hey.. this week was long… this is going to be a very lenghty post when I get done typing it up.

Man oh man.. I wish I could have never gone on the trip…… with Emily.

It was once said in church that journals are pointless if they just tell about your life.. they also have to tell about your spiritual walk.. or they are rather pointless.

So.. I’m going to try to start doing that….. keyword : try.

I really want to type everything out day by day.. but from recent memory I can say that… I didn’t enjoy myself. It all boils down like this…

In the airport Emily was on the phone.. I asked who it was …. It was Travis. Who’s this guy? She explained to me that she liked him. You have to understand me and Emily have been going through some rought times ever since she mulled on getting baptized.

It was almost like it healed our friendship. I felt hope. I told her about my car work (had a spoiler put on.. go to my GT page to see.. or click here) so we were good. All day in Portland and our trip up to Seattle was great. I had a blast. We went saw the Spaceneedle… we even took a trip to Canada. On the way back we had great talks about many different things… Then we came back into Seattle and stayed the night at a hotel downtown. Nice hotel.. good view over some buildings.

Then the fun started.

We started our 3 hour ride back down to Portland from Seattle.. and on the way down.. she got a call from Travis. I jokingly said that I’d talk to him and proceeded to open up the phone. She freaked. Snatched the phone from my hand.. slammed it shut and told me that I would Not be talking to Travis. Fine… but hey.. why over-react? So I was kinda upset at how she handeled the situation. Then my parents started in on some stuff with me. My dad had been in constant arugment the whole .. and now my mom was telling me to be quiet. We finally got to the hotel room… and I was pretty mad. I went into my room.. and I was going to get ready to leave with Laurie (my friend from Portland who I use to work with at Target) It was all set.. she was coming to pick me up. It was already pre-planned with my parents that just I was going to go.. because I only am able to see her once … maybe twice. And I didn’t want Emily making it ackward by not knowing what to say.. or having to pair up with one person and not talk to the other. Just not my idea of fun. So we are all in my hotel room.. and he says “maybe Emily wants to go”… I’m all like.. nahh its okay. He’s all “yeah you don’t want her to go anyway Do you?” right infront of Emily and everything. Yeah real smooth smart guy…totally Annoyed me… So Emily then left in a huff and so did my parents after my reply of “No, I don’t want her to go.” I’m not going to lie.. you want me to say it? Fine I’ll say it. So they all left and said they were leaving to go somewhere.

Fine.

I walked out of my room to leave and wait in the lobby.. taking 3 steps.. I could hear everyone talking about me. I peeked around the corner and low and behold.. everyone was sitting around the table talking about me “and just look… there he is now” oh yeah.. its me. they started refering me to Michael.. and saying that my attitude was just like his.. and that I’m pretty much dumb. I don’t know when to talk.. I don’t know when to shut up.. I don’t know how to say things.. and yeah.. I dont think before I talk. So I said to them “you were talking behind my back” to a reply of “well nothing we wouldn’t have said right up to your face anyway!” Oh man.. so they kinda just yelled at me to go back into my room.. which I did.. slamming the door along the way. Fusturation set in… so after waiting for a while… now really angered I waited in the Lobby and waited for Laurie. She came and picked me up.

Oh it was nice. She was a blessing.. because I was actually thinking of taking my suitcase and just leaving.. because I dont need this in my life.. I don’t need friends like that, and if my family wants to play it that way.. lets see how they do without me. I talked to her and we had quite a few deep conversations thru our visit.. it was great. Really good stuff.. Emily called me once.. with voice mail.. My parents called me like 10 times and left two messages.. but I didn’t answer the phone because I was so fed up.

I was going back into the hotel and my mom called.. asked me why I didn’t answer and this and that. Wasn’t a really good conversation.. and yep.. so I told her I was going to bed and taking a shower. She said that they were coming to get me.. and we were going to go out to eat. I refused.. even tho I was starved.. I refused. So angry with everything.. I’d rather go without than see the faces that plot against me. In other words “screw that”

Talked to Katie (another blessing) before I went to bed… so yeah I slept.. angerly. haha.. I was really mad.

Next day we left.. my mom came in before we left the hotel and tried to talk to me a little.. but I was way too out of it. She ended up yelling at me for something.. I forget what.

Okay.. we left and drove.. for a few hours… along the way we stopped at a rest stop. Emily wasn’t talking to me anymore.. and her whole message to me was saying she was sorry for not answering the phone around me.. and that she would for now on. Since that she wouldn’t get OFF the phone around us. Annoying.. yeah. So I must tell you all.. I heard her say “I love you” to Travis, after she told me she just liked him. How would you take that? This is supposed to be your best friend.. who shares everything with you… reguardless… I mean.. even when you confront her about it she still hides stuff. How can I trust that?

Anyway at the rest stop my mom yelled at me… telling me to change now.. I told her that I wasn’t going to lie.. and that I can’t control my emotions right now.. but I won’t be changing.. so I told her I wasn’t going to sit here and lie to her and everyone.. and say that I’ll change. She yelled at me again… and told my dad to do the same a she went into the bathroom. He didn’t.. he just ignored me and talked to Emily.

Second rest stop we got out.. and she apologized for yelling at me.

Third stop.. we were at the hotel.. and everyone went into their rooms… I dropped my stuff off and sat in the lobby (we were not going to do anything the rest of the day) so I figured.. why be cooped up in a hotel room? This way if I wanted to I could talk on the phone.. or even go for a walk. My mom comes out of her room and tells me to go in my room. Yes… I argued with her.. telling her what I just told you.. (me and emily shared a room.. and my parents had their own room) so what difference did it make? We wern’t going to do anything.. and I didn’t want to be cooped up. So sat there.. watching Everybody Loves Raymond. Then she came up to me and told me “you know what? You are really pushing me… I prayed before I walked out my room for paitence and you are really pushing it now. I swear to you.. I just want to strangle you right now.” Gee thanks mom. So after that she stormed off. Then I went online and you have all my posts that are private now. Emily doesn’t need to see them.. nor do my parents (who use to read them)

That night was bad..up until my parents went to get gas. They asked me to come along.. and I went. They tried to talk to me along the way… never apologizing.. but just making chit chat. Ended up we started to talk. They had news for me… oh boy. how much more fun can I have in two days? Emily really likes Travis.. (nobody can talk to her about anything in this post.. if you do then she will most likely hate you too and beg for you to shut up) He is in a gang… and said that if anyone hurts Emily.. they will get hurt. So my parents were worried for me. They also let me know about things like when Emily said she wasn’t going to get baptized.. that she really only said that to “get me off her back” Oh happiness started to fill me now (not really) and they also told me that Emily explained she didn’t tell me about Travis.. because I didn’t tell her about Sabrina when I first met her. Despite the fact that I did.. and the reason I didn’t right away was because I was ashamed of it. But thats fine. She has major problems with me.. and just really cut me down a bunch at the dinner table that I refused to go to a night earlier. Oh boy.. good friend.. I feel good now.. It wasn’t over the fact that she lied to me about things.. or held things from me.. but the one thing I ask from my friends is that they tell me if they have a problem with me. She got mad over something that happened with Sabrina 10 months ago.. and has been holding it this whole time. She also said she talkes to Becky A lot.. and talks to her about stuff that she wont tell anyone.. nor will Emily. oh more secrets I suppose… but thats okay. Little did I know that.. but hah.. earlier I left a message asking to talk to Becky.. because I felt like I could talk to her. I also talked to Tara (another big blessing) and I still felt really bad. Next day I got a message from Becky.. that she just got off the phone with Emily.. and didn’t feel like talking anymore but.. I should “talk things out” with Emily.

Hahahaha looks like she’s spoiled her already. *sighs* I mean.. I liked Becky.. so that was under handed… but my parents said Emily made it sound like she talks to her all the time about deep stuff reguarding me.

For the next few days.. things just got worse… she refused to do stuff we asked her to… and other stuff.. it was pretty bad. It got really bad…. I had a horrible time.. I wanted this to be over.. and I felt SO incredible betrayed.. I hadn’t felt it this bad… all in one week.. since my brother did some stuff a long time ago.

I called Becky up and told her “we need to talk” and I haven’t heard from her since.

So then I just kinda went on the week.. watching Emily give me dirty looks and turn the other way when I looked her way. Or better yet.. just watching her change the instant my parents were around.. and putting on a nice happy face.

This was great.

The whole week was pretty much ruined by this whole thing.. and I got a lot of time to talk and mull on what was my best corse of action with this situation. It was determined that I’d just stop talking to her after we get back. But on the last night before we were to come back to Portland my mom told me to talk with her and let everything get out in the open.

Alright then.

I told my mom to tell her to come out (becuase I really was getting sick just thinking of it) She came out.. and we talked a little… but mostly we argued. She tried to make it out like I never tell her anything.. and she never can do this or that. Then we started yelling.. until some people yelled at us to go back in (at the hotel.. i mean this is like 1:30am) I was yelled and cussed at (it was a suprise to me) and yeah… my parents came in and told us to be quite because we woke them up and other people. So she started crying… ran outside (we were staying by the ocean.. and had a nice beach view) and sat watching the fog roll in. With reluctance.. and not really knowing what was going to happen.. I went to talk to her.

She told me she was in love.. and that she didn’t think that it was a big deal. About Travis? She feels that she has everything in control and she also feels that we are going to look down on him.. now that we know his history. Yeah.. thats it. So.. I told her that we were just looking out for her.. because she can’t control someones emotion if they are mad. Kinda telling her to be careful.. and she rolled her eyes and me and said she had everything undercontrol.

Yeah.. so then what.. we sat for a while.. she told me she didn’t really want to be friends… and I told her what I was going to do.. but she said she didn’t know what to do from here.. if we should be friends or not.

Then we came back to AZ.. and things were a little better.. but not really. Major stuff went down.. and yeah.. I dont think I have a friend in her anymore… not at all. But at least everything is out in the open right?

Thats it for me and my.. so called…. Vacation.

Take care.. I’ve been praying for you all…

God Bless.

Ciao