hey

so I haven’t made a private journal entry for a couple days.. so I figured it was time.

Erika is disclosing a lot of information to me.. I think out of the fact that I’m a friend.. so I’m learning very easily to not get my hopes up, but to be there for a friend who is going through things.

I feel frustrated.

I feel like saying : Don’t try to get close to me, (to any of my friends) because it won’t work. The only one close to me is God, and I have to sometimes struggle to keep close to him.. he is always close to me, but I am not always close to him.

I’m a jerk to my friends. I close them out, and don’t give anyone an explanation for anything. Even here at school.. I am getting a long better with people here than I was in Arizona. They have to interact with me.. or they do. Nobody really has to, but they put up with my crap.. with my moods that I go through.

Half the time I feel like I am living life alone. and I like it.. even though half the time I want to break in half and spill everything I have.

If this gets out, people would know how shallow I am. I fear it.. I fear people. I fear for things that I shouldn’t. I can’t put my trust in anyone.. they will deceive me.. they won’t treat me the same, pick whatever you want to put there and you can make it fit.

I don’t make sense half the time to myself.

To my friends who give up on me : You are wise. If my other friends were wise they would choose a better friend and leave me at the first exit.

I frustrate myself.

I’m not sure what to do, and I don’t tell anyone this besides God, but he knows everything before I do it, and when I will do it again.

The only real reason people talk to me, is because I have a heart for people. I hate when people go through crap, but recently I’ve come across people I can’t help at all. I freeze- I don’t know what to do.

Argh.. God.. please just take me now.

I can’t even compose my thoughts enough to make them stop for enough time to relax. I instead drive off campus.. get take-out and eat in a parking lot, alone. Occasionally when people go by and look at me.. I quickly pick up my phone so it looks like I’m on the phone.. I .. am… such… a ….. loser.

Lord, please be with me. Help me help others, and some how.. let me cope with my own foolishness.. – or better yet.. would you deal with it? I give you my all. Take me and mold me.

Your Child

Jason