Another post thats now unprotected.
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
So.. this is the email of the day.
Becca,
I was hoping that you would have just forgotten about that. But no, of course not. It’s a shame… I wasn’t going to mention it if you weren’t.
Questions of your email : Wasn’t planning on being out that late, but it was good to stay i think so tell me.. whats the I think for? thats.. kinda.. like… what?
Obviously there was some awkwardness at the Bean hah.. I don’t really think you’re having a famous ‘cigar moment’ but i’ll tell you if you go in those moments too much.. mkay? hah
“the thing that really got me is when you said you felt like you couldn’t be yourself because i was there. kind of hurt, made me think about it, i will leave the next time if you want. i don’t want you to feel weird or like you have to act different just because i am there. i may just be overanalyzing this (which isn’t a surprise because i ALWAYS overanalyze statements & actions by other people). So if you can explain that’d be helpful. if not i can understand”
Yadda yadda yadda. Do you remember that conversation that took place that night.. later on? You said that people who sometimes like other people at first dont know how to react.. or something along those lines. However.. later on I made a point to.. do anything but react the way I was? It was bugging the heck out of me. Thats what I’m talking about when I say I’m a different person.. but I’m .. just.. Trapped in the circumstance. Okay.. maybe you don’t remember the conversation we had about the reaction with people and stuff.. but I dont like to dodge bullets, but I really didn’t want to tell you why. Asking all of my friends, the conclusion is that it’s best that you know why. I think they’re crazy.
First off, I apologize. I.. never meant to hurt you. I don’t want you to leave next time, if anything i’ll leave. You didn’t really overanalyze anything. It shall come to no suprise to you … but I’m going to say it again, just 6 months later? haha.. I like you. I can’t help it. I’ve tried… I mean.. you know how it came up… ? That no matter how much Lisa didn’t have a chance with me.. she still may think she does? I don’t like to think like that.. but even after Emily told me you said I’d never have a chance with you.. I liked you. Its odd.. not something I’m use to… maybe I’m a tad ‘demented’? haha.. I hope not, but here is your chance to think more about yourself. You are a truly amazing person.. and think how little I know of you…
I don’t want you to act differently around me.. and thats my biggest fear of bringing this subject back up. Why can’t I just be myself? I think… well… Its silly because I know you don’t like me.. so it doesn’t make much sense to my acting the way I do. I guess… I am protecting myself? So that if you reject any more of what you don’t already know of me… that I won’t be hurt by it? Crazy.. I know. I am just taking things in stride… thats all.
I really do want to be your friend, and as I said.. anything I can get I’ll take, and no.. I wont make any assumptions about anything. I know how you feel.
Yeah.. hows that for a big eye opener. Now I feel… like I want to end this email! haha.
Okay.. well thats it for me.. about the haircut.. yes. I did get a haircut, but could you tell which one? Haha.. I know I’m corny.. oh well.
Another thing you should know that I prioritize the whole ’emailing you back’ thing. So usually when you email me I will reply rather quickly. I was actually going to reply at like 5am, but I decided to do it at night.
So you can reply or do whatever you’re going to. But I’m going to go watch the rest of the Blazers game.. (yes I emailed you over watching the Blazers).
Anyway.. take care and I shall talk to you.. later!
God Bless… Ciao
Jason
