I had a good night
Blazers beat the Nets, and I got to vent about problems that I had yesterday with my parents and everything that went on.
Here’s a summary. I’m just tired my brother can walk through the door, with all of his history and still be my dads favorite. Yes – it seems like I’m just a little kid complaining. My dad can really only relate or ever have a ‘serious’ talk with him. My mom’s taken to him pretty well too, and … then before he leaves.. he almost cries about how me and him dont have a friendship. I don’t really care. I dont want to hear a salesmans pitch anymore. So I told my parents that because they thought I was being mean to my brother, I wasn’t. I was cool, and thats a lot better than mean and yelling like I felt like doing. I am not going to eat something that he feeds me because it looks good. No thanks I’ve been down that road ten different times. It was just eating me up inside I talked to my parents about this stuff ten thousand times over about how he can talk, talk, and talk – but I want to see something before im going to believe him. So Yep. His words have no foundation and thats about it. Just my brother. Bothering me. I mean for goodness sake he walks out side asks very vague questions about my life then stands there and says “I’m sorry im such a Shi%%y brother.” What did he want me to say? Its okay? What was he expecting me to say to that? Maybe my reply should have been “Quit swearing”? No. So then at the dinnertable I didnt say a word. A Freakin thing. And you know what? MY chair.. my freakin char that I sit in every single night…. heres the thing. It sits next to my dad. My brother comes in and looks for a place to sit.. my dad points to my chair and say “that ones not taken” What the heck? What now? So I told my mom and she was pretty much been the understanding one, so she had him move. then my dad say “oh yeah i forgot” you forgot? you forgot? i’ve been living with you my whole life, and hes been out of your life for 2 or 3 years without a word and even LONGER since hes sat at a table and sat and ate with us but you forgot? Yeah to say the least I’m a little mad. SO I went to go eat some pie after Emily left and my mom was getting ready for bed.. so I was like “comon show me where it is” *and 5 minutes before is when i said im not going to buy into another salesmans pitch* and what does she do? nothing. “Its in the kitchen – im going to bed” What? AYE you just wanna drive me crazy. So then when im all done eating she comes in my room *I asked her if she came in to apologize* She said – “no im just saying I love you and goodnight” So I let her say it and close the door behind her.
Today I got to vent everything but the fact that they are just letting him come back in, and they basicly said that they don’t care if they get hurt – they want to believe him. And as for the rest? The Chair? Aparently my dad forgot? Oh well. My parents still want me to be nicer to him. I’m not going to spill my guts to him. I pretty much was yelling – not at them, but just all the fusturation that is pent up in me because of my brother. Goodness he really doesn’t bring the best of me. This has to be a test to see how well I fair. I’d say so far.. well.. I guess I’ll work on it. The sight of him alone makes me sick to my stomach. He has my cell – I think I’d rather talk to him over the phone (where I can’t see him or his face) than face to face. It’s a start – but for it to work, he’s going to do the calling. I really am going about this the wrong way aren’t I? I should be opening my arms and saying “oh I missed you” and stuff like that, but he still needs to do a lot. He has build everything back.. – I mean, yesterday was the first time I saw my brother in Years.
Years.
The whole thing just made me sick to my stomach and I didn’t really have anybody to talk to. Sabrina didn’t answer her phone and then later on in the night, she was around her parents.
So I talked to Katie and Emily. Mostly Katie – (nothing w/Emily) I just was over talking about it when she replied about it. So thank you Katie for being there for me. Last night I really felt like breaking down and – not crying – but… I just felt I needed to be Anywhere but here. There is still a lot of bad blood between me and my brother. I’m suprised I still even call him that. Man.. just so many things.
One day.
The next time we can have this fun experiecne? He’s coming for for Christmas, and maybe spending the night. The thought of it alone makes me cringe. I’m trying to be nice, I’m trying to make sure my heart is not hardened towards him – but it is really really hard.
Pray for me.
Ciao
*update* www.shoxwave.com