loss

I was listening to some old flute music of mine today. And to be honest I couldn’t believe it was me. I wonder if I would still be able to play… play with the emotion and feeling that I once had. I used to pick up a flute and feel so much energy. I wasn’t a pro or anything like that but I could almost feel the music flowing through my veins. Some days I think of all of the stuff that used to represent me and I miss it. The hardest part is dusting off the old books or flutes or whatever it was and trying again. It’s difficult because it is painful. it’s painful because these things remind me of special times in my life, times filled with people I adored and doted on. Many of the people are no longer around while others are out there somewhere but it is unlikely that I will ever see them again. Each thing represents a special person who has imprinted on my heart in a different way. The happy stuff that I remember can no longer be held onto. I realize that I must move forward and find new happy stuff and new memories but for some reason that doesn’t make me miss the old ones any less. These people helped build and create me. People like Vic and Ileen and Pat and Charleen and Burt and the list goes on and on and on. These beloved people who believed that I could be something great and encouraged me to dream. They made my life feel so extravagant and I didn’t even notice until it was to late. Today there are many people who continue to impact my life with love and encouragement. I am so thankful for them. I think that’s one of the reasons the holidays are so bittersweet. The people who are still around I am able to see but the people who aren’t I miss. Holidays are difficult because they always remind me of what I took for granted. I look around and think of the people whom once were so influential in my life and how I would give just about anything to thank them, to have dinner with them, to pick their brains, but mostly just be near them. Year after year and lost opportunity after lost opportunity I finally begin to understand why life is so precious. It’s not the things or the money or the gifts or even the occasions… it’s the people.