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Getting my toes wet

July 17, 2009

First off I would like to state that I grew up as a country girl, therefore many of you whom were reared in the city may not understand many of the following occurrences. For example swimming in a dirty river instead of a chemically altered pool, etc. 🙂 {to be honest I swim in both now}

If we were counting adventures we were millionaires. And we had one another so it never really seemed like we were “less fortunate” as they say now. I hardly felt “less fortunate” on most days even though we all clearly were. We still had vacations… well sort of anyway. All of us children loved them.

Each summer my very large family would go camping at my uncles wooded acres lined by the sparkling river. It was the one time that we could all spend together ignoring everything what we didn’t have. These were the times that we were in our zone exploring the outdoors. Blond pigtails swinging back and fourth, baby blue eyes and my mickey mouse swim suit would excitedly skip to the riverbank on warm summer days. It was here where the lessons of moderation would begin to unwind.I went through a stage when I was about 4 where I would dip my toe in the water to see if it was too cold or not. Shortly after I learned that no matter how many times I dipped my toes in the water it was always cold. And the slower that I was to introduce the cold to my four year old body the slower that my body was to adapt. For a while I just didn’t go in. I sat on the bank and laughed at everyone else as they experienced the chills down their backs. As I got older I began to notice something miraculous about that water… that my siblings continued jumping in despite how cold it was. I watched intently only to learn another lesson… the chills are only temporary. It was here that I learned that I must be missing out on something good. My siblings were having much too much fun out there… so I was either missing out or my siblings were utterly insane. Perhaps I even believed it to be a combination of the two.When I was about nine I took a new approach to the water. I would walk out on a log that crossed the river and jump into one of the deeper spots. As I fell beneath the waters surface and the cold crept onto my little body and I adapted much quicker. The initial shock was somewhat surprising at first and I didn’t necessarily like it. I distracted myself by swimming around for a short while. Once my body had adapted you had to pull me out of the water. Despite that I wasn’t a very good swimmer (I am still not to this day) I loved the water. I loved everything about it… floating, touching the sand below and the imagination that came with it. My parents or older siblings would have to quite literally come in and carry me out of the river in the summer. We would stand by the fire pit and attempt to warm up… turning from side to side as the heat began to warm at an uncomfortable rate.When I was nine and a half or ten (we always counted halves back then) I began noticing something new about the water… if you stay in too long, get too comfortable and don’t move around it becomes cold again… and not only does one become cold when they are in the water too long they also become wrinkled. This was something that I found quite distasteful. But I was having fun so I ignored it. I remained in the water for as long as I could take it. With my siblings or by myself. Rain or shine if we were camping I was in the water. Really… I’m not kidding. I was crazy enough to jump in as the Oregon rain trickled into the iceberg like river. I thought it was exhilarating.At about the time I was 13 my brain must have begun working again. It was here that I learned about timing and moderation. I continued to enjoy the water but I spent much less time in it. Some days I would sit on the shore just watching it wave over the rapids. My brain must have made the connection from each experience. At four I had learned that the water was always cold. So I avoided it. This was one extreme. At nine I had realized that there were benefits to the water so I just jumped in and stayed in. The other extreme. Later I learned that neither were proper or wise choices. So at thirteen I began planning what times I would go in the water. Around this time it was the warmest peak but it began getting cold around this time. And so my friends I learned planning and moderation. Occasionally I would still indulge in the pleasures of the ice cold water but I would no longer obsess over it. No one had to pull me out or force me to go in. I was now old enough to do this myself.The summer that I was 13 I had learned when to go in the water and what to bring with me. I had also learned to dry off quickly and how to keep warm by the fire pit without getting too warm. At 13 we should all already know about these things. And I find that even now at 23 (where I’d much rather take off halves than add them) that I am continuing to learn the same lesson: Balance. Moderation. Timing.I’ve been looking into graduate school for some time now. And in January I had just about signed up and started my new program. I wanted to just jump in but finances worried me so I changed my mind. I took too much time jumping in. I dipped my toe in the water and waded to my ankles and then ran back out of the water only to sit on the bank for a little while while all of my friends jumped off the log into law school or medical school or missions in Haiti. I remained on the shore.Today I woke up early, did a few push ups and was so motivated that I automatically wanted to jump in, apply for graduate school and start tomorrow. This my friend is unrealistic. So I began planning. I decided on a program, contacted my admissions counselor and am waiting for a reply. For the rest of the day I will be on the phone with my current loan companies trying to straighten my current mess out. Once these are straitened, which will hopefully be by the end of the day I plan on submitting my application and starting to work on my Masters. These are crazy times my friend. And I find myself a tad embarrassed that I am still learning the lesson that started almost 20 years ago. Yet, I’m adult enough to recognize it and admit to it and hopefully do something about it.I have chosen an online program, seeing that a campus program would not be best for me at this time. The program that I have chosen is fully accredited and well recognized. This is a researched decision. If finances pan out then so does school. And I do want to begin working on my degree as soon as possible. My brain craves knowledge. So here I stand at this fork in the road, with many many options and I’m about to take a step. Balance. This is one step to gain balance in my life.It’s not about making money (though that would be nice) and it’s not about becoming something great (there is too much responsibility in that). It’s about maintaining balance and order and preventing stagnation. This my friend is a good choice. Though I’m not sure if I’m trying to convince you or myself at this point. These things are about to happen. How exiting. School, Work, Moving, Taekwondo, Tutoring, Native Flutes… I will just have to make time. There is always time for the important thingsOver and Out Friend, Me

Shades of the sky and strength of the oceans

July 15, 2009

RANDOM THOUGHTS… With no order!

My mother contacted me. My little brother is doing okay. He moved to Colorado a few weeks ago (actually the day of my high blue test) to take care of her. She recently moved to Alamosa to be closer to her Doctors. He followed so she would have a caretaker. She also informed me that my grandfather was sent home from the cardiologist. His heart rate continues to remain much too high and the brain tumors cannot be removed. She said “they sent him home so he wouldn’t have to die in the hospital.” I guess I write about it because it is much easy than talking about it. E-mail and blogs and myspace are somewhat beautiful things. A tad impersonal but sometimes they make life much more simple. I’m not sure if that is a good thing or not. Sometimes the difficult things in life (like death,etc.) are the things that make us realize how delicate and mortal life is. Sometimes they are the things that test our character and our strength the most. So I haven’t decided if blogging or emailing is a positive or negative thing. I love to write so I blog pretty consistently but I also try to make sure that I am interacting with people on a regular basis. I am a firm believer that communication between actual humans is still an important thing. Nonverbal communication is extremely important anyway. So solely communicating through an electronic device cannot be entirely healthy. And I have issues with showing weakness so it’s probably a good thing that I teach myself to get over it… even if it is primarily a cultural thing.

I can’t believe that it is already mid July. Like I’ve said many times … life is flying by. It’s been interesting cutting back some of my hours in TaeKwonDo. I can’t say that I really like it to be honest. I wish that my legs would just heal and get over what ever is wrong with them! I am tired of the way they feel all of the time. I just want to jump back in and start training hard. I hate having to take it easy. Let’s just say that I am using a lot of self control. I begun trying to fill my time with things to distract me.
I’ve been applying for jobs… some that I know I will strongly dislike. And I’ve been considering going back to school. But I hated college. I hated never ever sleeping and working three jobs and completely wearing myself out. So I’m not sure how I feel about that either. I think a happy medium would be doing an online Masters program. Something general until I could work on my PHD. With a PHD I can do research and write books and that my friend sounds divine. I would love to do a few of my own studies on cross cultural behaviors and social interactions.

As you can tell I plan on never being wealthy. I mean I would take it if someone gave it to me… but I never plan on doing anything for the purpose of making myself wealthy. Sometimes I like to think about what I would do with that kind of cash if I had it. I wouldn’t buy a gigantic house or fast Ferrari. This is the part where I get on my soapbox and talk about the Orphanages in Bulgaria, Water Crisis in Ethiopia, Human Trafficking in Eastern Europe, Aids Crisis, Poverty, Starvation, Underprivileged Children, Natural Disasters… the list goes on and on. If I could save the world with money then I would… but I can’t. I’m not even sure that I would be responsible enough if I had the money. Or maybe I would be too responsible… researching and doing background exams on each organization just trying to make sure they weren’t a scam. Luckily I don’t have that kind of money… ha any money, so I don’t have to worry about how I would react to large quantities of it!
I’ve been “not-so-well-off” my entire life. Some have had it better and some have had it worse. Some people look at my life and see an uphill battle, a challenge… all I see is a life, my life. It is my job to live it to the best of my ability. Sometimes it’s hard and sometimes it’s a breeze. Either way it is so beautiful. No matter what a person has been through they get to decide what they want to do with it. I really don’t know what the point of me writing today is… like I said it’s just a bunch of random thoughts that are flowing through my cerebral atmosphere.
It’s mornings like these that I should be practicing my flute. I’m currently working on this new song and every time I play it I have to pick up a different flute because it’s just not quite what I’m looking for. I have this thought in my head of what it should sound like… and it craves a deeper tone. I don’t want to reveal too much about this new song that I am writing but it is inspired by a cause that has really caught my attention in recent times (thanks Jessi… I can’t wait to play it for you upon its completion). When I complete the song I will make sure to share all of the details with you.

Not too much else is going on. My student loans were officially deferred today. My job search isn’t going quite as well as planned and the graduate school search is at a stand still for at least a couple more days. I also need to update my resume. Previously I had been doing a lot of freelance stuff but that seems to have come to a sudden stop. I’m grateful that my only debt is student loans but I’m going to be honest with you… it’s scary not having a steady income. I’m so used to being independent and self sufficient. Getting a job at Taco Bell sounds wonderful. Just about anything sounds good right now. The strange thing is it’s not even really the money (lack there of) that bothers me… it’s the not being able to control my surroundings. I like having order. I like consistency. And I know that I am learning a great many lessons from all of this. Knowledge and Wisdom in my book are priceless… even if the road to them sometimes seems a little rocky. I’ll take it over falling into stagnation. I crave a mind that is continually growing and seeking. When I fall into stagnation I begin to become restless… I can’t sleep… all I do is think or read or study or do something productive.

I’m not exactly a workaholic anymore… I’ve been there. And let me tell you I’ve never been so tired. I loved it at the time and I thrived in that atmosphere. I worked and worked and worked and never took breaks. And I loved it. However, one day I realized that I was missing out on something more. I had been working so hard that I had forgotten how to live. From 17 to 21 I was climbing the corporate latter and completely failing at just being 21. If I would have continued on that path I have no doubt that I would have been successful. But I would have missed out on people. I wouldn’t have relationships or random road trips or vacations that didn’t involve work. I wouldn’t have gone sailing or traveled to places just to see them. I would have forgotten my culture and my friends and passion. So at 22 I quit that life. And I started a new one. So I do odd jobs while I look for a new job and Now I have new friends and TaeKwonDo and Native flute gatherings and trips to the zoo or the beach or California or wherever else I desire and for the most part life is good. Ideally a job and a place of my own would be nice. Overall though… life is good.

Sleeping Under the Stars

July 15, 2009

I am in awe of the universe! No matter how bad things get I seem to always find comfort in the stars. I’m not sure what it is… but when I look up at those stars I always feel as if everything is going to be okay. Perhaps it is because as I gaze at the universe I see just how small I am in the scheme of things. My lack of importance relieves my unsteady heart. I can just be. Without worry… I can just be.

Today was somewhat trying for me. I’m not sure why… there wasn’t much different about today than there was yesterday… and yet I felt a strange stress inside. I felt strangely homesick, missing my loved ones. As I arrived at the Dojang I felt strangely at home. I have moved around so much in the last year and a half that home seems more like a metaphor than a place. I find that home is more about the people and things that you love than the place that you lay your head every night. And though I can appreciate this concept I would like to someday have a somewhat steady home with a man who loves me as much as I love him. I suppose that for a moment you can glance at the tiny piece of romantic inside me. Rarely is it visible to the watching eye… unless I consciously let others see it. But I’m not here to discuss that tonight. I will save that for another time. And I digress.

So tonight I walked into the Dojang and saw the people that I look forward to seeing each night. I can’t help but smile when I see them. They push me to be a better person. They push me to be a better martial artist. They are family in a sense. When I am there I know that I am growing. It cured my sense of homesickness. That my friend was a beautiful thing. I am not a great martial artist but I wont get any better if I give up. So I keep going.

I arrived home to my current residence after class. I worked on some of my work and then I ate dinner. After dinner I went outside and I gave toward the sky. I couldn’t help but smile as I gazed at all of the tiny sparkles. The sky looked so clear and so close despite how gigantic I know they really are. I stood there with my eyes towards the heavens and gasped… feeling so small, so insignificant. Each star weaved with the next creating a blanket wrapping me with comfort and security. I wanted to drop to my knees and stare for hours. And then I smiled… is that such a bad idea? How long has it been since I have slept under the stars? Spent a night admiring the vast beauty that the Creator crafted with his own hands? It’s been a while. I think it’s been too long. So perhaps I will spend the night beneath the stars.

So between tonight and tomorrow I will be in awe… seeing two of my very favorite things. How blessed I must be! I wonder how on earth this karma came to me? I feel so undeserving. I guess I will just pass it on and send it back out into the universe to the best of my ability. The good things in my life make me want to share it with others… I am so grateful. I wish I could make everyone feel as blessed as I do 🙂 And maybe someday I will.