Dallas day 2
We spent the day in Dallas and then drove to Oklahoma!
Liberation
Next To the SeaShores
The ocean lately has been sparkly and perfect. Despite wishing I was in better shape so I could enjoy them more, I have no other complaints. We spend many of our weekends next to the seashore and tackling waves that sometimes tackle us. I really wish we could stay in SoCal. I think in my heart I am becoming an Angeleno. Not entirely because I am not a native to California but as a transplant. I can’t imagine being anywhere other than the west coast. I think it would be the straw that broke the camels back (me being the camel). I just don’t think I could withstand that kind of disappointment. I’ve had a lot of huge disappointments as life has not been easy too me from the start. But heaven knows I’ve been blessed beyond all measures. I’ve been given a lot too.
My old hard drive recently came alive to unlock countless priceless memories. Some I remembered some were triggered by the images I saw. It was nice. I remember that girl. I remember her drive. I remember her hopes and dreams. I remember her self esteem. But things change. People change. Life changes. I’ve been reading this great book about finding happiness in everyday. It gives some pretty cool insight on simple things that make a difference. I’m only half way through it and I am captivated. Of course it says all of the same things that you hear all of the time… meditation, prayer, journaling, and making room for one thing that captivates you. At least 15 minutes of something you love, something that sets your mind free. I’ve really been considering playing the flute again. It’s been a while. But when I play without thinking I really love it. The issue is making time. And making myself stick to it without making it feel like a chore. I think that the book is onto something. Scratch that I know that it is onto something because I have read the statistics. I know making time for such things makes an impact on your life.
I was also talking to an old friend today and we talked about having the lives we always wanted. We have dreams… but making plans to achieve them at our age seems almost impossible. Kutless has this awesome part in one of their songs that says
“It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason
For someone not to try”
Lately I’ve felt a lot of things were impossible. But talking to old friends and reading good books is kind of inspiring. Perhaps I’m not too old to still do the things I’ve dreamed of doing. I just don’t really know where to start. But I know life is going in the right direction. I just don’t know how long it will take to get me there!
Space Station of Hesitation
“And possibly, the remedy
Is a dose of apathy” -Relient K
I opened the document leading to my ramblings, the ramblings of a book that I’ve promised myself to finish. There are two now. Two starts to two books. Writers block comes and goes. Pages and pages of fragmented stories. I’m not sure how to continue. I start focusing on these tiny little details. I need to just let go and write. Fix the tiny details later. But my tunnel vision gets the best of me. There has to be a cure for this kind of writers block. Focus on the wrong things, the wrong details, the small things, instead of the big picture. When I was younger writing was so natural. Finishing a story was so easy. Now that I’m older my thoughts wander off. I wonder if I’ve lost my touch with words. Perhaps my talent has dwindled. Perhaps. Perhaps not. Perhaps I just need to clear my mind. It’s so clouded lately. Under my cloud covered mind has to lye a line of electrical transmission transferring into something more than just a beginning of a story. Something more solid, something more substantial, something that really shows what I’m made of. I know that it must still be inside me. I need to find a way to clear my mind so that the story can start flowing again. But there are a lot of things that need to change.
Change is hard, especially when you have no idea where to start. The message in church today was that if we didn’t like the way that our life was going then we needed to change our minds. I realize that I need to change a lot of things. But I also realize I’m not sure where to start. Truth is that I’m homesick and want nothing more than to have a home close to home. But that’s the least of it, my biggest, ugliest problem is that I can’t stand how much I’ve let myself go. I read this article the other day that said women hate taking pictures because of their weight. It suggested that we, as women, learn to be okay with the fact that we’ve gained weight. But I’m not. I can’t stand the way that I look in photos or in the mirror. I hardly recognize myself. I try not to look in the mirror and recent photos make me feel even more insecure. I honestly think the only way to “change my mind” is to somehow start working on it. I hate running because my knees hurt beyond any explanation. Walking is beyond boring. And there isn’t space for anything else. But I miss my body. I miss taekwondo. I know walking is a start but I honestly hate being bored to death. I know that I can do it… but I don’t know how long I will stick with it. I miss the class setting… and how many calories I burned. And how exciting it was to kick the bag. I just miss it. But it’s not an option so I have to try something else. I miss cute cloths and being able to look in the mirror without shame. I know that now is the time to start. But I also need some kind of schedule. Perhaps it’s time to start making one. Something has to change. I have to change. My body has never felt this weak, this fatigue, this short of breath, or this inferior. So it’s time.
