I want to feel like I exist

I learned a lot tonight at church. God opened my eyes to many things. Sometimes when I go to church I feel like I did before I entered. Sometimes I even feel invisible. I don’t feel empowered or lifted up, I don’t feel at peace or closer to God. When I go to church I want to feel like I am at home, like I am with family. I want to feel like I exist and am a part of something beautiful and powerful and graceful. I want to feel closer to God and seek after His heart like David did. I am not looking for a perfect church filled with perfect people, I am most simply looking for a home away from home.

This week is my last full week in Arizona. It doesn’t feel real and I’m not really sure how I feel about everything. We have tried 5-6 different churches in the 3 months we have been here and 2 others the previous time we lived here. I saw God working in all of those churches but at most of them I found myself feeling invisible. Now don’t get me wrong I do not think that going to church is about me. Just like I know that I am not the center of my family, I am just a part if it. I am just a part of the church… I want to be a part of it. I want to feel like I belong and feel comfortable enough around my church family to be able to open up and long for God with my whole being. My relationship with God is the most personal thing about me. It makes me vulnerable around others, it humbles me, and it teaches me patience. My faith tradition is not just a religion to me, it is an eternal lifestyle. I want to find that imperfect church that will help me grow closer to God and assure me that I exist.

So now the night is closing and my thoughts continue to challenge my physical perceptions of humanity and call me to think more eternally. Things aren’t linear or black and white with three dimensional structures along the way. Life is zig zagged with colorful fourth dimensional structures that our simple minds cannot comprehend. We are more than just existing. I am more than just existing. I, myself am a fourth dimensional colorful creature that walks in zig zags and attempts to understand the uncomprehendable.

I more than exist, I am a piece of something that contains more love than the human race could possibly ever understand… A creator willing to die for his creation.