process

Well I can’t say that Phoenix has been all bad… Some good things have come from being here. For one… Jason and I have set a date for our wedding. In order to do this I have set a goal to lose some weight. I am hoping that I can lose enough weight to make myself feel confident again. I have had a few issues in that department since I’ve gained so much weight in the last couple of years. Mostly though I worry for my health as I know what my family history is. I have a genetic line weaved with diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and heart disease. I need to believe that taking care of myself is important. Once upon a time I loved working out. I no longer have those cravings and desperatly hope that I can somehow dig deep down and find them again. It’s going to take a lot of work and it’s not going to be easy… But I do believe that it is possible. Those cravings as dormant as they might be, are still there.

While I was in California I tried a taekwondo class in hopes of spiking the excitement I once had. Instead I found myself ultimately disappointed. The place looked great on the outside, had a lot of trophies but when I went there I could feel the lack of heart. I desperately missed my old school and remembered how dedicated my old teammates were. The cost of that school was over $200 a month and I felt like I was getting less than a fraction of the training I had been getting in Oregon. I wasn’t challenged and I wasn’t corrected. When the instructor evaluated me he gave me a 9 out of 10. He offered to let me skip 3 belts and continue my training. I felt cheated. I scored myself at maybe a 4 out of 10 due to my lack of training. It was a waste of energy even showing up. I had no intention of returning.

I arrived in Arizona a week ago. I had no desire to return to Arizona but found myself blessed to come across a free trial. They even let me wear my Choi’s uniform. Just watching a class for a few minutes lifted my spirit as I saw the grandmaster lecturing on how to do a proper turn back kick. 2 days later I started my first trial class… It hurt so bad! My flexibility during stretching was atrocious… As my muscles had become Unyeildingly bound from the lack of attention in the last couple years. I was clearly out of shape! I hated every minute of that class. I lost my breath, I felt sick to my stomach, and I didn’t really want to keep going… But I did anyway. I gave it every ounce of energy my body had left in it. At the end of the hour my arms collapsed under exhaustion and I could not hold myself up for pushups. The next day I was in so much pain that I had trouble getting off the couch and getting plates from the cupboards for dinner. I didn’t really want to go back… I thought maybe I had gotten too old for this. But 2 days later I went back anyway. I walked into class and we lined up… I felt honored as they let me long up in my belt rank position. Then it was time to gear up… For sparring. I will admit that I was a little scared. I didn’t think I was anywhere close to ready. I certainly didn’t feel prepared but I did it anyway. We got in our ready positions and then we started sparring. The people in the class were pretty amazing to learn with and it felt absolutely wonderful to kick again. This school restored a glimmer of the love I one had. Now… If I can just take these tiny sparks and kindle a fire!