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F-eye-ve deys off and no longer counting

January 26, 2009

What is there to say about this week… it’s been crazy. Today is Monday.I had a dream last night that someone attacked me. I woke up with my pillow in a lock. I couldn’t help but laugh. I believed this was my cue to go back.But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I just miss it Maybe I still need time to think things overIs this who I really am Or is this just a game I am playing Why do I love it?How did I get here where do I go what am I doingI feel lazy I feel decadent Maybe it is time to let goBut it has even creaked into my dreams It has become such a memorable part of my life It has leaked into who I amIt’s inspiring It’s insightful It’s influencingIt helps me understand so many things It helps me explain so many things It proves to me so many thingsIt’s like faith… you never reach your peak, you always have more to learn, you always have room to grow… even the best can use improvement somewhere.The metaphors are beautiful. But why do I continue? What makes me love it?I have never been athletic. I haven’t really ever been good at anything besides being a workaholic. It teaches me that failure really is a lamppost to achievement. It shines light on our mistakes so we can learn to discard them. It teaches me that falling is only one more lesson to show us how to get back up. It teaches me that I don’t have to change and be someone I’m not. I am who I am. I try to be something good, something better… but I don’t try to be someone else. It teaches me honor and respect and discipline and loyalty. It teaches me integrity and perseverance and enlightenment. It teaches me how to better understand my faith and my life and my foundation. It teaches me to be humble and meek. It gives me a group of people who surround me with common interests and insights. It makes me smile. It shows me that I am capable of more than I ever thought I could be physically. It’s an adrenaline rush. It creates positive goals. It give me hope.It has taught me:That sometimes you have to set aside what you’ve already learned in order to learn something new.That the basic things must continuously be relearned (when placed in a biblical perspective it also reigns true).Shows me that discipline is like a carvers tool… something must be shaped before it can be refined and then perfected. (hmmm… kind of how God works in our lives?)Respect others and gain their respectLaughter is beautiful medicineGo through the objectAppearance is nothing: don’t let your eyes blind you. Someone may look bigger or stronger or scarier but with confidence and calmness you can defeat anyoneViolence in the name of anger or spite is just plain stupidYou have to trust yourself (I’m still working on this one)Breathe.Don’t tense up.Stretch daily.Our body is a temple… take care of it.Learn your weakness and use them as advantagesBeing short isn’t so bad after allYou will never accomplish what you do not tryYour body is capable of WAY more than you could ever imagineEveryone looks foolish at some pointThe end justifies the means

And as Bruce Lee said “Be water my friend”…

Don’t get set into one form, adapt it and build your own, and let it grow, be like water. Empty your mind, be formless, shapeless — like water. Now you put water in a cup, it becomes the cup; You put water into a bottle it becomes the bottle; You put it in a teapot it becomes the teapot. Water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend.There are ten million other things that I have learned and will continue to learn, It’s beautiful. These are just a couple that I can put into words in a very simple way. Believe me when I say many more of these lessons are too complex to write about. Someday I’ll share it with everyone I know. Now is not that time though

Happy like a child with hope in her eyes

January 25, 2009

It’s strange to be where I am today.
I look around and I am nowhere that I expected I would be.
I will not weep.
I will rejoice.
Struggles make me strong.
Trials make me sturdy.
I’ve been pretty sad lately.
I don’t show it as well as I should.
But I don’t want to be sad anymore.
So I will spin.
I will spin in circles until I fall down like a child.
And I will get up.
Dizzy as can be… I will get up.
And I will spin again and again and again.
Why?
Because.
Because it is simply fun.
I’ve spent a lot of time around children lately.
You might think this is strange.
I think it’s refreshing.
I didn’t used to think I liked children.
I tried to avoid them.
Then one day… out of the blue Dakota walked into my life.
She changed it forever.
I don’t know what happened to her.
But I do know that she has humbled me.
She took me by the hand and led me to a far away land….
A land of HOPE.
Children don’t see things the way that adults do.
They are innocent.
They are precious.
They have imaginations.
Simply enough they are inspiring.
I’m not just talking about five year olds either…
kids from zero to 18.
The ones that still believe that they can conquer the world or become
SUPERHEROS in every day life.
Little girls that believe in prince charming.
Little boys that believe they can fly.
Young love.
Imagination.
Faith.
Tiny hands.
Sticky fingers.
Breathing their first breath.
Saying their first word.
Experiencing firsts and not thinking the world is out to get them.
Children have a gift… innocence.
I myself have lost sight of so many things in everyday life.
I tend to allow people to take advantage of me.
I trust too soon.
I give too much.
These are my weaknesses.
It could be worse.
I thought that I would be forever jaded by the cruelty of the world
but I refuse to be,
I do not want to posses so much vanity that I turn my back on others
Money would be nice to have but I’d much rather have love.
I’d much rather be able to give love.
There are things that I would love to have, things I would love to do…
But these things are temporary.
I need to accept that.
Permanence is a lie.
Permanence is a false sense of security.
I don’t want to live a lie.

I want to spin.
I want to give everything a whorl just like a child would.
I want to embrace firsts… even if they hurt.
I believe that though my circumstances are not chosen…
I can choose how to react.
Bitterness only destroys what little joy we can glean from painful experiences.
I believe that we can find good in anything.
I am looking for the good in this situation.
I know that good will come from this.
I have HOPE.
It is faint and distant but it is there.
Some hope is better than none at all.
I want to spin.
I want to twirl.
I want to be amazed by the wind blowing my sundress into a circle.
It is ok to feel sad.
But sadness cannot take over the goodness.
I have hope.

Heaven doesn’t seem very far away.
Life is precious.
I’m not who I thought I would be.
I’ve considered things I thought I’d never consider.
I’ve been beat down.
I’ve been abandoned.
I’ve been alone.
But I have hope.
Hope that things will soon change.

I will not dwell on the apology that I think I deserve.
But I will not dare to forget to apologize to those I owe it to.
I will make things right to the best of my ability.
I will dare to love again.
I will dare to have hope in something greater than myself again.
I cannot change the world on my own.
But like a child… I’d like to believe that I can.
Why do we rob their ideals from them?
Why do we create our realities the way we do?!
Why are we so skeptical?
Why do we give up?
Why do we hurt the ones we love?
BECAUSE we’re Afraid.
That’s pretty simple.
But what are we afraid of?
EVERYTHING:
-including being afraid itself.

I do not deny that I am discouraged.
I am.
But I have hope.
Looking at those tiny hands…
hearing those tiny laughs…
I have to.
I have to believe that they can make a difference…
the difference that I never did.
Though I am sad… I am also happy.
I am happy because change is coming.
And some of it must be good.
I have hope.
Children create change.
Innocence is the cure for fear.
And as I looked into those tiny eyes…
I knew.
Everything was going to be okay.
As that little body squiggled in my arms…
I knew.
Something good was in my life.
Now the irony here begins when you look at my life.
I work very well with children.
But I don’t LOVE being around them all of the time.
I am better with teenagers …weird eh?
But they continue to teach me…
They continue to teach me how simple life can be.
They take you by the hand as they stumble through their first steps
and they let you know that this day is going to be wonderful…
simply enough because you are in it.
Life will never turn out the way we expected it to.
Otherwise I would be some bigshot lawyer who ran a non prof org for
street kids. I would have already traveled the entire world.
I would have my F-40. I would be the most compassionate person in the world. I would be a million other things.
But it didn’t turn out that way.
It turned out this way.
And it changes daily.
I can’t complain.
I need to quit worrying.
I need to breathe in and out.
I need to know that God isn’t just kicking back and watching the show laughing at me as I fail.
I know He is good.
Things will change.
So I want to spin.
I want to twirl.
I need to be happy like a child with hope in her eyes.

As I pace up and down…

January 21, 2009

Current mood:

exhausted

Sleep escapes my unlacing breath…
Insomnia soars through my cerebral veins.
I simply enough cannot sleep.
I try to walk it off. I lay back down and I try to dream.
I toss and I turn. A million thoughts continue to run through my mind.
Maybe I need a sedative. I hate drugs, I hate chemicals.
I don’t even like taking an Advil. My eyes are heavy but my mind is fast.
They begin to burn from dryness, from wakefulness. I continue to toss and turn.
So I walk the halls to try and walk off my thoughts… it doesn’t work.
I put on my iPod and walk the block a few times.
One O’clock. Two O’clock. Three O’clock… and Four.
I stumble back in just long enough to take a quick nap on the floor.
Five O’clock. Six… Seven. My day begins. I pace. I think. My mind races.
I cannot concentrate. The things I love more than anything begin to frustrate me.
Insomnia is a cure for happiness… it robs me of my passion. It exhausts me from my day. My passions are hard to grasp. I cannot complete a simple task. I know the insomnia would end… if only I could quit thinking, quit pacing, and quit racing for just a moment. Insomnia would end. Vulnerability would seize to exist. I would be a normal human being again… free from spacing out of every day life. My eye lids would feel weightless. My body would bounce with energy and excitement. My muscles would heal from their excessive daily use. I would not grow weary… strength would pour from my very being… if my InSoMnIa would melt away; If I could calm my thoughts for just a quarter of a second. But instead I pace up and down…………….