Hey

I’m back to my old ways (with hey to start a post)

So today I woke up after 9, and I had work today. I’m hooooorrriibbbllee. I’ve gotta wake up.. heh.. so I called in today.

OH well. Its only 2 days out of 2 years of calling in because of something like this. I’m human too.

So I was doing a lot of thinking last night, about a lot of different things.. I’ll post some of it on here.

alll from a conversation … “You know what happened 8th grade year? The end of the year came and my best friend since kinda told me a lot of stuff.. that opened my eyes about how he used me and.. heh kinda abused our friendship for his own good.

At that point.. I didn’t have any friends. So I entered in 9th grade without any friends and searching for a new identity, … because I was tired of being a dork… so then I got involved with getting drunk and trying weed

But wait you ask – why would someone do such a thing? Well because he had nobody else he could find to be friends with, and this was the kid who was a huge geek, I mean.. he wasn’t athletic or anything, and I stood by him.. but I don’t want to paint myself as a martyr, but yah.

So then I got involved with substances.. found new friends… but they really weren’t that great. I got my first ever girlfriend (and yes my first kiss) sophomore year (from Lori Lindstrom) and then.. I.. what… OH another transformation lol

I lost all my friends by the end of that year because they were just getting involved with drugs and I wanted to take myself in a different direction, not including that I also lost my girlfriend that year..

But something great happened in all of that.. I found really good friends for the rest of the time, which I had until I moved back down from Portland. At that point my closest friends told me I was spending too much time with them and they didn’t have enough time with their new friends, and so I cut loose another set of friends.. however I kept one close friend… Emily up until last summer, which that is destroyed beyond repair now too. Sure we’ll be nice, say hi, and wish each other well, but we both know it won’t ever be the same..

So then I get a set of friends at church within the past year, and now I’ve distanced myself from them due to many reasons, drama with my shortest ever girlfriend (2 weeks- i.e. Becky) but most drama lasted a month or so after it ended.

Well I don’t know. These last friends at church I had/have were/are never… really close like my ones from senior year (with the exception of Tara).. or that first friend I had way back who I thought was close…

So I pose a question to myself.. the same one I have been mulling on for weeks… if I’m not letting people get close to me? or is it just the people surrounding me?

Even if I look online I have people that I talk to lots, then I wont talk to them for a while and if I’m not letting people get close to me then it surely must be because of past friendships I have held and the outcome of them, betrayal of trust, hurt, stuff like that.. because from what reading everything would point to that… to the research and to other peoples similar problems, make no mistake – it is a decision I make, but its not that I don’t let people get close to me.. its more of a problem with a one sided friendship with people..

More recently, and I hate that.. hence me shutting myself out its the type of relationship that was built that is the problem and im not sure… at least I haven’t realized if I am the one setting things up. one sided.. so that I won’t get hurt, because I have become to accept the fact that I am interdependent, and I’ve become one sided, where I have friends who come and tell me every problem they have yet they never ask about me.

So that sets it up that when something is going on and nobody knows about it, cant read it through my emotions or my face, that I feel they really do not know me… and in reality they don’t. And by going through some very major things with nobody around now has me fighting bad habits, such as whenever anyone asks anything personal of me.. I . most of the time don’t even notice that I am doing it but I dodge the questions, and move on- but most of the time the other person doesn’t realize it either.”

See.. random thoughts. But it really isn’t so random, because I have thought of that.. ever since last summer after the Portland trip when met up with Cal (pastor of my church). Looked for patterns of lost friends, searched for reasons behind things… and I think its just what has happened over time… something that sounds easy to overcome, but really isn’t.

Neat little fact, I get 500 text messages a month. Last month I used : 855 texts

And I was over on my minutes too… but everything resets today, and I upped my message limit now too.

So that’s it. I’m going to smile… listen to music go offline and go to church.

Have a good night, God Bless..

Ciao