What an interesting week it has been. My first grad school class is almost over. I’m pretty sure that I am getting a “B” in my first class due to a group project and find myself a little bummed. But that is not what is mostly on my mind.

Dragonfly is.

Dragonfly is a term that some cultures use to describe impermanence. Dragonflies live such short but beautiful lives… teaching us that what we do with our time is indeed important.

I love my family and find it very hard to believe that someday, some of them will close their eyes before me. With both of my parents being ill I know that the chances of them leaving this world sooner rather than later is a possibility. It hurts my heart to think of life without them. And some days I want to say “Please don’t take the ones I love.” but it is part of life’s cycles so I brace myself for the blow instead. I know that no matter what anyone says I cannot prepare myself for such loss. I will live through it and I will probably appear to be so strong but I will still be sad.

This saturday I was able to go and see my family. My dad looked so tired, so worn. My heart tried not to worry. I cleared my mind and focused on the moment… living in the hear and now. I  told   my heart that I couldn’t worry about the future. It would only waste the present.

I know all about impermanance. I have moved more than the average joe. I have lost people who I adore to cancer, organ failure and accedents. I have watched best friends move out of state, across the country or traveling around with the peace corp. I know that nothing is permanant. I am mostly at peace with that.

Amy and I met in junior high. We served on various committees  together and went on many crazy spontaneous adventures. When we were in high school we went to Mexico and did some medical humanitarian work in highly populated areas filled with poverty. When we were 16 we decided to go to Canada by greyhound with absolutely no plans. We had no idea what we would eat or where we would sleep. Amy and I lived only in the moment… even if it was stupid. A few years ago she moved to South Carolina to work at a year round camp for at risk girls. We talk a few times a year over the phone and laugh about how stupid we  were.

Theresa and I met in Mexico on the same trip where Amy and I traveled to work with people. We soon became good friends. We watched old musicals and drank coffee predicting our futures foolishly. Four years later she moved to Mexico and became a full time missionary. I talk to her probably about once a year.

I met Amber in college. We ended up living together for almost three years. We were in all of the same clubs, all of the same classes and I enjoyed our late night brilliant conversations about everything under the sun. Her family was like my family for a while. I absolutely adore every one of them! I went to San Francisco with them for the first time the summer of my Junior year. Somedays I miss them like crazy. This year Amber got accepted into Law School at Peperdine University in Malibu, CA. I miss our conversations like crazy but I am so proud of her.

I met Maggie and Steve when I was three. They took me in as if I was there own daughter. I lived with them for about a year  until Maggie was diagnosed with cancer. After treatment and a long battle (that she won) she ended up moving to Virginia to be closer to her family. I rarely talk to them a couple times a year and continue to adore them.

My mother gave birth to me almost 24 years ago. After much consideration and much debate she decided to move to michigan, then montana and then colorado to be closer to her siblings while her body withered away inside of her. Today she continues to fight for her health. I talk to her all of the time but haven’t seen her in almost 14 years.

I met Ileen when I was 8 years old. She was  always so encouraging and so loving. She was kind of the mother that I needed when mine wasn’t there. I adored her and she adored me. She gave me advice and showed me how to be a good woman with ambition and integrity. A couple of years ago her kidneys quit working. No replacement was in sight and dialasis quit working. I was on a camping trip in Eastern Washington when I got the call that she was no longer with us. It broke my heart.

I met Charlene when I was 14. She got me involved with the church choir where I sang for a short while. She had to quit directing a year and a half later when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. I quit when she did. Once in remission she thought about starting it back up but we spent more time hanging out instead. She made me laugh like crazy and I adored her as one of my female rolemodels. When I reached 17 she was diagnossed with bone cancer. The same week that I was camping and heard that Ileen passed I got news that she did too. I was one of the last people that she asked for and I don’t think that I will ever forget that.

Each time that I lost someone whom I loved I never asked why or please don’t take them away. I knew that it was the process of life. Well each time except this last Saturday when I saw my dad. I couldn’t see the cancer but I knew that it was slowly taking him over. I looked up at the sky and thought “please don’t take him.” I went back to camp and decided to go for a run. I ran and ran and ran until I had no more energy left in me. And it felt absoultly amazing. As I stopped by the river to take a quick break a small insect flew by me… dragonfly. I smirked and laughed under my breath. I then proceeded to continue my run until I reached the head of the trail that led back to camp.  The run cleared my mind and the small insect reminded me of impermanance.  Live here. Live now. The future will work out itself. I found myself at peace.

I am able to dance and sing and love living at this very moment. I feel so blessed to have known and loved so many people. I am indeed one lucky individual who is inspired by the lives of others whom I have met and by the lives of others who I will meet. What a wonderful adventure this life is.

   Last night I was up until almost 7:30am finishing my first Grad School, 5th ed APA, formatted paper. I then woke up at 10:30. I’m not sure how I did it but I don’t feel an ounce of tired in my body. Earlier today I can honestly say that was not the case. I had a hard day getting started. Since then I have picked up my guitar, made a very strong batch of Chai (possibly explaining the lack of sleepiness) and finished all of my homework that is due tomorrow. Everything is a day ahead schedule. It’s beautiful because that means besides teaching I get ALL of tomorrow off! 

I am so excited! Going to school 7 days a week is challenging even if it does mean that I will Graduate with a Masters Degree in February of 2011, so a day off is like heaven on earth!

Today As I sit here with my cup of Chai and think about everything under the sun I like to view my life as one of those choose your own adventure books, you know the ones that most of us used to read as kids. I have viewed the last five years as a complete adventure! There are some chapters that I wish that I could have avoided but avoiding them would have brought me to a new place and I am pretty excited to be on the path that I am on right now. 

Last year was a really big deal for me. As I look back I see that I was at a crossroads… WOW. I see the path that I could have taken I know where it would have led me and I am amazed by how my life has turned out because I did not take it.  

Saying goodbye is never easy but in this case it was so necessary. I cannot believe that it was over a year and a half (give or take) since My engagement failed. It’s strange to think that someone proposed to me it’s even stranger to think about how I had the courage to break it off. It is difficult when you know that someone is bound to get hurt. I don’t think I had ever cried so much in my entire life.

I was such an ignorant child. I wore my heart on my sleeve. I was much too forgiving and much too understanding.  I wanted so badly to make someone happy who could have cared less about my happiness. He made me feel like I was such a little person.

When we broke up things got rather nasty. He convinced me that I made him an alcoholic, that I made him depressed because I didn’t want to be with him and sadly part of me believed it. I found myself thinking that I was a horrible person, destroying someone that I loved because of selfish reasons. 

Well my “selfish reasons” were not wanting to rush into marriage and not wanting to “constantly feel talked down to or degraded” My “selfish reasons” were not being sure that I wanted to be with someone who was going to be the father of someone else’s baby.  My “selfish reasons” were not wanting to sleep with someone whom I wasn’t “in-love” with.

I now can see that selfish was not the correct word…logical was. The logical individual inside me wouldn’t let emotion win over reason. Where would I be right now? I would be married to some man who made me feel like nothing… possibly birthing his children. That would be my life because I dislike divorce so much. That would be my life… that’s it. All I can see is a very unhappy Sky.

Not long after we broke up the writing of my book flowed onto paper. I was inspired as a felt a strange sense of freedom, even through my sadness.  I moved to a new section of town and began making new friends. I also began taking on activities that would help me create the main character in my book. One of those activities was Martial Arts. I didn’t expect to last a month.

For my first two weeks of Martial Arts it was my little secret. I felt like the main character in my book as I snuck out three times a week to go training. My roommates had no idea where I was going, my friends were quite unsuspecting and I felt like I was living a double life. It was liberating to walk out of my apartment and sneak off to a place that NO ONE, I mean NO ONE would expect me to go. 

But then one day I left my uniform laying on my bed in my room and my roommate saw it. If I would have been more stealthy than perhaps I could have continued my double life even longer… but it ended. She thought it was absolutely ridiculous and that I was “wasting my time and money.” But she humored me most of the time anyway. About a month later she moved out and I got another roommate… off of Roommates.com. DON’T DO THAT! It’s weird and it’s a bad idea.

More months passed and before I knew it I was laid off from my job due to the economy… though I really disliked that job anyway. I continued training… I moved several times, met a ton of new people and even cemented friendships that turned into chosen family.

It was through this chosen family that I became inspired to pursue my dreams of attending graduate school. Somewhere along the way I had begun to believe that I was not intelligent enough to get in, let alone be able to complete a degree.

And this is what leads me to TODAY! I am living with a good friend, surrounded by people I adore, working on my book, practicing an amazing sport, and working on my masters degree in the program of study that I had planned on getting almost ten years ago.

If I had stayed with Nate none of the things that I am working on would be possible. I would be tied down in a one-sided relationship going no where fast. Don’t get me wrong, I hold no bitter feelings for that boy, he taught me a lot about myself… and what I am capable of becoming. He also taught me what I do and do not want in a man. I have come to realize that I deserve someone who adores me. They don’t have to be brilliant or rich (though I would like funny) but they do have to adore me… I wont settle for less than that.

So my “choose your own adventure” in life is coming along not how I had planned… it is even better. I believe that for whatever reason I was with Nate there was a lesson for me to learn, possibly one that I had been attempting to learn for many lives. And the freedom and knowledge that I gained from that relationship was so freeing and such a relief in my heart that I must have finally gotten something right.

Right now everything appears to be flowing just as it should. My roommate always says that if you want something you should lean in that direction and the universe will take care of the rest… so this is me leaning in that direction. I hope that you are too.