hey
*big pause*
It is 1:15am, I just got back from hanging out with Billie Jo and Jay – I really miss hanging out with her… and Jay is one of the best guys on campus.
Today was different.. in fact this whole week has been kinda different because I have been thinking about school a lot and where I am at.
This is going to be a long post.. so whoever gets weak at reading a lot.. turn away now. If you are from Cascade it might make for an interesting read.
Monday I went through school – I woke up on time but went back to sleep because I didn’t want to get up and go to class. Then when I realized I had a 10oclock class I was too late and said ‘okay I’ll just sleep through chapel’ and slept until 12:00. I went to my 1, 2, & 3oclock classes and skipped out of voices. I kept thinking… ‘man I don’t like it here at Cascade why am I trapped here.. what can I do about it?’ So I researched it – and found that I could get a 70 to 80% return on my tuition this week if I withdraw – but next week it would drop to 50%. I have been losing my desire to go to classes. I have been getting talked to by my mom (who occasionally calls to make sure I am up) haha anywho.. she convinces me to go to class.
Then I went through a whole big thing with calling U of A and calling the Higher Learning Commission to make sure Cascade was accredited. They are, but it took me like 2 days to figure that out. (there are certain types of accreditation and I was told of problems that occur when you try to transfer credits out of Cascade – those are all false.. if you can’t transfer a credit from Cascade it is because it doesn’t go towards your degree)
So I talked things over with my parents (they know how I feel about Cascade) and told them I had a chance to get out and get money back. They told me that: first- if I felt this way I shouldn’t have returned in the first place (I agree but I thought that winter break would make everything better), and second that I should do it (to which I agreed).
I continued on with the process of stuff and in my gut – I started to feel like maybe I shouldn’t do it. Tuesday night I talked it over with my parents.. again getting the re-assurance that if I really was struggling with it this much I should withdraw. I have been struggling to be challenged spiritually at school… I am coming to find out that — maybe I shouldn’t have expected it in the first place. Just because it is a Christian school doesn’t mean that you will grow.. or that people will be open to hearing what the bible has to say.
What exactly are my struggles? I’ll explain them:
I don’t get along with my suite mates. I use to get along with Allan, but after he apologized.. it just isn’t anything that will be a friendship.. or at least at the rate it is going. Secondly… the guy who borrowed money – we kinda don’t like each other (Griff) and then there is a Korean student who I honestly try to talk with but he doesn’t always understand what I’m saying.. or vise versa.
Next is academically: I do not feel like I am getting an education. All of my classes have given me things that I already know. I even went to my bible teacher and told him that the bible classes that I’m in – well… I’m not learning anything from.. granted it is a good review – but I’m not learning and I’m paying so much to be here.. I feel like I should be getting an education.
Third is the people and I guess the campus. It is very small.. and there are a few rumors going on in the campus.. either about me being a bad guy for breaking girls hearts, or that I am all together not trustworthy. I can tell you this… there are a few .. Few people on the whole campus who can say that they know me. Jay.. Ruth.. Stacie.. and nobody else. I know when people are talking behind my back.. and you know what folks? It hurts. It hurts to hear people always making fun of Matthew Graham. Yeah the kid isn’t perfect- but who is? Don’t get me started on that.. This is a Christian place… where (I hope) people are seeking to be as Christ-like as possible. In other words.. Grow up! Read the bible, it speaks out about and against these things! And why does everyone want to judge a book by its cover?
Add that on to my feelings with certain members of Tri-Phi…
The more I went over these points with the 3 teachers I explained it to.. each one said: Cascade isn’t for everyone, and that I should do what will make me happy. Brian Simmons made a point that I am trying to be as Christ-like as I can – so really with this decision there may not be clear A or B as to what God wants me to do (meaning if I should stay at Cascade).
I am trying to weigh everything out. I’ve asked certain teachers and friends to Pray for me.. just to pray for the Wisdom to make the right choice.. so that at the end of the week I will find peace in my choice. If I choose to say.. I will probably have a lot of work to make up…
I’ve also been told that I shouldn’t take the easy way out. I really thought about this.. and I wasn’t honestly sure if I was doing that. Am I just trying to take the easy way out?.. or what?
Here is the bottom line… ever since I have had the talks with the teachers (who did not try to sway me one way or the other) I have been leaning towards staying. And the reason behind that is this: I feel that I could do a lot better being here than I could elsewhere. When I say that I mean.. I have influence here with the people I talk to..(even if rumors are being spread about me) I have the chance to speak into their lives. I am a man who is seeking Christ in any way that is possible.. I have opportunity to make something out of what can be called a bad situation. Imagine if I could turn this situation into something others would notice…. if I could just reflect God’s goodness in every situation..
Not walk away…
I’m still not sure.. tomorrow I am going to withdraw myself from the campus and then pray intensively about it.
If everyone who prays.. would pray for me.. (unless I already asked you) I would appreciate it.
Pray Hard, God Bless
Ciao