Harmony.

Well wedding planning isn’t going as well as I would like. I really really want everything to go better than it is. I’m not even excited for the wedding right now. I feel guilty more than anything. I feel guilty that I can’t help more. I feel guilty that my family is going to struggle if they come. I just feel guilty.  I don’t want to but I do. People keep telling me that it’s not my problem and I shouldn’t worry. But I do worry. I worry that if they come they will be placed in a really difficult spot financially. I don’t want to put them in that situation but I already have. By wanting my wedding in California, where I know they couldn’t afford to come. And yet… if I didn’t have it in California I would be selfish because Jay really wants it there and it wouldn’t be fair to him. No matter what I do I feel like I am doing the wrong thing. It’s too late now. I’ve paid for the venue and other stuff. If we backed out we wouldn’t even be able to afford to go anywhere else.  I know that I can’t please everyone. I know this. BUT… I feel guilty for putting people in a spot like this either. I just feel so incredibly selfish no matter what I do  which is weird because I am trying so hard not to be. AHHH. I just don’t know what to do.

Not much about the wedding seems to be coming together. I have tried to be calm but I find that none of it is what I envisioned. I’m not really sure what to do. Do I just let it be as it is and not worry about it at all.  I know it’s not about the wedding but the marriage. But it is a day that I will remember for the rest of my life. It’s only one day and the marriage will last a lifetime. Which means I only get ONE wedding.  That’s it.  One day. One day to celebrate, to feel pretty, and to celebrate my last milestone.  I don’t want to associate my wedding day with frustration, guilt, and confusion. I can’t really talk about this with anyone because I don’t think they understand how big of a deal it all is to me. This is supposed to be this big milestone in my life, probably the biggest day of my life since J never wants children. This is it. After this I don’t have any other milestones. . . except for age. When I talk about it people just give me advice that just makes me feel worse. It doesn’t solve anything. What I really want is someone to listen and understand. I don’t want someone to feel like they have to fix it. I just want someone to sympathize with me. Yes I am a girl.  I don’t want them to act like it’s not a big deal and give me lame advice that doesn’t solve anything. No I am not a guy. I don’t need a fixer, I need a listener, an understander. This is supposed to be my wedding day.  This is the last milestone I get. This is it. Don’t they get that? Don’t they get that there are no other big events planned. Even if they couldn’t understand everything else… couldn’t they just understand that it is REALLY REALLY important to me?

That my dream wedding would consist of everyone being there. Everyone getting along. No financial burdens. No huge hiccups. No misunderstandings. No fighting. No one feeling left out or uncomfortable. My DREAM WEDDING: consisting of harmony, good friends, and family. That’s it. The rest I could bend on.