Hey

Today was alright. I went to work.. whoooo!!! Not really.

It went quickly.. at night it was very slow.. and I wasn’t sent home because of it. I would say that makes it a good day.

I have a thing with some people.. infact.. most people I talk to. I think I do it more out of habit than anything. It is something I have learned to do, a way I have learned to be. If they ask about me.. I shift it to them… easily. I don’t want to talk about me. I don’t want people to learn about me.. I just want to learn about people. When I have something wrong I don’t talk about it.. not typically and if I do it is rare. So why is that? It is nothing personal… I think more-over because I don’t think I have anything worth while to talk about. Why do you think my posting has been coming less and less on here? I just… don’t feel like posting about anything or for that fact about nothing. Maybe thats the reason I lost some of my friends…

I said hi to Emily the other day.. that was interesting. I didn’t get mad.. or I stopped myself from getting mad. Thats good isnt it? No yelling match, instead.. a hi.

My Brother goes to court today, Pray for him.

So…. oh yes, I was and am going to go more in detail about my really good friend at the time that I lost. If you know anything about my past then you know it is Jesse. I think he was the last real ‘guy’ friend I’ve had in a long time. I really felt like I had a good and solid friend in him. When you read this post Don’t get me wrong.. I’m glad things have turned out the way they have because if they hadn’t I wouldn’t have .. I mean.. I pushed back so hard against God… that I finally broke.. like a kid pushing back on the parents.. or a bride pushing away from a husband… I finally listened. Speaking of that.. God is so Awesome. We are the bride that cheats on him, we constantly do it.. we have since we were born. Everyday.. and he still seeks after us. Look at the love people.. Look at it!.. if we lived like that.. we would never have a divorce, I can promise that. How cool is that?! We have the God of all Gods.. seeking after each and every one of us.. for a personal relationship. What a loving God. Praise God. Man.. it blows my mind. Anyway.. back on topic… What happened with me and Jesse you ask? I’m not really sure.. even to this day.. I think only stupid things got in the way. I could be wrong and correct myself as I take a trip down memory lane in this post.

Okay.. so we were great friends.. he had a few friends.. none that were really ‘good’ and same story with me. We were a perfect match for best friends and quickly became just that.. we could relate to so much stuff.. so many things.. on many different level. We had our own language that you usually only hear that women have.. yes.. we … as men.. created our own lingo. It went somethin like “Zone!” hahah… oh man. But anyway.. it was good. I lived in Oregon.. whole time making plans with Lori, and hearing very often from Jesse.. telling me to move back.. he would call my mom.. tell her to move back because he missed his mom. So we moved back from Oregon.. and hung out with him for a month?.. not everyday, but as often as possible. My mouse is moving a across the screen and I’m not even touching it.. I only thought that could happen at work!!! hah.. anyway.. back to the subject…

I hung out with him and after about a month he stopped talking to me because he had work. okay.. I understand that. So I tried to hang out with him on like one day.. maybe saturdays.. anyway.. after another month or so he told me he was going out of town for a week or something. Wouldn’t tell me where.. when or anything. This supposedly my best friend.. I shared everything with him.. believe it or not hahah.. I did. I had no reason to hold anything back.. we were friends and both guys. Thats the kicker.. thats the best part, no chance of any feelings ever coming about. Its a good thing… it is. So.. I have 7 minutes before the Lizzie show starts on Disney.. so I gotta hurry this up.

Boils down… to this : I found out he didn’t really consider me being his best friend, I was a good friend.. but never his best friend. He actually felt a whole lot more.. and … had a whole lot of his life that he never.. and never would tell me about. So.. yeah.. I found this out.. because I was determined to find him.. and tracked him down when word got back to me through some friends that he never left town at all. I went with JJ, and we went to his condo.. then to a store.. and another.. finally caught him in a walmart and we talked.. eventually I dragged it out of him over the course of a week or two. He.. shot off any chance he could when I finally confronted him about everything.. so I .. I don’t remember what I did. I think I got mad. It was stupid.. I .. I dont know.. moreover I suppose I just felt like I had been lied to. Like… this wasn’t what I thought it was….. I suppose in some ways thats how I felt with Emily isnt it? It was unexpected.. I dont hate the guy.. I just really dont have any desire to have a friendship with him. Maybe thats wrong.. maybe I should want a friendship with him.. beats me.

Maybe I just make my friendships.. or I invision them.. to be more than they actually are. Its not a good thing, maybe thats what I need help on. Help to realize things for what they are even if I dont have any really good friends. At least I would still have friends right? I want meaningful friendships so maybe thats my problem. I dont really expect anything from anyone anymore… and thats pretty honest right there. Sure I would have people that I can hang out with and this and that. I just.. use to surrounded myself with the people I found most important to me. I was in for a… Beautiful Letdown? I dont know.. many times I think I am hurt… when I find out how things really are. I’ve never really had a friend sit down and explain things.. and how things were. If they only for an instant cared as much about our friendship as I do… They always pull some crap that makes me.. and them mad. I dont know. I had to of … wanted to spend too much time with him. but I tend to not think so when He came over my house so much sometimes I almost got annoyed.. I honestly don’t really know … other than.. that I mean.. I don’t go out and do things.. like lie or anything.. that will destroy trust. I don’t try to look in the past .. but.. I’m also typing this out.. so if any one sees.. or asks anything.. so.. they might have an insight about things, maybe help me to see something that I can’t see… about how I destroy friendships.. well in that case I’ll reply to it in another post.

Say something other than me making things more than they are. That would just bug me.

Oldies….. well… old friends…. More recently Meghan talked to Dustin at a party.. he said I stalked him because he was with (or cheating??)with Lori when I was trying to get back with her. Somethin like that.. Great friend huh? lol… well.. I suppose I shouldn’t consider him a friend. I just .. I dunno.

Gotta jet.

Take care, God Bless.

Pray Hard.

Ciao