back to Arizona- and it took place anyway.
I started to distance myself from my friends. I do this, but for me it is more of a knee-jerk reaction than anything. I automatically know that I will be missing my friends dearly– and the best way to save the tears and all of the emotions (with regards to my friends and myself) is to distance myself. So the last two weeks or so — I could have spent tons of time at school. Granted— I wasn’t made any offers to come to campus and hang out. Either way, no excuse… I simply didn’t.
I also purposefully avoided some of my friends the last few days I was in Portland. Reason being this: if they said goodbye to me at the end of the day- with nothing wrong.. no tears shed.. then why ruin that? Bleh, the last time I fessed up and said goodbye to someone was Tara (a few years back) and I got all teary eyed and jazz. She took it better than I did! Now I was leaving a place where I had come to be fond of a respectable amount of people.
Such friends like Ruth (main one that sticks out in my head) and others too.
Anyway– I don’t have much more to say than Sorry.
I don’t want to leave it on such a downer, so I’ll blog about one last thing that bothered me.
Tonight the Blazers played the Knicks. I watched it on NBA League Pass. I heard the announcers of Madison Square Garden say “The Knicks should have no problem taking care of the Blazers, they are one of the worst teams in the league” I would say we are not a yet a great team, but certainly not one of the worst.
Ugh. That bugged me so much. I noticed also how dirty the Knicks play. I’m surprised they haven’t gotten in more fights than they have.
Anyway– that seems like a downer, but here is the kicker. We won! :o)
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“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.” – Mark Twain
just Pray
