If there was ever a time to be a little down it would be now. Four deaths. FOUR deaths in SIX weeks. For the most part I am doing better than I should be but at the same time I am indeed sad. I went Salsa dancing for the first time and found out that I’m pretty bad at it… and yet I had a blast. I never in my life thought I would have fun doing something like that. I thought I would be more of the type to hide in a corner and cower due to awkward social encounters. But I didn’t and I suppose it’s in part because I have some good friends. It was a good night that I really needed. Today I woke up and tried out day class again. I have been saying that I would go back for a while now so I figured it was time… plus I really just need something to distract me. I need some way to get some of this whatever it is out. I find myself unmotivated. This is not a good sign for someone who is always driven. I’m exhausted and have no motivation… weird. So I am forcing myself to get out and do stuff and be around people. I do not want to fall into some kind of depression that keeps me in bed all of the time. Nights are still the most difficult part, though I’m not sure why. So I haven’t found a cure for them yet. And I am utterly worried about school. My mind isn’t working as well as it should be, as well as it usually is and it is frightening me a tiny bit. I know all I need is a grieving period, a good break and a lot of people who I know care about me, adore me, etc. It’s hard that most of them live so far away. Makes a person kinda homesick for wherever their loved ones are.
Other than the deaths a million and two random things are happening. It’s been an odd couple of months and I am beginning to wonder exactly what kinds of changes 24 has brought with it. I… appear to have complicated my life quite a bit. I miss simple. But here I am. . . I’m a home school teacher/ Pseudo Parent to a 17 year old. I’m a graduate student studying psychology so if I decide to ever have my own child some day that I can provide for them. I want to finish writing my book but I have a case of writers block and I can’t find another job because I have a bachelors degree and it is much easier to hire a high school student. My life is filled with much irony. At least I can laugh about it 🙂 I know that this year is what I make of it. I know that life will inevitably end in death. I know that I am capable of great things… I just have to break down the illusion of impossibilities, go around barriers and create miracles. After all isn’t a miracle just something that everyone believes is impossible? I’ve seen a lot of those in my life. So though there is bad there is also much beauty and grace. It could be so much worse. I will find inspiration in both the complex and simple pieces of life because it is who I am.
