Here I am in Oregon and I am experiencing the things that I miss as well as the things that I don’t. I miss my family. I do not miss the mind chilling weather. I have had an exciting and exhausting week so far. It’s hard traveling without Jay, especially for this long. It’s just hard.
I have realized a lot of changes in my energy since I have been back. I am constantly exhausted. I attribute this to weight gain. It’s hard for me to understand how I let myself get this out of control. I feel ashamed that my fat jeans are my new skinny jeans. I just feel sad that I can’t move like I used to. I am so out of shape and so unhealthy that I can hardly keep up with the kids as I could just four months ago. It’s harder to breathe when I walk and my knees feel the extra weight as well. I feel ten years older than I am. This can’t keep going on. Many people say to just accept it and buy the bigger jean size. I feel like that’s the wrong answer. I feel like that is the easy way out. Don’t they understand what all if this is doing to my heart? My lungs? My knees? My ankles? My circulation? Diabetes is likely to happen since my whole family is dealing with it. Getting used to it is a horrible option. I am not going to tell others that they need to lose weight or try to force them into it, just like I am not going to tell a smoker that they need to quit their habit. Health is a habit and I’ve made being unhealthy my habit. It makes me makes me feel defeated. I feel like I have lost control of taking care of my body and that i’m at a crossroad. I also know I can’t do this alone. I need a lot of help. And I don’t know where to start. I just know this has to change.
