Uncomfortable but Beautiful

 
 
It’s been an interesting journey… the last 24 or so months of my life. I found out a lot about people, those around me and myself. The change is incredible. But it can be completely uncomfortable at times too. I am a bit of a shy person… it doesn’t really seem like it when you get to know me but I am. It’s hard for me to step out of my comfort zone to reach out and connect with others who do not already know me. That’s why I push myself.It is my philosophy that part of life is sharing it with others. But I feel weird… like I’m crossing some kind of invisible line. It’s uncomfortable to reach out to the unknown. But if no one ever did can you imagine how cold the world would be? People should be appreciated and loved… even when its uncomfortable. It’s not easy but its worth it… even if you yourself never get anything directly from it. One by one I believe that we can change the world in small but meaningful ways.I smile at strangers. I know that it’s dangerous. Life is dangerous. If it wasn’t it wouldn’t be worth living. My life is worth living. Despite the danger. Despite the pain. My life is worth living. I want to be a difference maker. I might just be young and stupid enough to believe that I can still make a difference. What is it about aging that makes us quit trying? Maybe it is the experience or the pain or the disappointment or the discouragement. I’m not giving up yet. I may not completely change the world… but I can make a difference… one person at a time. One awkward, uncomfortable, risk taking  situation at a time.This week has been a week full of risk taking awkward adventures. I felt human. I felt powerless. I thought I was. As I stood there and let their tears flow onto my shoulder. As I listened to their pulsing breaths explain the pain that they were experiencing.  I listened with my ears, but more importantly with my heart. These people are more than mere souls sharing the earth with me, with us. We weren’t intended to just pass them by and ignore the adventure. It is in people that the real adventure begins… this is what makes life extraordinary. People make life extraordinary. I don’t want it to be ordinary.  Now I know it’s terrifying.  I do. I’ve been abandoned. I’ve been broken. I’ve been beat down. I’ve been left to rot.  That’s the reason I want to be different.I’ve crawled out of the trenches. I know that there will be times that I get pushed back in… heaven knows it’s happened more times than I can count… but it isn’t over until I quit climbing. Or until I start purposely pushing others in. I don’t want to make the world a colder place. I want to be a difference maker like my difference makers were to me. Difference makers are risk takers. I suppose I’ve always been a risk taker… not always in a good way. There is a difference you know. I’ve taken stupid risks too. They made life interesting but not extraordinary.Anyway… what it boils down to is: People are important. Don’t waste your time on things that aren’t. Sometimes the things that scare us the most, that make us incredibly uncomfortable, are the things that are the most worthwhile. Take changes. Don’t be afraid to get hurt. Don’t be afraid to crawl out of the trench when you are pushed in (you will be pushed in sometimes) and don’t look at humans as just passing souls sharing the earth with you until their time is up. Welcome them into your life… share what you have and let them share theirs. It wont be easy. But I guarantee that it will be worthwhile.Does this mean jump in carelessly? No. It just means to put your toe in… the water may be cold but it might be nice to understand why.   You may not be able to change them, and once you get to know them you may not want to.  In the end… you may just realize that there is more to your life than you thought was there. You will discover yourself as you get to know others. Discover life. It’s beautiful.
 

oh how I wish I was a superhero

When I see people whom I love in pain… I cannot help but wish that I had the superpower to take it all away and make them feel better. Instead I find myself powerless. I cannot express how much this bothers me. I wish that I wasn’t a mere human on days like today… days when loved ones pass away… days when accidents happen… days where depression sneaks into the lives of the innocent… days that those whom I love are hurting. I want to have a magical wand and wave it over their head ABRACADABRA! POOF… sadness fades and happiness is there to stay.  I wish I could at least give them a peace… even if it was a peace that couldn’t be understood. But I am human and that is not something I am capable of. So I grieve with them. I cry with them. I love them. I try to hold them in my arms, I try to embrace them by loving them without trying to fix it. No words have to be said…  a silent understanding… some with tears…. some as dry as the hot summer desert. Sometimes silence can be just as comforting. And if they talk I will listen. My opinion isn’t needed at times like these. I will just listen. And if they don’t want to talk about it… if they want to talk about anything else. I’m okay with that too. I will be goofy and embarrass myself in the process of trying to make them laugh… even if it’s just for a second. I wish I could let them know how much I care. I wish I could let them know just how much I’m here.  It’s complex though isn’t it? Would they even recognize my sincerity?  Would they realize that I honestly and truly care? Would they know that it’s not pity but rather empathy. I don’t know. Hmmm… some days I really wish that I was a superhero.

 

The Leaves fell… the snow fell and now the flowers bloom

It’s been a strange journey into adulthood. Though many claim that you are not an actual adult until you find yourself in parenthood. It makes me wonder about those people who never have had children and I wonder if I will be one of them. And the people who say that you haven’t reached adulthood until you have had a child might have a point to an extent. 


However, here I am at this new point in my life. I am covered in responsibility and independence and what I would like to believe to be maturity… and I cannot say that I am a child any longer. 

I knew I had become an adult when bills began to pile on the counter and life wasn’t about the pleasure I would gain from the following day but rather making sure that I was doing what I could to simply enough get by without focusing solely on myself. 

I knew that I was adult the first time I didn’t have someone to call when I had a serious problem.. and had to learn how to  solve it myself. I knew that I had become an adult the day that I understood that my faith hadn’t arrived but that it itself was a long bold journey. 

I could see that I was an adult the day that I learned that right and wrong isn’t always a simple black and white matter. I learned that I was an adult the moment I realized that falling in love is hard but losing that love is a lot more difficult.  I realized I was an adult when I learned that my actions effect others actions.

 I became an adult when I knew that my needs had to be set aside to benefit others. I knew that I was an adult when I realized that sometimes I have to take care of myself before I can take care of others (kind of like when on an airplane and the masks fall… you put yours on first then assist others).  I realized I was an adult when I had to get past the hard stuff… the difficult stuff… the unsettling stuff because it’s part of life. It’s the way things have to be sometimes. 

I knew that I had become a woman the day that I actually understood that “PRIDE COMES BEFORE THE FALL.” That story is still hard to tell. I knew that I was a woman the day that I understood that “Less is More” and “Pleasure now results in Pain later.” and “Good things come to those who wait.” I didn’t understand these things as a child. One day life experience snuck in and BAM! My eyes were opened. I was forever changed. I find that adulthood is much like faith… and much like learning… YOU NEVER REACH YOUR PEAK. You continually grow into adulthood. You never just ARRIVE.  This is life. 

There are things that others have experienced that I haven’t yet, things that I may never experience. BUT I guarantee that there are things that I too have experienced that others have not and may never experiences. We are all equal in this journey of life. We will dive. We will sink. We will swim. We will float. We will tread. We will gasp. We will flail. We will choke. We will laugh. We will splash. We will…

The leaves fell when I was a child, when we were all children.  Everything was colorful and new. We would jump into a pile of leaves just to see them fly and we didn’t think about anything being hidden inside. It was exciting. Eyes wide open… floating into the unknown with absolutely no fear.

And then came the snow… white and pure until somebody came along and peed on it. Pre teen to high school was a blizzard. It was cold and slippery at times. Others it was fast and exciting. Sometimes we crashed. Sometimes we soared. Sometimes we made angels other times we made ugly snowmen. We were stuck between seasons. We would melt and then freeze when it came to love and relationships. It is here that we realize that we cannot always control when we fall but we begin to learn how to get back up. Our eyes were open but we proceeded with much more caution.

And now it’s spring and the flowers are blooming. It rains a lot but there is an equal amount of sunshine… more in some places. We experience thunder storms and lightning storms. Things flash before us… things we have experienced and things that we want to experience. We have hopes. We have dreams. We want to run wild but we understand what could be hiding behind beauty… and it stinks. If you get too close you will too. Yet we still take the risks because the beauty outweighs the consequences. We work hard to get by… and walk through the rain. Why do we walk through the rain? Because we know that there is a good chance that if we keeping going at some point we will run straight into sunshine. We glance up at sun rays and feel as though we can see straight up to heaven. We know that there is more to life than what we see right in front of us.  whether it is  morning fog… or a crazy RAIN STORM… or a pathless hike in the woods. It is here that we have learned that we cannot control all of the things that happen around us but we can choose how to react to them. Some pity themselves. Others… well…we begin to look at and appreciate smaller scaled things like hearing the rain on roof or listening to the birds sing.  We see that there are so many different colors and sensations because for once we are paying attention, for once we realize the importance and beauty. Even the smallest thing can give insight in the biggest way… so instead of trying to rush we find ways to prolong. We don’t desire to know the future because we realize that it is more important to live in the present. This is why we find ourselves picking flowers for loved ones (be it romantic or ailing or grieving or a random smile), finding small amounts of time to slow down  and hoping to catch a glimpse of sun rays and rainbows… even on the cloudiest days.