The Open Sea

I guess I haven’t really written in a while. Yes I have had new posts but no I haven’t really written in a while. I’ve been busy. I haven’t known what to say.

Life has been way too simple and way to complex all at the same time. I find myself desperately wanting a job. I would love to have something to pour my time into, something I could feel worthwhile while doing. But let’s digress and not talk about employment or rather unemployment for the time being. Let’s talk about life.

I used to be that person who believed only in the limitations that you set for yourself. I believed that if you tried hard enough you could do anything. Some days I still get a glimpse of that child. But most days I don’t see life that way anymore. What if growing up has taught me something even better… to be content no matter what your circumstance. No, I actually have not learned that lesson yet but I am well on my way. I look, seek, search, and explore  just to find the good even in the drought you can find a trickle of water, even if it is just your own tear. There is good everywhere we just blind ourselves from seeing it.

I was so against moving back to Phoenix.  I hated Arizona with my whole heart, despised it. I’ve been here a month now and I have began looking for the good. It hasn’t made life perfect in the desert but it has made it a little more pleasant. There are some really interesting things here. Things that I had never thought of before. I had to get past the sand before I could appreciate the dust storm. I had to get past the rock before I could appreciate the landscape. I had to open my eyes and admire how the color pops on the colorless background. Yes, even in the desert there is beauty. I try to think of it as a painting. Some paintings you like better than others. Some paintings you hate at first glance… but when you really start to look at the dreadful painting your mind is able to explore all it has to offer. What was the artist trying to say? Well that is not any different from what my artist is doing here. I must ask Him what He is trying to say to me. I must open my ears, my eyes, and my heart so that I can not just listen but also hear. I know He is blessing me right now I am just not sure in what way at this time.

Do I miss the sea and the green of beautiful SoCal? Absolutely. I miss the landscape as if I miss my favorite blanket… I feel a little naked without it. Perhaps I am supposed to feel that way though. Perhaps this is my chance to truly lose myself, to take up my cross, and to follow my Artist. Perhaps I am not supposed to feel like me because He is painting a better picture for me. Truth be told I do not know.

I do know that I have recently been blessed. I have been able to return to Tae Kwon Do. I have began to make friends, to feel a little more human, and to have hope in a better future. I know that I am blessed well beyond what I deserve. The waves of grace have come down on my guilty soul and they have washed it out to the open sea of God’s endless love and grace.  I know that my Artist, my Creator, My God has a plan for me. I believe in my heartthat the plan is to prosper me, not to harm me. I believe that He is guiding me closer to Him. I believe.