Never grow up
My best friend always says that this song by Taylor Swift reminds her of me. The song is called never grow up and song about a girl who grows up and moves away from home. it’s not what she expected. It talks about how she experiences the world and being on her own for the first time. She talks about holding onto the memories and not taking the little things for granted. The truth is that song fits me. It’s the song I think of when I look at my little nieces and nephews. I want to hold them and tell them not to rush growing up, to “take pictures in their mind”. I don’t want them to waste a single taste of their youth.
8 years ago this month I experienced exactly what that girl in the song was singing about. I remember the first day I moved out. It was scary and lonely and dark. The next day I plastered the wall with photos of loved ones and dear memories. That was the day I really began to grow up.
The last couple nights the insomnia returned. it’s been here, like I am restless from the inside out. My mind has been going 1,000,000 miles a minute it doesn’t know when to stop. I’m not sure exactly How to explain it, I’m just restless. There is so much going on inside my brain. So now it’s almost 2:30 in the morning and once again I cannot sleep. Adulthood has brought worry and obsession with time. A lot has been going on. I think the hardest part is not knowing what’s next. I think it’s hard not being able to plan. I’m good at planning. I’ve been a planner my whole life. I’m not quite sure I know what to do without planning. It’s just confusing. I keep thinking maybe and there’s some kind of lesson I am supposed to learn. I keep thinking maybe I am too much of a control freak sometimes. Perhaps my lesson is to learn to let go. But it’s really really difficult to let go sometimes. I think that’s part of being human.
I think that I’m one of those people who always looks at the past and I see all the great things and I start to forget the bad. But in the last few years I’ve learned that the past had just as many struggles as the right now. The past was beautiful because that’s where I learned to be who I am. But the past is also a funny thing because it’s also the place I can get lost in. I’m not afraid or ashamed to admit that I miss my youth. I miss the energy and strength and blind faith I had. I miss the spontaneous, outdoorsy, neurotic, nerdy student who I once was. I liked that girl.
But the truth is that girl has grown up into a woman. A woman who has learned about the world firsthand. The world is a beautifully terrifying place. I am not in control, not like I thought I would be. I am still learning that it’s a good thing. That girl, well she’s still inside me. Every once in a while I get the urge to do something a little crazy, to paint my nails black with sparkles, or to set off on a journey. But if I made choices like I used to with spontaneity and on a whim then I wouldn’t be an adult. I still dream but I am realistic about my dreams. I’m not sure if that is a good thing. I’m still loyal to those who are dear to me. Heavens if only I could do more for them. I so badly wish that I could do so much more for them. There isn’t a day that goes by where I do not miss being near them. I wish I could be there when they were sad. I wish that I could be there to cheer them on when they were doing something wonderful. I wish I could help them when they needed help. All of these things are still the same. Sometimes I forget this. Sometimes being an adult makes us lose track of time. I can’t believe it has been 8 years since I graduated high school. But I can believe how much I have been able to experience since then. I have seen far greater than I had ever imagined.
So I don’t regret growing up. Not one bit. But I wish I hadn’t rushed it at the same time. There is plenty of time to be an adult and make adult choices. I will continue to bask in the sun of adulthood and look forward to the next 8 years… With or without restless nights with many ponderings. And my goal as an adult will be to be a little more like a child. Blind faith. Laughing. Being silly. And not being obsessed with control and time.
ROSIE’S VIDEO:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZgLoJ4pBRbo&feature=share&list=UUBWwO5btUSDQH2KAJYEzyFQ
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZgLoJ4pBRbo?list=UUBWwO5btUSDQH2KAJYEzyFQ&hl=en_US]