Never did I ever…

hey,

So I was doing some thinking earlier today (amazing I know) about how life has played out thus far.

Never did I ever think that I’d be in the position I am now with a steady and good-paying job.

I never thought that I would have a job that would allow me to work from home full-time. That allowed me the opportunity to not miss a day with my last child (who is now 2?!?). I’ll take it for as long as I can get it.

I never thought that in my late 30s, I would still feel like a fraud, an imposter. Everything we have seems to hang on the balance of the fact that others see me better than I see myself.

I live in Oregon. Better yet, in the Portland area. That was a dream of mine that I thought might never come to pass. With that being said, I never desired to live on the east side of Portland. Yet here I am. It took us a while to embrace it, and now we love being so close to waterfall hikes and the gorge. This far-far east area that we live in also cools down quicker than the Portland metro, so we generally get more snow and cooler evenings in the summer. It’s a win, but never one I thought I’d ever consider or want.

I never thought that we would struggle as much as we had to find a church and get involved. My views on the church and faith, and everything that goes along with that have dramatically changed. I didn’t see that happening. I always considered it a struggle – but did not foresee it lasting this long. Never did I ever think that I was blinded to very toxic traits within the church and that the church would ultimately choose hate over love.

I never thought that we would move to be near the wife’s family, only to never see said family. I never thought that it was an error in judgment that I considered our relationship with them to be special. I never thought there would be so many walls that would likely never be broken down due to a lack of communication. I never thought that our kids would not have relationships with their cousins aunts and uncles.

I never thought that I would have 3 kids. I never thought I would have any kids born in Arizona, little loan two. I never thought we would buy our first house in Arizona, or that we would grow to love the southwest. I never thought I’d have a kid born in Portland, as a true Oregonian.

I never thought that my brother would grow up and choose to not have a relationship with me or my family. I never thought he would get addicted to drugs or beat his girlfriend while never divorcing (or seeing) his wife. I also never thought that he would continue that practice for 10+ years (and counting). Going so far as to get the police called on him because he threatened to kill her with a knife. I never thought he would have a child and have it taken away by the state because of neglect (and the choice of the aforementioned drugs). That he would spend years of his life behind bars and make countless empty promises to make things better.

I never thought I would tell my brother about the birth of my children, only to have him forget that I ever told him in the first place. Then argue with me about how many kids I have.

I never thought I’d live through a global pandemic or a celebrity presidency.

Never did I ever think that I would consider moving out of Oregon.

just Pray