Patterns of Behavior

Dear Friends,

A lot has been on my mind lately. For the past 11 months death has plagued my loved ones. I have felt exhausted beyond all words or description. 12 deaths in 11 months and one more on the way (not counting my mother). As I get older I begin to realize the delicacy of life. I want so badly to be good, to not live for myself and continue to life a life of purpose. Over the last few months I feel as if my life has been useless. I have been so exhausted. I would say everything started to go down hill around June or July. The death toll began to rise severely and I began to want to shut myself off from the world.I continued to do my best but I somehow lost my sense of humor. But let’s face it… I am not a Klingon. So for brief moments I would let my guard down enough to laugh for real, to have a good time. However, most of the time I felt sad. The loss was undefinable. I felt as if someone had done heart surgery on me and forgot to sew my heart back in. 

Summer camp rolled around and one of the days I went to visit my dad briefly. I love that man! I found out that he decided to ignore his cancer and just let life take it’s course. The numbness dissipated. When I arrived back at camp the Black Belts were all having their meeting and I went for a run on the trails. I ran and ran and ran until I was completely out of oxygen. My legs were so tired that they felt much like jello. But it felt so amazing. The adrenaline surged my veins and gave me a temporary high. Later that night I went out into the field and paced back and fourth as I talked to a good friend. No tears. Just adrenaline and AcH.

Since that day it became one death after another… old age, suicide, kidney failure, motorcycle crash, cancer, problems with surgery, etc.  And I became exhausted… Again. As 2010 approached the death toll had doubled and more were expected, are expected. A child with leukemia, a friend with cancer… MAN! I wondered if it would ever stop! The deaths, the various other stressors, drama at the dojang, all compiled together placed me on overload and then I realized that some things needed to change. Sometimes we can’t change the situations around us. Sometimes we can yell and scream and rebel and do whatever we want to feel as if we have control… but when it comes down to it we don’t.

So I bowed my head and asked for three things… Wisdom, Discernment and a peace that passes all understanding. I have no doubt in my mind that all three will become a part of my daily life. I still get shivers down my spine every time I pray and I have faith that within the next few months there will be change. Despite death. Despite degradation. Despite everything. I understand that my behavior recently has been a little rugged and a little inconsistent but I also understand that change is a beautiful thing…. it’s always happening. As a child I learned that my circumstances do not define me… but that I can define them.

-Maryia (Mariah) Sky Parish