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Random Thoughts About Life on This Planet

April 22, 2009

♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦ Fear. Thoughts. Excitement. Adventure. Today. Yesterday. Tomorrow.Sight. Touch. Smell.Joy. Sorrow. happiness. ♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦ My dreams were big or so I thought. I held them tight until I forgot. The dreams I dreamt for myself were hardly grand. The dreams I dreamt for myself I wanted to demand. But they were small and small indeed. They were small and nothing that I would need. Want had filled my greedy soul. Vanity began to make me my own fool. Big dreams and big university and big debt was placed upon my plate. I thought it was what I wanted. But it wasn’t. I thought that because of my brain I was supposed to learn and learn and learn… and I thought because I was given a mind like this that that’s what I was supposed to do with my life. Now I’m not so sure. I don’t know if I ever will go to graduate school or go into research or publish a book or find a cure for some random disease. I HAVE NO IDEA. So today I re-evaluated my vision for my life and decieded to do what I always have known is the right thing to do… give it to God.I placed my vision of tomorrow in the palm of my hand. It’s texture was smooth and its shape round, or so I thought. It made its way into my fingertips as if it were a skipping stone. I raised my hand and twisted it… letting it go into the lake, the lake of the unknown. The universe spun it around and around skipping each dream across the stars. I let my vision go. I let it skip and jump and spin into something that I could never see with my own eyes. My dreams were so small in comparison to those that the Creator had for me… has for me. My imagination still cannot comprehend the good He has in store for me. So I wait… I wait on His vision for me. And whatever it is… I give it to Him.

A New Camera Lens…

April 21, 2009

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
So there is this new perspective that I have on things.
It’s beautiful.
I sparred at Tournament this last Saturday.
At first I felt like I had failed because I had to quit early.
But the truth is that I didn’t quit at all.

I embraced my body’s capabilities.

I streched myself in every way possible.

I keep focusing on the good that I did do…
the challenge and the excitement and the competition and the victory.
The victory of pushing myself to my upmost limits.
The victory of KNOWING that size really doesn’t matter.
The victory of a decent adreneline rush.
The victory of knowing that this is really how I fight.
The victory of knowing that no one went easy onMe.
The victory of winning in your heart.
What a beautiful journey.
What a beautiful gain.
Knowledge that cannot be learned elsewhere.
Knowledge that is invaluable.
Knowledge that provides growth.
Ah… what an experience.
I can’t wait to do it again.
Soon!

Evaluating Life From Death

March 30, 2009

is funny don’t you think.

The journey is long but worth it. The journey is not my own. I am a Christian. It continues to make me into the person that I want to be. Take all of my good, everything that makes me grow in a good way and attribute it to faith. Now I don’t claim to be the best Christian in the world, I still have such a long way to go. I have more than enough lessons that remain unlearned. But I love Jesus. I know you might think it sounds silly or crazy or whatever else you want to add. You may not even like my faith and that’s okay. I don’t do it for you. I don’t even really do it for me. It’s who I am.

I’m beginning to see the woman that I am growing into. It’s a woman that I couldn’t see while I was in college. It’s a woman that I didn’t expect to see every morning when I looked in the mirror. Nevertheless the woman is me…
She feels weak many times but grows stronger daily.
She learns with every trial that humility is indeed a blessing in disguise. She knows that smiles are never wasted. She does her best each day to love without expecting it back. And she is a little disappointed when she fails at it. She goes through great measures to make the lives of those around her easier. And she struggles daily, maybe even hourly with random off the wall things that come out of nowhere… she is perfectly imperfect. She doesn’t care for money though she wouldn’t mind being secure. Not being secure only makes her rely on her faith more. She’s had her fair share of tragedy throughout her life. And she refused to let it get her down. She considers her life more like a tragic comedy. If you can laugh at something then it really isn’t that bad after all.

To be completely honest I have no idea what the intention of this blog is. I suppose that there really isn’t one at all. Well not to this first half anyway. They are just random thoughts pieced together… thoughts of a scattered mind after a very long day. Sorry about that.

To evaluate the last month of my life would be a task greater than I can accomplish at this time. There is simply enough no quiet time. No time to think. Occasionally I find myself sneaking out to the Dojang for an hour or two to work on forms because it really is the only time in my life where I can clear my head. For 60 minutes I can breathe in my own air and think my own thoughts and do poomse to break a sweat. I haven’t written notes for my book in a little while. Actually aside from my trip to California at the beginning of Feburary I haven’t really had a chance to work on it at all. I need the freedom to think, the freedom to create. I need peace and I need silence. Silence is such a beautiful sound.

I’ve experianced two deaths this month. One was much closer to me than the other. I didn’t take either of them as hard as most people would have… I’m just abnormal like that. I focus on other things, things that give me a reason to keep going. But death does have a funny way of making me evaluate my life and who I want to be and how I’ll get to be that person.
I find myself challenged daily. There are moments that frustration fills my cup… I take a drink and it’s all I can spit out. So I swallow it down. I smile. And I teach myself to hold it down until it’s gone. I want to be better than only myself. If I can attain this goal then I will make great accomplishments throughout my life. I will become the best that I can… because I will constantly be striving to be better than myself. Sometimes it’s difficult not to compare my life to others… sometimes it’s hard not to compare me with others. It’s like trying to count the stars… impossible.

Impossible in the sense that you wont be satisfied with the amount of time that you’ve wasted. Anyway loss of others always makes me evaluate everything in my life… what I want what I need what I want to be. And this time it was simple…
I just want to be me.
A Better Me.

I want to continue to grow. I want to continue to love. I want to continue until I cannot continue anymore. Someday I will get tired. Someday I will die. I may be ready. I may not. And the worst part will be leaving loved ones behind. I’d hate to hurt them like that. It will be one time when I will not be able to be there for them, to be strong for them. It makes me sad when I lose someone that I know, someone that I love… but there isn’t ever anything that I can do or say to get them back. So I continue to live. I mourn. But I live. The most painful piece is seeing those I love in pain. I want to scoope them up and make them all better. Empathy may just be one of my biggest weaknesses. I never know what to do. I just want to hug them. I’m not even really a touchy person. That says something. Well I am babling again and again because I am falling asleep at the computer. AH what a month… I wish that there was silence… I wish I could compose all of my thoughts at this time… but I just can’t. Hmmm… maybe I’ll try again tomorrow. Sorry for the lame randomness.