Beauty

My Cat is So Cute

Ok this post has absolutely nothing to do with my cat. But he is pretty dern cute. Especially lately when he actually wants to snuggle.

 

We’ve done a lot of packing and unpacking and repacking and purging lately. It’s been a weird experience to say the least. In some ways it’s kind of nice in others not so much. On one hand our stuff is just sitting stagnantly out in boxes in the garage until we hold different cards in our hands and we are able to have space to use it. On the other hand… I really want to use it. I want to have my photos up and things out. I miss having that “home” idea. You know that place where your stuff doesn’t live in boxes. Yeah. I’ve done a lot of contemplating lately. About jobs and school and life in general. We’ve talked a lot about what we should do next, how stressed we feel at times, and how discouraged we are to not be able to support ourselves. We keep applying. we get rejection letters. I feel sad. He feels sad. And then the next day we wake up and try again. we just keep trying and hoping that things are going to get better. We know that eventually things WILL change. Nothing stays the same forever.

The past few weeks the weekends have been magical. We’ve seen several different beaches and several different climates if you will. we’ve fell different kinds of sand on our toes, gotten soaked in sea water, and hunted broken shells along the way. We’ve seen a lot. One thing is for sure… California is beautiful. It’s gorgeous. There’s a reason so many people live here. I think even when times are tough God gives us a glimpse of something beautiful. We just have to choose to see it.

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Joy and beauty like a child

Well I’ve been back from Portland for a few days now. I’m finally starting to settle back in. It was a crazy week filled with many emotions. I visited my best friend while her grandfather passed. It was a very difficult time. I’ve known him for almost 20 years and he was like the Grandfather that I never had. Seeing him one last time was good for me but difficult. Loss never gets easier. The older I get the more difficult it gets. I can’t even imagine what she is going through right now. I deal with grief in one way but she deals with it in another. Even when we have lost someone we love, someone we are close to you still can’t imagine what they are going through. We can relate but we cannot feel exactly what they are. Loss is complicated.We are all different. But Loss is difficult. Sarah really impressed me. Her bright and joyful pre-adolescent mind conquered her loss in ways that I can only pray for. She was so selfless and excited for her grandfather going to heaven. It’s times like these that I wish I could be more like her. Perhaps she understands better than most of us because she doesn’t have to deal with the comprehension and fear that an adult might. It’s a blessing in so many ways.

Happy things happened too like seeing my tiny little nieces and nephews. They bring so much joy to my life. I met Sophia for the first time. Her tiny little everything made me nervous at first. It’s been so long since I have held a newborn but the experience is always joyful. I love tiny little people with bright eyes and innocence. Even when that tiny someone cries it is a miracle. The way they communicate and how they see the world around them. To tiny little people everything is amazing and beautiful. There is excitement everywhere. They don’t need words to experience beauty that many adults have forgotten and lost insight on how to see.

I saw friends from when I was young and allowed myself to relax enough to have fun. Real smiles. Real laughter. Real life. Other things happened too like watching movies with my best friend, eating pizza with my family, hugging loved ones, and seeing Jay and I’s brick for the first time. Beautiful things happened.

My goal this year is to see more of the beauty in life and less of the flaws. I know this is going to be a lot of hard work. I want to see joy around me and beauty in my fathers creations. I want to try and experience life again like tiny little people do… with amazement and excitement and joy. So though things aren’t like I had planned… perhaps with joy they can be even better. Kids can see so much more than adults can because they are unbiased and don’t over-think things. They are capable of seeing so much more than we are!

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Home

Oh Portland, City that I love,

I missed you more than you could possibly imagine. The memories that we have are paramount. Though I was able to visit briefly I remember why I loved you so. I remember your overcast skies that so beautifully tinted the world around me like a safety goggle secured over sensitive eyes. I remember smiles from strangers, walks downtown, chats with new friends, drives with old friends. But there is one thing that I forgot while I was away, a sense of home. I landed in your radiant city on a tiny little jet plane from somewhere south. I keep trying to convince myself that this new place could be my new home. But as my tiny feet hit the tarmac that Saturday afternoon I felt the one thing that I haven’t felt in quite sometime… I felt home. The adjustment was somewhat strange at first perhaps even a foreign memory of a repressed old feeling. I was skeptical of the caress of familiarity and it took me an hour or so before I recognized what it was. I simply felt home. In the arms of an old friend who greeted me even when I was at the worst. The memories embraced me like a warm childhood blanket on a cold winter day. Secure. Safe. Home. I was home. I had no idea how much I missed my grey skies or my fluffy green trees. Or that cold mountain. Memories… ten by ten they flooded in like the rouge river herself. Glitter on the sidewalks, brilliant bridges high and low, and family (biological and adopted). Leaving my beautiful city wasn’t easy. So I plugged my headphones in and listened to “Painting Pictures of Egypt” just one more time and then another. The theme song of my very soul. I keep waiting. I keep wishing. I keep praying. For something. Something to remind me that I am alive like I once was. Age has brought me a new feeling, a new set of neuro chemicals to make me wonder what on earth is next. This can’t possibly be what life is about. There has to be more. I keep telling myself that it’s the wrong timing, that I must wait… but I have no idea what I’m waiting for. Perhaps if it came now I wouldn’t recognize it just like the song says. Perhaps I’m just not ready. It’s not my timing after all. It’s His timing. My job is to trust Him. To lean on non linear thinking. I’m working on it. I know that I must be learning something right now. But I miss the intellectual times in my life and the physical times in my life… the times where and when I felt like I was on top of the world. I miss my times in Portland. I miss my times educating myself, learning new languages, experiencing new cultures, and breathing in the exciting and challenging moments in life. I know they are still there. But I feel blind lately. Mostly bored. A little disappointed in myself.  What am I supposed to be doing with my life and how am I supposed to be doing it? I miss the people who I used to talk this stuff over with. People like June and Pat and so many others. I miss the people who loved me even when I was vicious and ugly. They made me a better person. I don’t really know what I need at this point. Perhaps joining in on a new class at Real Life or calling an old friend. I’m not sure what I need. I do know for certain though that I need people. The extrovert inside me needs people. But I believe until I can find a “home” again I will have a difficult time meeting people. I need a home. A place where I have beautiful memories and can force myself to relax. But the timing is wrong. For now I will try not to Paint Pictures of Egypt but rather wait on my non linear timing.

-Me

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