We woke up pretty early and started exploring Austin. Everyone assured me that this would be my favorite place in Texas. It was supposed to resemble Portland. Portland had even stolen their “keep __ weird” slogan.
I’m going to be upfront with you when I say… I didn’t really like it. Austin felt congested and filled with hipsters. Traffic was as bad as Los Angeles!
And then we headed to our next destination!!!!
Well today I embarked on the journey of going through some of the stuff in the spare room. There is so much stuff that we probably don’t need but I find I’m having a difficult time letting go. I opened a couple of boxes and started pruning away. Inside one of the boxes I found a smaller box filled with old letters. Many of them from friends but quite a few from family. I opened a few just to reminiscence. Letter after letter I read my childhood through the eyes of my loved ones. Letters from grandparents who I never got the chance to meet, family who I tried to get to know but communication dwindled as I aged. Family and connection has been so important to me and as of late I have failed to keep in touch. Facebook has stunted my letter writing, my phone calls, and my meet ups. It’s just easier to be a lazy friend. I’m trying to get the courage to no longer communicate through facebook but it is so hard. Facebook is one of the few ways that I see photos of my nieces and my nephews. Not to mention other family who I miss like crazy. However, facebook is poison to human connection. Sure it seems like a good idea but in reality it is so impersonal. People just don’t connect like they used to . It’s sad.
As I continued to look through letters and notes and unset but stamped thank you cards I realized that in the blink of an eye my life has passed me by. I’m not 22 any more and life is just speeding up. I keep praying that God has this plan for me that I can’t see and that some day I will wake up and think “oh it all makes sense now”… but I must still be dreaming because I just can’t see it yet. Life just keeps moving forward. I sometimes feel like I am moving backwards. Not using my degrees… doing exactly what I said I wouldn’t be. Life is funny like that.
Here we are in the city we least like living, in a small little condo, and hoping for the best. So many snags from day one. We arrived during a monsoon only to have to unpack in the pouring rain. Water past our ankles, running through puddles, and trying to out run the down pour that just seemed to chase us. Yet, somehow we managed to unpack the very stuffed U-hall in a short amount of time. Our floors were wet and our boxes had little puddles we had to pour off but we lived through it. The next few days we unpacked and spent money we didn’t yet have on things we deemed necessary. Both of us became discouraged as we dislike purchasing anything on borrowed money. I especially learned my lesson from student loans. But without any furniture or kitchen stuff… we had to bite the bullet. We made our way into the valley of defeat where we are now owned by the shackles of debt. We’re doing our best to make the best of it. We’ve been searching for the silver lining and looking for the positives. Jay hasn’t had an appetite since we’ve been here. I can tell he is struggling. Life seems to be spinning out of control in a sense. It’s like we got on a treadmill but can’t jump off.. just have to keep going. Faster and faster and faster. You want to turn off the controls but they aren’t within reach. So you pray. Pray for the beauty of life to show itself and hope that you can see it when it does. And then maybe things will slow down and feel somewhat normal (whatever that is).
We really miss LA.. we miss the green and the weather and the ocean and all the beaches and the beauty… so it’s not hard to understand why we wonder if something beautiful can happen in a place so opposite.
I keep thinking of that song by Gungor… Beautiful things. I keep thinking that even though things aren’t ideal maybe something beautiful can find its way through.
Here’s a picture just before the flood!
The ocean lately has been sparkly and perfect. Despite wishing I was in better shape so I could enjoy them more, I have no other complaints. We spend many of our weekends next to the seashore and tackling waves that sometimes tackle us. I really wish we could stay in SoCal. I think in my heart I am becoming an Angeleno. Not entirely because I am not a native to California but as a transplant. I can’t imagine being anywhere other than the west coast. I think it would be the straw that broke the camels back (me being the camel). I just don’t think I could withstand that kind of disappointment. I’ve had a lot of huge disappointments as life has not been easy too me from the start. But heaven knows I’ve been blessed beyond all measures. I’ve been given a lot too.
My old hard drive recently came alive to unlock countless priceless memories. Some I remembered some were triggered by the images I saw. It was nice. I remember that girl. I remember her drive. I remember her hopes and dreams. I remember her self esteem. But things change. People change. Life changes. I’ve been reading this great book about finding happiness in everyday. It gives some pretty cool insight on simple things that make a difference. I’m only half way through it and I am captivated. Of course it says all of the same things that you hear all of the time… meditation, prayer, journaling, and making room for one thing that captivates you. At least 15 minutes of something you love, something that sets your mind free. I’ve really been considering playing the flute again. It’s been a while. But when I play without thinking I really love it. The issue is making time. And making myself stick to it without making it feel like a chore. I think that the book is onto something. Scratch that I know that it is onto something because I have read the statistics. I know making time for such things makes an impact on your life.
I was also talking to an old friend today and we talked about having the lives we always wanted. We have dreams… but making plans to achieve them at our age seems almost impossible. Kutless has this awesome part in one of their songs that says
“It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason
For someone not to try”
Lately I’ve felt a lot of things were impossible. But talking to old friends and reading good books is kind of inspiring. Perhaps I’m not too old to still do the things I’ve dreamed of doing. I just don’t really know where to start. But I know life is going in the right direction. I just don’t know how long it will take to get me there!
