relaizations

Wonderstruck by stars and trees and other things

In Beauty, Liberation, Prayer, process, relaizations, Stars by admin / October 4, 2012 / No comments

There truly are no words to explain the way I felt when I saw my first one. It was late and dark but that didn’t seem to matter. I was wonderstruck and filled with awe. But there it was, standing tall and proud and graceful all at once. I stared with unbelieving eyes. It was breathtaking and beautiful. The green moss crawled around its thick base curling to the top like garland on a christmas tree. As we drove by more and more of them I just wanted to stop and stare. They were so grand and I couldn’t take my eyes off of them. I didn’t want to leave. But we had to.

The wind whispered to my tired eyes that they would see them once again. I breathed in a sigh of relief. As morning slowly crept into our lives we were on the road again. We saw the bright colors of the sunrise create a backdrop behind the majestic green giants. In daylight they were just as extravagant.

The redwoods were magnificent. They reached taller than the tallest trees in all of my memories. The trunk was wider than any trunk I had ever laid eyes upon. And when I hugged one it made me feel as tiny as the stars do. Tiny but significant. Noticed and encouraged by the Creator. I find myself filled with peace and hope and contentment. Very few things make me feel this way.

It is one of the most amazing feelings that one could possibly ever feel. Perhaps the forest makes me feel even more alive than the ocean.

The Cost of Embossed Emotional Exhaust

In people, Prayer, process, psychology, relaizations, the questions are the answers by admin / July 22, 2012 / No comments

Lately I have been so overwhelmed. With wedding stuff, not being able to find work, and not having any savings left. I’m just not coping as well as I hoped. The lack of money is causing a lot of anxiety and to be honest I think it is getting worse. The other day I was getting coffee (at church) and I froze. I was a deer in the headlights and completely socially handicapped. I cannot remember the last time I was like this. I think it was sixth grade. Which means that was over 16 years ago. I am getting panicky in crowds and am not exactly 100% sure where this is coming from. When I think about having to be around a bunch of people my chest gets tight, like something is being stacked on top of it. I don’t feel like I am afraid of people or anything I think my social anxiety has just increased. The other day I thought I was going to have a panic attack. I’ve been trying to work on ways to calm myself down and evaluate every situation but sometimes I don’t have the time needed to compose myself before the next situation arises. If I don’t get my stuff together and find a way to calm myself down I am going to completely socially handicap myself. I need to find a way to slowly start interacting with people from the outside more often. I’ve had social anxiety my whole life. Since sixth grade I have been a social butterfly, extroverted, and involved in everything I could get my hands on. It took me a while to work my way up to it but now I’m not sure what happened. I know that I need consistent social interactions (or inoculations) in order to beat this. BUT without a job it’s so difficult to have a social life. I need a job. I know it would solve so many issues. Not only would I be able to have social interactions everyday but I could also have a social life again. I could join a community club or fitness club, And my financial stresses would slowly dwindle into nothingness. So if anyone reads this… I would love it if you could pray about it. I know I am.

;

Feeling Close to God in the ghetto.

In people, places I love, Prayer, process, relaizations by admin / June 16, 2012 / No comments

Well it has been an interesting week to say the least. I found it a little bittersweet. I had an interview on Thursday for a really cool internship but because I don’t have a job I had to turn it down. It would have been 4 hours of drive time every week for 3 months. Without gas money that doesn’t really work. I almost think it was a little silver lining. I haven’t really been too excited about much lately. Haven’t really felt much of anything lately. But visiting the Aids project LA really excited me.
It reminded me why I got a degree in psychology in the first place. I can’t remember the last time I felt so alive and excited about something. But just one hour there taught me a lot about myself, others, and my faith. Places like these that truly want to help people… Any kind of people despite gender or race or religion or sexual orientation or past…. These are strangely the places where I feel closest to God. Honestly, this is where I see Jesus hanging out and teaching.
I know that sometimes for many of us we forget that Jesus didn’t hang out with the priests or righteous but rather the prostitutes, thieves, and outcasts. Shouldn’t that tell us something about Him and His expectations for
Us?
When I am blessed enough to get to hangout with the outcasts I feel so much closer to God. I think being away from volunteering and hanging out with them makes me feel a little more lonely and homesick because it is difficult for
me to see Jesus in the righteous, religious, or accepted. This isn’t because these people are bad or are doing anything wrong. This is because for some reason deep inside me God gave me this passion and unexplainable love for the outcast. And when I am spending my time with these outcasts I feel closer to Home. Perhaps this should tell me something about His plan for me?
I seem to have a lot of inward pondering as of late and I felt I should write this blog just so I could visually evaluate them.