If you think you’re on here by accident (there are no accidents!)then please understand this blog is of sensitive information(probably because I am actually admitting to being a stupid girl instead of a strong woman… but I have just started writing it so I’m not sure yet). Also please realize that on my preferred blogs I tend to write what I am thinking instantly, without correction… causing many of these blogs to make absolutely no sense to many of my readers.Nonetheless please don’t give away the information that you have read… I’ve given you my trust during my venting times. Also, if you’re new to my myspace page it tends to automatically set people up on my Preferred list. Thanks friends!
I can’t sleep for more than a couple of hours at a time. I’ve been waking up at crazy hours and lying there in bed believing that my mind will stop it’s chaotic thought process and bring me peace. But it’s like the energizer bunny… it just keeps going. I suppose it’s foolish to think that it will slow down until I get my life somewhat together. Until I can do something to contribute to the well being of others. I hate that I feel so decadent all of the time right now. I have to set daily goals just so I don’t drive myself any crazier. And if you asked me how I plan on paying my bills… I would say that your guess is as good as mine. The humility is a beautiful thing. That isn’t sarcasim speaking either, it really is a beautiful thing. But I continue to stress… because if I can’t even take care of myself then how can I help anyone else out? Thank heavens there hasn’t been an anxiety attack in recent times. I’ve been keeping myself pretty busy with martial arts though… martial arts seems to be like therapy in times like these. In other words it’s the only thing getting me through these days. OK not the only thing, I have my faith. AND I should know that God wont give me anymore than I can handle. Jacquee (my best friend) and I have been hanging out like crazy lately. It’s been good for me. We’ve been friends for like 15 years or something… it’s good to have some sort of consistancy when everything else hits the fan! I know that they say that “You are strong when you feel weak” well then… I must be way strong! Jacquee and I have discussed this a bit lately. When I am this discouraged, I don’t feel like I can do anything… I don’t feel like I can be of good use to anyone… in other words I feel a bit useless. She even called me Moses the other day (ha). It’s a long story.
The weirdest thing is that because I am jobless and unable to contribute to society… the thoughts that keep me awake at night aren’t even about the concerns for myself. The things that run through my mind are worries about others and how I can’t do anything to help them. I have friends who are a lot worse off than me. And as I toss and turn I search my mind… any possible way that I might be able to help them out. And I feel as though my hands are tied behind my back. I want a job so I can do something, anything. I really do want to make the lives of those dear to me better… I just don’t know how. I know that money doesn’t solve everything… but it does make a few things easier. So I continue to search my mind… looking for some kind of way to improve someone elses life despite the fact that I have nothing, that my hands are entirely empty. I find myself at what feels like checkmate but there is something I can do… and maybe if I concentrate hard enough, if I look at things differently… then I will see the answer.I know that there is a lesson (or a few) in all of this… I just cant see them yet.
