people

My Two J’s

In Family, Holidays, My Princess, people, relaizations by admin / November 30, 2012 / No comments

I’m not sure why my last blog was so sad and depressing. I guess that’s how I felt when I wrote it. Sometimes I get homesick for the family. The holidays can magnify it a little. I’ve been a tad bit off since Jay started working. I just miss him and it throws everything off balance. But I digress. Tomorrow is December 1st and the Christmas Season has more than officially begun. I’ve been busy creating things from new decorations to designing cards to send out very soon. I am excited for Jay and I’s first Christmas together as a Married couple. I’m excited because I love firsts. I love firsts even more with him. It’s kind of cool getting to experience first things with someone else. Later in life I will have someone to reminisce with. I can laugh about my first BIG roller coaster ride, talk about the excitement of seeing the Redwoods for the first time, picking out our first cat, and all of our first holidays. I am big on holidays! I love celebrating and the bigger they are the more that I love them. They are so exciting and magical… especially CHRISTMAS! I’m more excited about Christmas this year, though I’m not sure why. I just am. I even put Jake in his HO HO collar a little early this year.

Unfourtunatly I think he’s going to need a new one next year. This is the third year he has had it and it is beginning to look a little… loved. Again, I digress. I love firsts. They are kind of magical. Magical like Christmas morning or walking into Disneyland for the first time. Magical like getting off of the fastest roller coaster around and wanting to go again. Magical like the awe of seeing the biggest trees in the world. Magical like first kisses and snuggling on a cold day. Magical like chocolate and peanut butter or sticky rice in sushi. Magical like meeting tiny little babies for the first time. Magical like candlelight church services on Christmas eve. There are a lot of amazing little things in life that make it worthwhile. Sometimes we don’t celebrate them enough. Sometimes we do.

Well what else is new? Sophia got to come home from the hospital. Angel said she is doing well and that Rosie loves being a big sister. It reminds me of Angel and I growing up. I hope they are as close as we are. Being a Sister is a pretty amazing thing. Growing up is a pretty amazing thing. I can’t wait to get to know them both as they grow and mold into women. I love all of my nieces and nephews and am so proud of them. Sometimes I feel guilty that I love them so much. I often wonder if I am hurting Jay because he can’t see his Lexie. I know how terrible that must be for him. I wish there was something, anything I could do. But there isn’t. It makes me sad. I hope someday he may be able to love his other nieces and nephews as they learn to know and love him. He is now an uncle to so many. I know they will look up to him and love him like I do (in a different way of course).

I feel so grateful to have My two J’s (Jason & Jake) in my life. They make it extra cozy and loving. And I am so proud of my husband for all that he does for us. I know it’s not easy for him to work a job that isn’t something he enjoys. I am so proud of him for being who he is and being patient as he gets to know me more and more every day. I love him so much for learning to compromise in good ways and laughing at my silly jokes or silly singing. I am so blessed to be loved so much. I don’t say that enough and I really wanted to tonight.

The Cost of Embossed Emotional Exhaust

In people, Prayer, process, psychology, relaizations, the questions are the answers by admin / July 22, 2012 / No comments

Lately I have been so overwhelmed. With wedding stuff, not being able to find work, and not having any savings left. I’m just not coping as well as I hoped. The lack of money is causing a lot of anxiety and to be honest I think it is getting worse. The other day I was getting coffee (at church) and I froze. I was a deer in the headlights and completely socially handicapped. I cannot remember the last time I was like this. I think it was sixth grade. Which means that was over 16 years ago. I am getting panicky in crowds and am not exactly 100% sure where this is coming from. When I think about having to be around a bunch of people my chest gets tight, like something is being stacked on top of it. I don’t feel like I am afraid of people or anything I think my social anxiety has just increased. The other day I thought I was going to have a panic attack. I’ve been trying to work on ways to calm myself down and evaluate every situation but sometimes I don’t have the time needed to compose myself before the next situation arises. If I don’t get my stuff together and find a way to calm myself down I am going to completely socially handicap myself. I need to find a way to slowly start interacting with people from the outside more often. I’ve had social anxiety my whole life. Since sixth grade I have been a social butterfly, extroverted, and involved in everything I could get my hands on. It took me a while to work my way up to it but now I’m not sure what happened. I know that I need consistent social interactions (or inoculations) in order to beat this. BUT without a job it’s so difficult to have a social life. I need a job. I know it would solve so many issues. Not only would I be able to have social interactions everyday but I could also have a social life again. I could join a community club or fitness club, And my financial stresses would slowly dwindle into nothingness. So if anyone reads this… I would love it if you could pray about it. I know I am.

;

Feeling Close to God in the ghetto.

In people, places I love, Prayer, process, relaizations by admin / June 16, 2012 / No comments

Well it has been an interesting week to say the least. I found it a little bittersweet. I had an interview on Thursday for a really cool internship but because I don’t have a job I had to turn it down. It would have been 4 hours of drive time every week for 3 months. Without gas money that doesn’t really work. I almost think it was a little silver lining. I haven’t really been too excited about much lately. Haven’t really felt much of anything lately. But visiting the Aids project LA really excited me.
It reminded me why I got a degree in psychology in the first place. I can’t remember the last time I felt so alive and excited about something. But just one hour there taught me a lot about myself, others, and my faith. Places like these that truly want to help people… Any kind of people despite gender or race or religion or sexual orientation or past…. These are strangely the places where I feel closest to God. Honestly, this is where I see Jesus hanging out and teaching.
I know that sometimes for many of us we forget that Jesus didn’t hang out with the priests or righteous but rather the prostitutes, thieves, and outcasts. Shouldn’t that tell us something about Him and His expectations for
Us?
When I am blessed enough to get to hangout with the outcasts I feel so much closer to God. I think being away from volunteering and hanging out with them makes me feel a little more lonely and homesick because it is difficult for
me to see Jesus in the righteous, religious, or accepted. This isn’t because these people are bad or are doing anything wrong. This is because for some reason deep inside me God gave me this passion and unexplainable love for the outcast. And when I am spending my time with these outcasts I feel closer to Home. Perhaps this should tell me something about His plan for me?
I seem to have a lot of inward pondering as of late and I felt I should write this blog just so I could visually evaluate them.