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Not So Beautiful Days

June 26, 2009

Yesterday was really quite challenging for me. I find that my S.A. (social anxiety) is progressively getting worse these days. I felt physically ill before yesterdays test and had to use way too much energy and concentration to get myself to quit shaking and calm down. I felt like such a loser, I can honestly say that I’ve never felt that small. I had gotten better over the years being in front of people, but the anxiety for tests has continued getting much much worse.I remember being in college when the teacher assigned a pop quiz and I froze. I started getting so upset just looking at it that I froze… sweaty hands and almost in tears (which is a pretty big deal to me because I don’t cry). So I concentrated on my breathing and told myself simply to not do the quiz. As each student walked out of class I waited there until the room was empty. My professor, who had now known me for almost four years was shocked. He had always seen me as calm and collected and confident and always getting A’s. This time I was pretty calm but not very collected and much to my surprise he was very concerned. I’m not sure how I looked that day but it must have been pretty worn and torn because he excused me from the quiz. I felt so much shame.For a little while it seemed to get better in some ways. My hands would be clammy and my heart would speed up a little or I might not even remember taking the exam but the shaking and racing mind and almost tears was rare. Last night it swung at me full force. I felt like someone had filled my insides with needles and every time I moved I got stabbed. I don’t know exactly what triggered this but I don’t like it. It could have been a number of things combined. But the worst part last night was not knowing how to shut it off… not beating it. Shame. I felt a lot of shame. I thought it was just embarrassment but no… it was shame. I had failed myself and those who had taught me. Shame. A lot of shame. I knew that they were all disappointed in me and a lot of faith in me was lost.I wanted to hide. And I wish that I could but that my friends is not who I am. That I can tell you. If there is one thing I can tell you about myself… it is that I never give up even when I should, even when others try to force me to. That’s not how I work. So last night I was upset that I had failed…. at so many things.C.S. Lewis once said that “Failures are lampposts on the road to achievement.” So now the important thing is to figure out how to use this as a learning experience, as a way to grow instead of way to berate myself. Each failure is just another obstacle to overcome and then we grow. So no matter what I think at this exact moment I know that I will grow or change because of this experience. It’s just part of the journey and I have to accept that sometimes I will fail… at remembering something I’ve practiced a million times… at being able to control my anxiety, at random little things that the universe throws my way. And I have to accept that that is okay.Thomas Edison once said “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work”. Therefore I can feel disappointed in myself and I can feel a little down and others can be disappointed in me too. That’s okay. But when if I give up… if I remain stagnant and quit trying that is when I have truly failed. Does that mean that I am confident at this moment? No. Does that mean that I feel any bigger than a small ant? No. I felt completely humiliated. Will I get over it? Yes. Will I let my humility get me down? I will work through it. I will go to class even if they don’t believe in me. I will continue to grow daily.

Enchanting Simplicity

June 22, 2009

Can I be honest with you? Can I tell you the truth about my life right now? As I sit here and listen to one of my favorite bands (Mono) I feel completely at ease. I’m not usually much of a feeling person but there is something about this group that strikes a chord deep within my soul… it’s so calming. I find that no matter what is going on in my life I can turn it on and crawl into my secret hiding place, a place where I can escape from all of the sickness and despair in the world and simply breathe. It is here that I can focus on the here and now and not worry about everything that might effect me later. It is here that I can focus on this moment at this moment. Just listen to the rhythm… the melody… the harmony. It’s so simple but so enchanting. It captivates my heart at the climax and releases it only when the echo of it’s tone has dissipated from my senses. I am breath taken. I am in awe. I am alive.

A few days ago I found out that my grandfather is beyond sick. Brain Tumors and an Enlarged heart plagued my mind. I sat and read books for hours… hours of distraction but the distraction hardly held on long. I turned on the music and got lost in the lure of its creative magic hoping it would carry my thoughts into a far away land. For a while it worked. I thought of all of the good times… of all of the good memories. But when the music ended so did the magic. Reality soon set in. It sure sucks when that happens doesn’t it.

Because no matter how long I try to stay in my secret hiding place... I also know that the world doesn’t quit turning. I know that life doesn’t stop while I am attempting to hide. Everything is still there. Is it going to hurt me to escape for a few moments? I think not. I think we all need breaks at times. I like to call them mental health moments. I’m too much of a realist to stay in my hiding place for longer than the music lasts. I know that the world holds cancer and brain tumors and enlarged hearts… but I also know that there is a crescendo of random acts of kindness, everyday miracles and beautiful people.

That my friend is what makes life worth living. I know that even with the bad… there is also the beautiful. I think that this music that takes me to my secret hiding place reminds me of that more than anything. It’s not so much me hiding from reality like I would like to believe… but rather an eye opening experience that if we look at life… no matter what the circumstance that we can truly find enchanting beauty in the simplest places.

I will continue to look for the beauty no matter where I am… in the world or in my life.

One Dos Set Quatre

June 5, 2009

One Two Three
One Two Three Four
One Two Three Four Five
Uno Dos Tres
Uno Dos Tres Cuatro
Uno Dos Tres Cuatro Cinco
Hana Dool Set
Hana Dool Set Net
Hana Dool Set Net Tasot
Un deux trois
Un deux trois quatre
Un deux trois quatre cinq

When my mind starts working too fast and I want to write 10 books and conduct a dozen studies on human interaction or cerebral anatomy or it just flows with thoughts of possibilities I take the time to slow down and count to 5 in as many languages as I can remember. It doesn’t matter if it’s one language or four languages. If I focus on only the words and the numbers it calms my mind. But I have to focus.

One Two Three
One Two Three Four
One Two Three Four Five

Once I can focus on the numbers then I can bring my mind to ease. Sometimes I count when I am frustrated and need something else to focus on.

Uno Dos Tres
Uno Dos Tres Cuatro
Uno Dos Tres Cuatro Cinco

Sometimes I count because I am completely overwhelmed and just need to relax, create space and then breathe.

Hana Dool Set
Hana Dool Set Net
Hana Dool Set Net Tasot

Sometimes I count when I am working out and need something to distract me from whatever I am feeling… or when I need to remember to just breathe.

Un Deux Trios
Un Deux Trios Quarte
Un Deux Trios Quarte Cinq

Right now I count to clear my head, to make sure that I do not get frustrated about the small things. Right now I count to calm my spirit… always too much to do. Never enough time to do it in. I need focus. I need space. I need time. I need rhythm… because when time skips a beat it makes my addictive personality go a little crazy (well crazy-er). Ha! So I count… but I don’t only count these numbers I also count my blessings. I make a list of things that I don’t need to survive but that I have anyway. I think of Grace and how there is So much of it in my life despite the fact that I am not a graceful person. And I count everything that I love and wonder what I would do without it…

and then I am calm.
and then I am at peace.
and then I am alive.