updates in the past four days.

The Cardinals have won against the Carolina Panthers – if they win the next game they are in the Superbowl – and the next game will be back here in Arizona.

I just logged into the Cascade network to which I have access… having once been a student in that college. So many twisted emotions….(referring to mine)when thinking about that college, but I clicked on a prayer blog they had. Very deep and open.. one that I hope this blog can reach.

I need to start reading the bible again. I need to start praying again… I just don’t have the desire to. It has made me timid.

I’ve discussed in little detail about Aleesha’s viewpoints on what she believes. She believes that when we die we have a choice on what happens… either we are reincarnated or going to heaven or hell (noting to me that hell wasn’t so much a choice but a punishment).

The source? A “feeling” that she has – saying she believes it can happen. Whenever her mom would see a humming bird she would say it was her grandma watching over them. That sounds much like my friend JJ. Who … I really can’t talk to about what I believe. Isn’t that horrible?

He believes similar things as Aleesha – which is somewhat scary – but also believes that Jesus is in everything and a part of everything. Some mythological type of view that he says he believes in. Very hard for me to talk to him about it- because he will talk over you. He talks over me and tries to complete my sentence – the only problem with that is how he finishes his sentence is not the way I would have finished mine. This can go on and I try to explain my viewpoint, but somehow we just go in circles for what seems like forever.

I have gone through many changes in my faith and on some level everything I do tends to define what I believe in – and it just is ever changing. Yet God is never changing.. so it sometimes makes me wonder what exactly I’m up to. Am I starting to get things right? Or have I taken a terribly wrong turn somewhere?

I just don’t know. I want to be able to relate with everybody. I want to be able to reach out to people that the Christian statusquo would otherwise not be able to. Yet somehow I lose ground.. and then before I know it I am struggling with my own faith, no longer being on the solid ground I was once on. Someone who I look up to.. Kevin Max. I have always looked up to him for various reasons. Mostly because of his writing. His ability to express himself in ways that I found very real and close to the way I would express myself.

He’s a strong Christian… yet has been through a divorce and has many tattoos. I just don’t know.

It seems that many things I talk about I start off with a lot of force.. focus and passion – but somehow I lose my point. Maybe it is my very own voice that makes me lose focus.

That brings me to my second thing I’ll talk about. No segue, just a time to change subjects.

Aleesha.

I wish I could tell the future. Read emotions and thoughts. It would make things a lot easier. Here is my train of thought. I like Aleesha, a lot. She likes me. We will meet up and something will go wrong. If not initially- then eventually. Why? It feels like a ticking time bomb inside of me.

Spillage of beans. Yup – two things. First one being that nothing good (with females) ever seems to go right – at least if they go right they never last. I have a … fairly low self esteem of what I look like. I’ll be honest, I hate going to places and every person I meet thinking I’m 16. It just bothers me.. so if it bothers me that much I can’t imagine that Aleesha will just love what she is looking at when we meet up. Yeah pictures can show you what people look like… but I think I’ll be a let down. I hardly think I deserve anyone like her as it is. She is amazing.

Second … time bomb. If – some how.. the first tragedy is avoided, the second one is almost surefire. Did you know the thought has passed of compromising my own faith just to be with Aleesha? haha.. It sounds crazy. And for people who don’t put much stock in what they believe it probably doesn’t seem like anything big. For me.. it is quite big. I can’t HELP but think that if things work out, that someday.. down the road.. months or years later we would.. possibly.. be married. Right? That’s not the bad thing. Sometimes I feel like my own faith can be my very own demise. At least in a relationship standpoint. Whats worse is I write this with the very knowledge that Aleesha will read this. I can’t marry someone who isn’t a Christian.

Okay, lets talk about this. I can.

Yeah, I really could. (you think I’m crazy, right?) I know people who have done it before and things have worked out fine. Here is my thing. Tell me what you would do. If Aleesha was very strong in a particular faith… to which she thought was the key of life. Say she’s Muslim. She may or may not want to marry me. If she was deep in her faith – I would have to convert to marry her. If she didn’t care that much.. then well that’s how it goes. But there is a third scenario that I’m not sure how to tell. If she really believed with every fiber of her being that what she believed was true… she couldn’t marry me having conflicting views. Why?

So many implications.. lifestyles, finical management and further on down how you raise your kids. Take away ALL of that and I still couldn’t.

What if something happened to her and she died, without ever believing? Therein lies my problem. I couldn’t live with myself if that took place. I’m not saying I need all this at once, right now or never – I just feel it … if anything will be the unraveling of our relationship. The bad part of this is that I have fallen incredibly hard for her. More than I could have imagined. Find a way around this.. and well… see what happens.

I only bring this up because eventually it will come up in one form or another. Before either of us invest a ton more into something that could possible be the best thing that has happened to me in my life… I think these things should be presented.

Last thing before I go… I once had a girlfriend who said she was going to become a Christian- for me. I wouldn’t want someone believing something just because I believe in it. That doesn’t become their faith – rather its my faith super imposed on them. I had to break up with her… because she thought that I wanted her to become a Christian for me.. I didn’t want her to believe what I believed for the purpose of us being together – her believing was a key factor in us being together because my faith is a part of who I am; however she should find her faith on her own terms… not my terms. I was with her for six months.. it was very hard to do. I guess that is the best I can explain what was on my mind.

Do tell me what you think.

just Pray