weight loss

Health

Here I am in Oregon and I am experiencing the things that I miss as well as the things that I don’t. I miss my family. I do not miss the mind chilling weather. I have had an exciting and exhausting week so far. It’s hard traveling without Jay, especially for this long. It’s just hard.

I have realized a lot of changes in my energy since I have been back. I am constantly exhausted. I attribute this to weight gain. It’s hard for me to understand how I let myself get this out of control. I feel ashamed that my fat jeans are my new skinny jeans. I just feel sad that I can’t move like I used to. I am so out of shape and so unhealthy that I can hardly keep up with the kids as I could just four months ago. It’s harder to breathe when I walk and my knees feel the extra weight as well. I feel ten years older than I am. This can’t keep going on. Many people say to just accept it and buy the bigger jean size. I feel like that’s the wrong answer. I feel like that is the easy way out. Don’t they understand what all if this is doing to my heart? My lungs? My knees? My ankles? My circulation? Diabetes is likely to happen since my whole family is dealing with it. Getting used to it is a horrible option. I am not going to tell others that they need to lose weight or try to force them into it, just like I am not going to tell a smoker that they need to quit their habit. Health is a habit and I’ve made being unhealthy my habit. It makes me makes me feel defeated. I feel like I have lost control of taking care of my body and that i’m at a crossroad. I also know I can’t do this alone. I need a lot of help. And I don’t know where to start. I just know this has to change.

Wallpaper_with_Dr__Cox__quote_by_Silverphantom88

Space Station of Hesitation

“And possibly, the remedy
Is a dose of apathy” -Relient K

I opened the document leading to my ramblings, the ramblings of a book that I’ve promised myself to finish. There are two now. Two starts to two books. Writers block comes and goes. Pages and pages of fragmented stories. I’m not sure how to continue. I start focusing on these tiny little details. I need to just let go and write. Fix the tiny details later. But my tunnel vision gets the best of me. There has to be a cure for this kind of writers block. Focus on the wrong things, the wrong details, the small things, instead of the big picture. When I was younger writing was so natural. Finishing a story was so easy. Now that I’m older my thoughts wander off. I wonder if I’ve lost my touch with words. Perhaps my talent has dwindled. Perhaps. Perhaps not. Perhaps I just need to clear my mind. It’s so clouded lately. Under my cloud covered mind has to lye a line of electrical transmission transferring into something more than just a beginning of a story. Something more solid, something more substantial, something that really shows what I’m made of. I know that it must still be inside me. I need to find a way to clear my mind so that the story can start flowing again. But there are a lot of things that need to change.

 

Change is hard, especially when you have no idea where to start. The message in church today was that if we didn’t like the way that our life was going then we needed to change our minds. I realize that I need to change a lot of things. But I also realize I’m not sure where to start. Truth is that I’m homesick and want nothing more than to have a home close to home. But that’s the least of it, my biggest, ugliest problem is that I can’t stand how much I’ve let myself go. I read this article the other day that said women hate taking pictures because of their weight. It suggested that we, as women, learn to be okay with the fact that we’ve gained weight. But I’m not. I can’t stand the way that I look in photos or in the mirror. I hardly recognize myself. I try not to look in the mirror and recent photos make me feel even more insecure. I honestly think the only way to “change my mind” is to somehow start working on it. I hate running because my knees hurt beyond any explanation. Walking is beyond boring. And there isn’t space for anything else. But I miss my body. I miss taekwondo. I know walking is a start but I honestly hate being bored to death. I know that I can do it… but I don’t know how long I will stick with it. I miss the class setting… and how many calories I burned. And how exciting it was to kick the bag. I just miss it. But it’s not an option so I have to try something else. I miss cute cloths and being able to look in the mirror without shame. I know that now is the time to start. But I also need some kind of schedule. Perhaps it’s time to start making one. Something has to change. I have to change. My body has never felt this weak, this fatigue, this short of breath, or this inferior. So it’s time.

The hypocrite in me

Well I have never been a fan of dieting and have been very outspoken about it. I know that dieting is dumb because in the end you gain all of the weight back. But what is appealing is the time it takes you to lose the weight. I have 2 months to lose 5 in. This I believe is impossible. So I am doing the dumb diet thing and lose some quick weight before the wedding. Today is day one. I am not very excited or motivated but withP90x I had only lost one tiny pound in 6 weeks. Now I have to diet and workout. Yucky. I had changed my eating habits so I hadn’t gained weight but I hadn’t lost any either. With P90x I gained muscle but it didn’t help that the muscle was just building up under my fat. My whole life I have been against dieting. I had been pro lifestyle changes and up until now, when I need to lose the most weight The changes have worked. So as the hypocritical person within… I am doing something that I am so against. I have to lose this weight! I want to fit into that stupid dress. I don’t want to be this big. After the wedding is over I will have to work twice as hard to keep the weight off…the right way.i will have to find a way to lose the weight and keep it offhand not be a crazy maniac when it comes to working out. Sigh. This has to happen. But for the next two months I will be a hypocrite 🙁

 

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