hey

so I haven’t blogged much. I have been going through xanga and deleting a lot of posts.. I have kept a few. I think that site will be to keep a few… of what I see as good posts. The rest will be deleted. It will take some time to go through all of the posts. Besides, anyone who reads that now.. well.. they won’t find out anything much about me. Maybe just that some random person occasionally had a deep blog every few months.

It was my parents 33rd anniversary on Friday.. and JJ’s 26th birthday yesterday.

So… I have been feeling ungrateful lately and I don’t know why. Not so much in one thing or another. It is an overall feeling. I do have much to feel and be grateful for. I don’t think by typing these things out it will help my case any. I know what they are. It is just something with my attitude. I think I’ll start praying about it.

Something that has been on my mind a lot lately… is moving. And everything involved with that. If it is finding a job, or anything. A big thing though has been my friend JJ moving. If he will and if he does, if he will be able to handle it. He goes out almost every night- he has friends who want to hang out with him. Not a little – but a lot. If I bring this up to him he tells me that it isn’t what it seems. Yet year after year these same people are in his life. His friends like Patrick and others will always be there for him.

Yes they come with drama and some baggage- but who doesn’t?

I don’t know. I do think that if he moves to Portland it may not be everything he has mapped out in his head. He wants big changes in his life.. but is starting fresh from a friend perspective one of them? I wish I could say, but I have this nagging feeling that he will miss these things and soon return to them. Maybe even to the lifestyle he is living. I don’t think this is the best thing for him – but it isn’t about what I want or what I think is best for him.

I have tried to hang out with him recently and he has been too busy with other people. Even to come over for a little. Since Emily’s birthday last month I have been trying to find a time for JJ to come over (somewhat close to his birthday) so he could pick up his present. He hasn’t had time. After work, on the weekend.. on days off.. doesn’t matter. I don’t think he is doing it on purpose… but it still doesn’t feel very good. I got himself and Emily both jerseys that they had previously said they wanted. Customized Jerseys… now a gift that I had well in advance (a month or so) will be late. In a last attempt (yesterday was his birthday) I texted him asking him if I could come to his work. He replied back a few hours later saying that he wasn’t at work but was in a place with poor reception. Okay, … I give in.

I have also tried to get him over so we can talk about apartments. And as far as that goes who will be signing on the dotted line? I mean who will be main person on the lease? He has told me that whatever I set up will be fine. On that same token I do not want to be the one signing the lease – getting everything set up – doing all the work….. I just don’t think that is fair. I know life isn’t fair, but this is supposed to be a move that we both want to make. I just wish it would start to seem that way.

Will it happen? I ask myself that. I ask myself that a lot. I don’t know. I want so badly to be moving out. I want to find a good job and to start a new era in my life. Somehow there are all these areas of grey thick fog and it doesn’t seem to be getting any better. I am making plans to move as of the beginning of May. If need be I have promised myself to move out (just myself) by the end of May – yes up to Portland.

I just wish life had an easy button. Easy decisions… no worries. Hakunamatata type of a deal.

I have been thinking that in a few months I might make this blog public again, just because most of the people who were reading my blog before have given up. In addition – my personal domain will be expiring – and I will not renew the contract for jshox.com

so in my history I have had..

i2kdigital.net
shoxwave.com
jshox.com

all spanning from 1998 to 2009… and I think that will be it for me. If I do get a domain in the future I am sure it will be for my blog alone. Who really needs to know what my other links are on the web? And my poetry is that of the past.

I’ve got to get going and reply to some of these texts.

just Pray