More venting 😉
Sometimes I find that life really stings… it’s as if someone takes a stick and swings it across your abdomen until the invisible welts are all you feel. Right now… life stings. I feel like a big looser. A few months ago I lost my job due to cut backs in the economy. However, I have since found myself jobless… even after applying to more jobs than I can count. I have also realized that I will most likely be stuck in a dead end job and the thought of that makes me want to crawl in a hole for the next sixty years. I know that that’s a little extreme but the last position turned out to be a nightmare. Now if I get one of those jobs will I do my best? OF COURSE! Will I be grateful that I have a job? OF COURSE? But I truly worry about it. I’ve even considered going back to school so I could be an Auto Mechanic (it sounded really cool) or paying off some loans and then applying for the FBI (you can’t miss student loan payments and work for the FBI). Something with at least a little field work would be wonderful… or I so I appear to think. I wish the lack of job and the lack of idea as to what to do with my life were my only issues… !!! I think there are some really cool things out there.
Unfortunately due to my lack of job I have been tight on finances 🙁 which has made my social life almost non-existent. On the first I came home to the mess with my roommate. She and her friends went crazy and trashed my belongings. I had to live with a friend for a week while things got nasty. My stress levels were sky high (no pun intended). I had never had such large bags under my eyes! My body started to kinda shut down. I couldn’t sleep and I wasn’t hungry. I had a friend force feeding me food because I was still going to class and I needed the “energy”. But I wasn’t hungry and my body didn’t like the force feeding. A five year old asked me why I had such a serious look on my face and I wasn’t sure what to tell her. On the last day of the chaos the caffeine wasn’t helping and I sunk into my cup of chai. My sleep deprivation had caught up with me and I crashed… I was able to take a half an hour nap. It felt wonderful. And I’ve been able to finally catch a few hours a night. My mind just wouldn’t stop working! Thank heavens it’s calmed down now!
The other day I found out that my ex is getting married. He had asked me to marry him around six months ago…I said no because I thought it was too soon and we needed to work a few things out first. At first I thought he was joking and when I realized he wasn’t I had mixed feelings. I cared for him but it seemed like a way to cover up a mistake. Marriage isn’t a band-aid… it’s a lifelong commitment. So life goes on even if it is a little sting. This is probably just a blessing in disguise and in a year I will look back on this situation and laugh about how things were. Honestly, a lot of trust was lost.
THIS SONG REMINDS ME OF THE TIME HE WANTED ME TO MARRY HIM: WHITE HORSE by TAYLOR SWIFT.
He wanted to run off to Vegas at that moment… I couldn’t. I’ve always been too logical for my own good. It ended really ugly. I had never cried so much in my entire life (no exaggeration needed… it really was that much). I had never in my life been so hurt by an individual. A week before he asked me to marry him he told me that someone else was going to have his baby. As upset with him as I was I really wanted to work things out so I told him that we could work through it. He knew I was upset but he never really got to see it… I wanted to be the understanding girlfriend. As I look back I see that I was probably “TOO UNDERSTANDING” about a lot of things. I was so blessed to have such great friends help me from sinking too much into the carpet some nights. Some other woman was going to have his baby, he said some pretty awful things to me, and there were some pretty crazy/ stupid things that I ignored. Later I learned that it was a false alarm and a ploy for the woman to get him back. By that point everything had already gone downhill and it was too late. Anyway a few weeks after we decided that we couldn’t talk to one another he jumped into a new relationship… with his young friend. He knew that, that stung more than anything he could say to make me feel like less of a person…I was simply, disposable. He took her to all of our places and sang her all of our songs… he erased all sentiment we ever had within a couple of weeks… and then made sure to send me the pictures of them doing these things. It’s been six months, two since we’ve completely stopped talking. And now they’re getting married. It worked… I do feel disposable. I haven’t dated anyone in six months. I’ve went on a couple dates to try and distract myself. I’ve been asked on several and turned them down ’cause I just wasn’t ready. And have I gotten over him? Well I don’t want to be with him that’s for sure. I should have listened to my friends about him. But it still hurts that I was so insignificant. I think that there is a good chance that I probably wont be dating for at least a couple more months. I don’t want to date for the wrong reasons. And how will I know… that he has integrity once I think I’ve found someone? I’m a tad confused!
So what else is on my mind??? Well I miss my kitty like crazy but I had to give her away. When you have to move as much as I do it’s not right to have animals… but I still miss her. She used to sleep on my back every night and purr until we both fell asleep. And we’d snuggle during my quiet sad times (I’m usually not much of a crier… I just get quiet and stare at the floor). So I miss my little kitty and my baby bunny. They made me happy when Skies were Grey… OK that was cheesy 🙂 cause sky is singular not plural. UGH I lived with an English nerd for too long 🙂
Anyway my little distractions and constant inconsistency have distracted me like crazy lately… my compositions for the summer concerts are a mess and so is everything I’ve been doing in Martial Arts (not that I was great before)… so I need to drink my cup of suck it up soup and get my head straight ASAP!
Anyway I’m going to go watch a movie with a lot of explosions now 🙂 Time for a little relaxation by DVD! Thanks blockbuster!