“And possibly, the remedy
Is a dose of apathy” -Relient K
I opened the document leading to my ramblings, the ramblings of a book that I’ve promised myself to finish. There are two now. Two starts to two books. Writers block comes and goes. Pages and pages of fragmented stories. I’m not sure how to continue. I start focusing on these tiny little details. I need to just let go and write. Fix the tiny details later. But my tunnel vision gets the best of me. There has to be a cure for this kind of writers block. Focus on the wrong things, the wrong details, the small things, instead of the big picture. When I was younger writing was so natural. Finishing a story was so easy. Now that I’m older my thoughts wander off. I wonder if I’ve lost my touch with words. Perhaps my talent has dwindled. Perhaps. Perhaps not. Perhaps I just need to clear my mind. It’s so clouded lately. Under my cloud covered mind has to lye a line of electrical transmission transferring into something more than just a beginning of a story. Something more solid, something more substantial, something that really shows what I’m made of. I know that it must still be inside me. I need to find a way to clear my mind so that the story can start flowing again. But there are a lot of things that need to change.
Change is hard, especially when you have no idea where to start. The message in church today was that if we didn’t like the way that our life was going then we needed to change our minds. I realize that I need to change a lot of things. But I also realize I’m not sure where to start. Truth is that I’m homesick and want nothing more than to have a home close to home. But that’s the least of it, my biggest, ugliest problem is that I can’t stand how much I’ve let myself go. I read this article the other day that said women hate taking pictures because of their weight. It suggested that we, as women, learn to be okay with the fact that we’ve gained weight. But I’m not. I can’t stand the way that I look in photos or in the mirror. I hardly recognize myself. I try not to look in the mirror and recent photos make me feel even more insecure. I honestly think the only way to “change my mind” is to somehow start working on it. I hate running because my knees hurt beyond any explanation. Walking is beyond boring. And there isn’t space for anything else. But I miss my body. I miss taekwondo. I know walking is a start but I honestly hate being bored to death. I know that I can do it… but I don’t know how long I will stick with it. I miss the class setting… and how many calories I burned. And how exciting it was to kick the bag. I just miss it. But it’s not an option so I have to try something else. I miss cute cloths and being able to look in the mirror without shame. I know that now is the time to start. But I also need some kind of schedule. Perhaps it’s time to start making one. Something has to change. I have to change. My body has never felt this weak, this fatigue, this short of breath, or this inferior. So it’s time.
