Ouch That Hurts

Death does not normally get to me. I’m not sure why. I’ve lost people I look up to, people I love and people that I was extremly close to. But Weds afternoon  I was not prepared. Perhaps my outlook on death was much different during my other losses. I know my thoughts and perspectives have shifted a great deal over the last few years. Or perhaps this one just caught me at a weak point in my life. I haven’t wanted to talk about it. Not yesterday and not today. I didn’t want to talk about much of anything. I just get kind of quiet. And then people start asking me what’s wrong all of the time… like that’s supposed to help. All that makes me do is think about it more. The funny thing is when I am silent or quiet I’m really not thinking about it… I’ve found myself to distract myself and then people ask these questions. They make me uncomfortable. I need to work on this. I am always willing to be there for others… but when it comes to me I want to do it by myself.  The occasional hey how ya holdin up? doesn’t bother me. Or how are you feeling today? Those are fine… it’s the ” hey we know this is a hard time and we love you (start hugging) and they go on and on and on” that makes me kind of angry. A tiny bit of space please. Questions are welcome… advice not so much. So this one is hitting me differently than most… I dunno why exactly. I guess 16 years is a long time to know someone… but other people I knew my whole life. Maybe it was his love and kindness. He was always coming to my shows no matter how long it took to drive there. He was at both of my graduations. He was at my baptisim. He’s always been there… and now he’s just not. It’s weird.

“It is hard to have patience with people who say ‘There is no death’ or ‘Death doesn’t matter.’ There is death. And whatever is matters. And whatever happens has consequences, and it and they are irrevocable and irreversible. You might as well say that birth doesn’t matter.”

– C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed