My Engagement
en⋅gage⋅ment
an encounter, conflict, or battle: We have had two very costly engagements with the enemy this week alone.I find myself experiencing an engagement with certain views and lifestyles of those around me. There is no other way to describe it but…STUPIDITY. I will listen to your view and nod. But PLEASE don’t expect me to agree with you. Pushing your views on me… especially when I don’t like them in the first place is not a good idea. Do I try and shove my Christianity down your throat? NO! No I do not. So please don’t push your psychic, crystal ball, ghost hunting, telepathic, out of body experience lifestyle onto me! I am SO sick of this ridiculous talk. It would be one thing if you could intelligently support some kind philosophy. But instead you state your opinion as if it is fact. You act like there is no other truth but what floats through your synopsis and gets stuck in the wrong cleft. Please at least give me some kind of substantial argument! Don’t just blab away the first thing that comes to mind… my mother did that. It’s weird. It’s annoying. I dislike it more than I can say. My words are not enough.And criticizing me for not sleeping around… UGH! It’s not who I am. It’s not who I want to be. So it’s been almost a year since I’ve even kissed someone. So I haven’t been in a serious relationship since well let’s not get into that again. Actually you remind me of him more each day…so let’s get into that. Why would I want to be around someone who manipulates me and makes me feel guilty just for being who I am… for sticking to my convictions… and for not giving in. I want to have integrity. I shouldn’t be ashamed of that. What is it with people who think that just because I’m not sleeping with every somewhat attractive man in sight there is something wrong with me?!?! UGH!!!! Ok I’m done venting about that!Singing. Breathing. Dancing.
Can you imagine what it would be like to spend an entire evening trying to count the stars? Sounds like heaven right? Well it does to me. Camping. Hiking. Being wrapped in a blanket of stars. It sounds wonderful. Then again I look up at the sky on a clear beautiful evening and find myself in awe. I am nothing more than a grain of sand. It’s comforting for some reason. I’m not the type of person who needs to be set up on a stage by myself in front of the world. I’d rather walk through life improving the lives of those who I come in contact with… silently… secretly. I want to smile behind a closed door knowing that my life was not lived in vain. I don’t want to live for myself. I learn to bear my soul… I learn to love without judgment… I learn to live the life worthy of my calling. I am amazed. I like simple. Simple is beautiful. I will never need a lot of money or fancy things. Instead… I just want to be happy. I’m willing to make the sacrifices to do so. I am willing to give up wealth and pride and status. To Hades with those things any way!
So what do I say to societal norms?
I say that I will wear pretty dresses for no reason. Who needs a reason to feel beautiful?
I say that I will dance…. even if I look ridiculous.
I will sing in the shower even if others are listening.
but more importantly I WILL LIVE! I will laugh and I will cry. I will do everything I can to make sure that my life was full and worthwhile. That’s how life has been for the last 11 months or so and I will continue. So I’m not who some of you think I should be. I’ve already accomplished more than whoever writes the statistics said was possible. I love life. Probably because it isn’t as complicated as it could be. I like simple. With simple I can simply do extraordinary things. Primarily because I ma not tied down to heavy weights holding me back… and even in my work I know that I am molding and shaping and loving other individuals. Once it becomes about me or money I know it’s time to move on. I don’t want to be like that. I’m ready to dive off into the deep spots… to swing across the river on a rope… I’m ready to free fall into the icy cold waters of the pacific northwest. It is here that I wake myself up… it is here that I realize life isn’t about what you can attain in a material manner but rather what you can accomplish in the lives of those around you. This is who I am. I don’t mind that it makes me shiver sometimes… that occasionally I second guess myself. I know that in the end… whatever the end is… I will have lived life to the fullest. It will have been so full that my cup was overflowing. To love people… that is my calling. Noting more. Nothing less. It’s time for me to find the nearest lake and take the plunge again and again and again.
I’m ready to jump… are you?
Here at 23 it’s the same old thing…
I have no idea how this blog will turn out… like all of my writing it seems to have a mind of its own. I am a writer… I write even when I have nothing to say. It’s my way of taking my thoughts, organizing them and then figuring out what to keep and what to throw out. It is here that I calm my expeditious mind. My constant stream of thinking tends to flow at a rapid pace. It is never slow. I’m ok with that. Even if it means that others cannot understand exactly how I skip from one subject to another.. they all are connected by something to me. This is also why when I am writing I occasionaly leave out words… my hands cannot type as fast as my mind processes its thoughts. It’s funny and frustrating at the same time. This little blog however is just intended to be an update… life has spun me in directions I didn’t know existed.
One day I wake up and I’m on the move… the next I have settled into a new environment like some color changing chamelion. I blend.
I’m begining to see the trend in all of this. I meet people… I fall in love with them (not speaking romantics here) and then it is my time to move again… to be somewhere else… to find yet another family.
I cannot understand the trust that almost perfect strangers bestow on me. I have more house keys to various peoples houses than a janitor has on his key ring… and the further in life I go the more that these keys appear to accumulate. It’s strange.
It is not something that I can assimilate cognitively. I do not intentionally run into someone and assume that we will be best buddies… it just happens. It’s happened my entire life. I’m not sure if it is a gift.
But until recently I haven’t realized it. Now that I’ve realized it I’ve learned to appreciate it. I don’t know what it is that makes people think that they can trust me… with their children or house keys or deepest darkest secrets but the weird thing is that they’re right. Once they have entrusted me with their most valuable things… I cannot dissapoint them. People need to know that not everyone is bad.
I am not necissarily good but I wont let them down if I can at all help it. I learn to love them. Love them despite all of their imperfects and despite my own.
This is my biggest weakness. And my most wonderful trait all in one. The responsibility is colossal as is the heartbreak when the entrustment or conviction isn’t reciprocated.
There is pain where there is pleasure. But I wouldn’t take it back. It’s everything that I asked God for. I wanted Him to give me a heart to see the good in everyone and love regardless of what they have done wrong. It worked. He gave me what I asked for.
It’s been a rollercoaster… and I think I’ll stay on the ride. Who wants to sit back and watch life happen? I’d rather live it… despite the heartache. Despite the goodbyes. Destpite the pain that comes with it. I know that whatever happens, that no matter where I go… there will always be family. Some I’ve met and some I will meet along the way.
When it comes to this area of my life… I really am “like water”… put me into a teapot and I become a teapot… put me into a glass and I become the glass… I change with my surroundings. However, I am still water. My shape might change but my heart does not. I’m pretty sure that this isn’t how Mr. Lee intended the phrase to be used.
But I digress… this wasn’t really an update at all was it?! It was another aimless and pointless ranting of a mind constantly firing… electricity that never sleeps. Neron after neron… dendrite after dendrite… axon after axon…chemical after chemical… protected by a sheath that cannot be penetrated by the outside world until my choosing. What a beautiful charge…a writers cherub. I couldn’t dream for anything more. I find myself content with my imperfect and unfinished life. This Journey Is Not My Own….