Hey..

Saturday.. remember how I was just going to read my book because I was so tired of all the same stuff? I did it. I read the book.. Shortly after Perry walked over and started up a conversation with me. Then two people sat next to me.. in 2|42 followed by a 3rd. We had a conversation. It was good.. Then I ended up going to the after thing of 2|42.. because the people I sat with had never gone and didn’t have anybody to go with.. and yep. Funny how these things work out after you think you have a certain mindset.

Points of interest… Brian thought I was Jeff.. or Jeffory. Later on Meghan thought I was Noah. She asked my interests and I said buildings arks with Gopher wood. They will be starting the 2|42 bible study on Friday nights.. they knew Jason wanted in.. but nobody knew who Jason was hahahaha. So they asked someone to find out who I was and get the message to me.

Anyway.. I chatted with people.. it was unexpected.. and before I knew it I knew I wasn’t going to be watching Sweet November (great movie) like I planned (because I was 1/2 way through when I was watching it the other day) Later on that night at the Xtreme bean I ran into Kat.. it blew me away… like.. I was frozen.. just staring at her. She is an old friend from school who noticed me. It was interesting.. not something I’ve experienced in a while. I got her email and were talking by email.. so thats a good thing. After a while.. I was at the coffee house by myself and read that book… I like it.. no suprise right?

Other than that… Yesterday we went to Durango (a jail to visit my brother) we arrived at 11:30 and left at 5:30.. took about 6 hours.. little over 4 hours of just waiting to see him because of the long lines. Then last night I was going to do something with Tara.. but I felt out of it.. I called Becky to wish her a Happy Birthday (today) and watched You’ve Got mail again.. I like that movie. Then I wrote up an email.. sent it.. and shorty after went to bed.

I sent the email to Emily and Becky last night. So.. thats all for my update except for maybe a little more at the bottom… mostly the rest of the update is the email I sent to her from top to bottom.. nothin left out.

Hey

I needed some time off from everything to really think about things, and to know what I was going to say before I said it. I… think I am ready for the reply part of this email. You see the holy-spirit has laid it on my heart to resolve anything thats still lingering between us. Even if its only on my part.. (I’m not going to say you have anything lingering) but it still needs to be taken care of.

First off.. I do not excpet anything from this email. Not a reply.. not anything. I would much rather have no reply at all.

I need to say that I am sorry. So here goes.. I’m sorry. That night by the beach was full of emotion, and human beings react on mostly just emotion and not the sense they hold. I am not sure what I feel right now in my heart, other than betrayed in many ways … in my mind the best friendship that I had … was crushed. I admit I didn’t understand and maybe I still do not understand everything to the full effect that you felt.. maybe I never will. I really tried to see your point of view on things.. but it wasn’t enough. It does take two to tango.. so I am just as much at fault for the failure of this friendship.

I want to tell you as of right now.. I do not feel like I need to pursue this friendship.. I feel there is no need. Anything we had.. has been vandalized.. broken.. destroyed, and there is nothing left but a multitude of mixed feelings that remain. I feel it is broken beyond repair.. at least at this point in time. I can’t say that if we apologized to each other that everything would be fine.. and could move on, because this hits very deeply into who I am.

The friendship that we once held we no longer have.. and to be honest there is not really a desire to have that friendship back now that I understand things under a fuller spectrum.

I want to apologize for not telling you about Sabrina right away, and for not holding a conversation every time we talked.

I’m sorry for everything I am leaving out that you pointed out.

Hopefully someday you will really forgive me in your heart. I do not want a reply from this email, but I also sent one to Becky.

Sorry Becky for putting you in the middle of this. I know how hard it is to be the middle person… I shouldn’t have reacted the way I had.. sorry that you felt that the only thing I wanted from you was a relationship. I wanted to become bestfriends first and go from there.. but I guess things just didn’t go as planned with anything. If I re-did everything I would only fine tune some things.. I can’t say what I wouldn’t do. I may have ruined things in the midst of a bleeding friendship we already had, and I’m sorry. Being totally honest with the both of you, I do not feel like I can really confide or trust either of you at this point in time, so if we talk and it is about me.. it will be limited.

I do need to say that the cuts.. were deeper and harder after I found the talking that was being done behind my back. I am not a saint to this either.. I talked to people, but not to win them over.. but so they could hear my side of the story.. I shouldn’t have and I’m sorry. I am not fully over things… but I feel I need to mention it and leave everything on the table with you Emily, making sure nothing is held back. I still am very hurt when I think of everything.. and I really am not sure how things would have turned out if you went to the coffee plantation last night the same time I was there… I am almost glad you didnt and I am not sure where to take things from here.. how to react.. other than to make sure everything is out. Finding out that you talk to Sabrina now blew my mind away too. I have posted every detail thats happened on my website to the select people who read it. I am still in shock over everything when I think of it. This whole thing has been a horrible experience.. to the point where I am forgetting what has happened. I tried for a long time to forget things.. it started slowly.. but now its dumping everything from the past we had.

In conclusion… The screaming that night by the ocean didn’t help.. it made things worse.. it made things more emotional .. more resentful.

Don’t get the meaning of this Email mixed up… I am not doing this for points with either of you, I am doing this because If I don’t, I wont be well with God. I am seeking his face more than ever… and I need to make sure everything is fine with me and the people around me.

I have said all that I set out and wanted/needed to say. Once again please don’t reply to this.. this wasn’t meant to get things started up again, or to bring back up everything that has passed. If you feel compelled to reply.. then do so, but don’t hold your breath waiting for me to give another reply. I’m just being honest…

Take care

Ciao.

Toldja that was it. Anyway… things seem to be going alright. Today I was woken up at 10:30.. then I told my mom to come back in 5 minutes. She fell asleep.. I did too.. she woke me up at 2!!!! heh… how funny!! I never ——— neeeevvveeerrr sleep in that late. Crazyness.
Thats it! Take care, God Bless..

Pray Hard.

Ciao!