Just talked to a friend that I haven’t talked to in a year. No kidding… I called that chick tons of times. Over the year I don’t doubt if I called a hundred or more times.
Katie
It was weird to talk to her. We use to be best friends, so it was kinda a trip for me.
Anyway– I just got off the phone with her. I didn’t know what to say but she was able to talk the bulk of the 1/2 hour we talked. I don’t expect to talk to her again, nah I’ll be positive… maybe in another year.
Sports news, Blazers lost today. Kevin Garnett shot at the buzzer and made it. We were so close it wasn’t funny. Watch the recap ([ here ]). With that the Blazers playoff hopes drifted away. Now it would take a miracle to make the 8th and final spot.
I am thinking of deleting AIM. Every time I log on…20 people might be online, but about 15 are away. Always that way…. It is annoying.
I tried to go to some Salsa competition yesterday to visit with Meg, but they were charging people to get in and would only accept cash. Oi…
“Is it getting better, is it getting worse, was it ever worth it? Was it just a curse? Is it getting better now?” – Reggie and the Full Effect
You know.. I went to fix an error on my last post and accidently clicked “Update Time and Stamp” while clicking submit. So fooey. This is my first real post for Friday… even though it may not be. :oP
This is a pretty cool link. click here. It updates every 5 minutes automatically. Double click to zoom in.
Another chance to learn about me blog
I am independent. I don’t depend on anyone– even as much as my friends get close to me, I still don’t put the (thinks of the word for it) load? I don’t put it on them – or anyone. I can count on my family, that is a blessing. Everyone from My parents to Michael and Heidi. We’ve always been a closely knit group, especially with how small our family size is.
Having said that, I don’t feel that I need to ‘talk’ about what I blogged about. At least not with people to whom it doesn’t even regard.
This is my “I know it already” attitude, but I also have heard everything everyone has said before. About life, God, focus– I’ve done research on things, read books etc etc
Anyway. Cascade had some thing with their system that they didn’t add to my account, so they said I owed them 1000 more. They researched it, added some of the things I should have gotten anyway, and said that I needed to pay 500 instead.
Least everything is paid off… on the school level haha. Goodness knows I still have my share of loans.
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(this is space after I remember the thing I wanted to blog about– but can’t remember at the moment — To Be Filled!) Yes.. You will have to check back later if you want to read it.
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The last thing I want to post about in this blog is the term success.
I looked up the definition…
suc·cess
–noun
1.
the favorable or prosperous termination of attempts or endeavors.
2.
the attainment of wealth, position, honors, or the like.
3.
a successful performance or achievement: The play was an instant success.
4.
a person or thing that is successful: She was a great success on the talk show.
Why is this being blogged about? I struggle with success in life. Not really.. but then totally. To be a success in others eyes seems to be something I still yearn for. Something I still want, even if I tell myself and pray about being only successful for the Kingdom of God.
It doesn’t matter, I always get back into what society claims success as. I know it isn’t some posh job, or some hefty pay. I know it isn’t getting a college degree, or even getting married and having kids. I guess I haven’t come to a real defining moment as to what I personally define success at. I can tell you this, that if I had all of those things I just listed I would consider myself successful.
I want to be successful, yet at every turn my life seems to go down a different route. Maybe not a good route, maybe not a bad route, just one that I don’t deem as successful. Like, a feeling of just wasting away- trying to figure out success on a personal level.
“I’m headed for the breakdown” – Breaking Benjamin
Even when I was high on life, growing daily in my personal walk. I would just work at Sears, witness to people I knew, to my friends. I would see changes and be part of exciting changes in peoples lives, yet success was not at my fingertips.
I am not looking for an explanation of success. These are just my thoughts.
“I used to wake up at 4 A.M. and start sneezing, sometimes for five hours. I tried to find out what sort of allergy I had but finally came to the conclusion that it must be an allergy to consciousness.” – James Thurber
I had friends in Portland wanted pictures of the rain we got today.
Rain.
More of the same.
Love the rain, no matter where it falls.
Tempature dropped from Mid 70’s to within the 50’s in an hour.
The job hunt continues.
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I’ve decided to update some more. It is almost 2am Friday March 23rd. I just got out of the shower, and thought about some things I’ve wanted to blog about.
Two things mainly.
First is my need for affection or attention, sometimes both.
I don’t know how to describe myself other than broken. My actions and everything I do remind me that I am broken (like I need the reminder- ha!).
What does that tell anyone? Such a vague statement.. it says nothing that people didn’t already know. I start with this: It (keyword) isn’t the basis of the friendship- somehow conversations turns to mean something than what was first intended. I seem to be confused with a lot in my life, yet still seeking to change.
I always seem to have a backup plan. I might…. hmm…. I guess the most frank way to put it- I lead someone to believe something will come of nothing. I never use to be this way. I don’t know how it got this way– well maybe I do– but heartbreak isn’t anything I’m talking about tonight. I never really let it go too far.. because I know just how far to push it. Isn’t that weird? Don’t say to each other– I told you so. Anyone who has accused me thus far has been wrong.
Keeping on this I thought to myself… “self, Is it natural?” I don’t think so. I do it and sometimes I don’t even want to. I think that I do it …. in a sense to never really ‘be’ alone. The thought of living my whole life alone freaks me out.
I’ve never been the most popular. Yadda yadda.. you’ve heard it a million different ways from many different people. It’s my story too. I guess I am trying to talk some reason in to why I do what I do. Recently I’ve really been trying to change those actions. Not– to not be friends, but just watching what I say, also how I say things. This isn’t for everyone, in fact it doesn’t even involve more than a friend or two.
“All I am hates who I’ve been.”
Sometimes I think that’s how I end up with so many friends who are female. I don’t really buy into that for too long, because I remember that I haven’t had much positive experience with guys who I can trust. Authentic people..
Learn to live life, don’t learn to find yourself – nobody should have to find themselves.. life is more about creating yourself.
Anyway, sometimes I like writing things like this. Peoples opinion about me shoots down— (in a general sense) I would rather prove people wrong than have to prove them right. Just one of the things I’ve come to realize.
“You are the sum of all your actions.” Bleh.. like little math equations walking everywhere!
Second is a discussion about my own actions.
I want to apologize to my friends in Portland. I warned everyone about this happening before I moved back to Arizona- and it took place anyway.
I started to distance myself from my friends. I do this, but for me it is more of a knee-jerk reaction than anything. I automatically know that I will be missing my friends dearly– and the best way to save the tears and all of the emotions (with regards to my friends and myself) is to distance myself. So the last two weeks or so — I could have spent tons of time at school. Granted— I wasn’t made any offers to come to campus and hang out. Either way, no excuse… I simply didn’t.
I also purposefully avoided some of my friends the last few days I was in Portland. Reason being this: if they said goodbye to me at the end of the day- with nothing wrong.. no tears shed.. then why ruin that? Bleh, the last time I fessed up and said goodbye to someone was Tara (a few years back) and I got all teary eyed and jazz. She took it better than I did! Now I was leaving a place where I had come to be fond of a respectable amount of people.
Such friends like Ruth (main one that sticks out in my head) and others too.
Anyway– I don’t have much more to say than Sorry.
I don’t want to leave it on such a downer, so I’ll blog about one last thing that bothered me.
Tonight the Blazers played the Knicks. I watched it on NBA League Pass. I heard the announcers of Madison Square Garden say “The Knicks should have no problem taking care of the Blazers, they are one of the worst teams in the league” I would say we are not a yet a great team, but certainly not one of the worst.
Ugh. That bugged me so much. I noticed also how dirty the Knicks play. I’m surprised they haven’t gotten in more fights than they have.
Anyway– that seems like a downer, but here is the kicker. We won! :o)
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“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.” – Mark Twain
Worked on this a little… I do one every year or so. It isn’t anything much. Just some pictures I put together, some that I’ve had on my website.. some designs from my website.
More of a slide show through the years than anything. The pictures that mean something to me, friends that mean something to me. But I have found out by really thinking about who is in the pictures.. that I don’t have a lot of my friends with pictures (that should make some of you feel better).
Anywho sometimes I publish them just to jshox.com but this year I’ll put it on my blog. Because thats what my website is coming down to now-a-days anyway.
And also, free publicity for this church but it is pretty cool what they are doing. Living Hope church in Portland metro area, will be having Easter services at the Rose Quarter. The place the Blazers play! 😉 Thats awesome.
