And teach myself to disregard
The Beauty of Progress and Disintergration
Today I realized that I don’t really think of him anymore.The pieces of memories of he and I have melted into the ground. It’s nice. Our anniversary would have been this month. Instead I will celebrate… I will celebrate the freedom from an almost made mistake. I could have stayed and missed out on all of this. I try to imagine how different life would have been if I had married him. I would be married right now. Cramped in a little apartment dealing with someone else’s infant that belonged to my husband. I know that it was not the life I would have dreamt up as a child.
While I was with him I thought I was in a fairytale. It was far from it. Six months ago every time we talked he made me feel like I was nothing. He continuously told me how “F”ed up I was. And I believed every word he said. He manipulated me. He berated me. I loved him so I trusted his judgment. He convinced me how worthless I was. I look back and I see how crazy I was. I pretended to be so happy because I wanted him so badly. I believed that it was a lesson in humility. I thought maybe I wasn’t humble enough. Love does crazy things to people. But that love disintegrated. It is beautiful progress. I cannot express how happy I am with how things have changed. You see… I’m beginning to recognize that I am a little more than nothing. I have so many people who love me. I have a sport that I adore despite the fact I am terrible at it. I found an adopted family that means so much to me. AND I have my biological family who despite their craziness I adore with my whole heart. If I had stayed with him… I wouldn’t have experienced the value of my simple but wonderful life. I rejoice. I burn the last photograph and smile as the ash blends into the asphalt. I can laugh again… real laughter. I don’t miss him anymore. It wasn’t rebounds or money or his hateful attitude that cured me… it was time. Time alone has begun to heal what he broke.
Is my life everything that I expected? Everything that I wanted? Of course not. I find that there is always room for improvement. I still have a lot of growing to do. I learn daily. I even learned from being with him. I learned to choose carefully who to grow close to. I learned exactly what I do not want in a man… and what I do. I learned that anyone who manipulates me and berates me enough to feel so little isn’t worth my time. I learned that my biggest weakness is how much I love people… and how badly I want to believe they are all good. I know that they aren’t. Actions speak louder than words. I wish that I could say that all my lessons were learned the easy way but they were not. I’m okay with that. It’s really made me who I am. It gives me reason to treat others with respect and dignity and want or expect nothing in return. I will love despite my faults… and despite theirs. And if I ever fall in love again… I will make sure that I don’t ever treat him like the last treated me. I wont let him drive my confidence into the ground. I will stand up and walk away before the storm gets worse. Does that mean I will throw in the towel when things get bad? No. I will stand in the rain if it’s for the right person. I will be loyal until my last breath. But I wont let him walk all over me… making me believe i am worthless. I will simply enough be me. I wont let him change me unless it’s for the better. Many lessons were learned and though I wish they didn’t have to be learned in the manner that they were… they were necessary in order for me to become the woman that I have. It wasn’t easy but it wasn’t a mistake. I no longer find myself slouching into the seat and feeling bitter every time he passes me in traffic. Occasionally I wonder. But I laugh… because I know better.
My life is good. I can do better or I’ll do without. I’m happy with that. It’s funny how life works out isn’t it? Certainly not what I expected. It’s SO much better………………..
*Soberly Somber*
I have lost more than my share of loved ones, friends, mentors and acquaintances to know that words cannot cure these kinds of wounds. A silent hug would have been suffice. A hand holding mine would have been more than enough. I know words create more harm than help in times like these. And yet I still say stupid things like “how are you holding up?” UGH. I frustrate myself when I say stupid things like that. I wish I could smack myself up the head.
My goal is to either be a silent rock or someone who makes others laugh and forget for twenty seconds that they are hurting. Sometimes I’m neither but I’d sure like to be both. I’ve got my work cut out for me. But I digress…
I sat there understanding just how precious and delicate life is. All of us will be there someday. And it is here at times like these that I have to hope for heaven. Too many loved ones hurt much too badly to be separated for eternity. I believe in a God who places love above all else. I believe in a God who is compassionate enough to reunite his children after a long journey, half of which seems to be uphill. And it reminds me of who I want to be…A great difference maker behind the scenes. I do not need a spotlight to tell me when I should be making a difference. Every moment of every day I should be trying. Behind the scenes. Behind closed doors. In the lives of those whom I come in contact with each day… no matter who they are.
So I sat there in that pew thinking of my loved ones…and my definition of a loved one might differ from yours so let me help you understand:
MY LOVED ONES are THE PEOPLE WHO TOUCH MY LIFE EACH DAY… in BIG ways and in SMALL ways. They all contribute to who I am… whether I can wear my heart on my sleeve around them or whether they challenge me in various ways. I love them. In different contexts of course but I do love them.
And I sat there watching them try to sit still and try to control their emotions… and I saw them in pain. Like pins and needles in my heart it ached. I so badly wanted to be there for them. Despite my grief, I knew theirs was worse. It broke my heart to know that they were hurting… and empathy convinced my heart that it wanted to jump into my stomach. Logic and love for them told me to hold it together, to be their rock, even if they didn’t see it. This was my small contribution, a hope that I too would become a difference maker in their lives. For them I would do just about everything… though I knew that there was nothing that I could do for them. So I just loved them.
I sat there awakened by the situation. I knew that this was part of life. I have seen so many people pass on and I realized something… you never get used to this kind of thing. People try to tell you that each time it will get easier but I’m beginning to think that with age and understanding it really does get more difficult. I prayed that they would find peace that passed all understanding. Little comfort was gained. I just held their hands and caught their tears upon my shoulder… I remained there… surrounded by my loved ones… Soberly Somber.