21 %

So many people have so much advice that they are currently willing to provide. Others are prying into my life and trying to get me to be more involved with others socially and romantically. Ugh. No more advice please… and certainly no more match making!

My Computer claims that it has 21% of it’s battery left and though that sounds suffice it is much less than suffice when there is no plug-in in reach. So much is speeding through my mind. I want to be negative about so many things… and yet I am forcing the half glass full down my throat. As I swallow it my ego begins to disintegrate. The positive perspective is a tonic that kills my egoic nature. It is a bittersweet flavor that severs the unnecessary. In these trials my true character will be tested… and at times I will fail. And then I will get back up and try again. I suppose that the most difficult piece is others perceiving me in a negative light. Once upon a time I did not care. I wish that I could still say that I do not. I will work to get back to where I once was but perhaps I am not supposed to be there and that is why I am not.  I can’t blame my choices or changes in perspective on any single event in my life. Instead I must just let go and own them. If I hadn’t taken a breath and begun again, things would have ended much worse.

And yet I still feel like a child. Man I hate feeling like a child. Anytime someone doesn’t allow me to make a choice for myself I feel looked down upon. First I might feel angry that they underestimated my logical thinking patterns. Next I just feel sad because what this really tells me is that they do not know who I really am, what I am capable of or what my intentions are. And through all of this I somehow feel very much like a child. It’s an odd concept for me because I have always been an independent and intelligent thinker.

The difference is that now I’m not dealing with scraped knees and face plants. Band-aides with Rainbow Bright just don’t seem to fix things like they used to. But I have learned my lesson… no more wearing my heart on my sleeve… cut through the thread and release its stitches. I have gently placed what is left of it back in my chest guarded by it’s ivory  hollow. Now that its rhythm is healthily beating, it sets a new pace to my life. This thing, this life that I am living will not last forever and if I am not careful then it will be gone before I know it. I need to continue to learn and grow and develop as a human being. I need to try and make myself better than who I was the day before. Now don’t get me wrong I am not trying to make myself better than anyone else. The goal is to simply improve upon who I was yesterday.

The other day as I watched Sifu train his new student he said something valuable… Kung Fu is not important, cultivating the spirit is what is important. The words continued to echo inside my cerebrum. And I knew he was right. Taekwondo isn’t important, cultivating the spirit is important. Writing isn’t important, cultivating the spirit is important. Getting a degree isn’t important, cultivating my spirit is important. The things that we do are merely just tools to help cultivate who we are. and who we want to be. So everything that I have recently experienced can either be wasted… or it can be used to teach me so that I may grow. Hmmm… I like that. I will make the necessary changes and then I will grow.