8 8 Dragonfly 8 8

What an interesting week it has been. My first grad school class is almost over. I’m pretty sure that I am getting a “B” in my first class due to a group project and find myself a little bummed. But that is not what is mostly on my mind.

Dragonfly is.

Dragonfly is a term that some cultures use to describe impermanence. Dragonflies live such short but beautiful lives… teaching us that what we do with our time is indeed important.

I love my family and find it very hard to believe that someday, some of them will close their eyes before me. With both of my parents being ill I know that the chances of them leaving this world sooner rather than later is a possibility. It hurts my heart to think of life without them. And some days I want to say “Please don’t take the ones I love.” but it is part of life’s cycles so I brace myself for the blow instead. I know that no matter what anyone says I cannot prepare myself for such loss. I will live through it and I will probably appear to be so strong but I will still be sad.

This saturday I was able to go and see my family. My dad looked so tired, so worn. My heart tried not to worry. I cleared my mind and focused on the moment… living in the hear and now. I  told   my heart that I couldn’t worry about the future. It would only waste the present.

I know all about impermanance. I have moved more than the average joe. I have lost people who I adore to cancer, organ failure and accedents. I have watched best friends move out of state, across the country or traveling around with the peace corp. I know that nothing is permanant. I am mostly at peace with that.

Amy and I met in junior high. We served on various committees  together and went on many crazy spontaneous adventures. When we were in high school we went to Mexico and did some medical humanitarian work in highly populated areas filled with poverty. When we were 16 we decided to go to Canada by greyhound with absolutely no plans. We had no idea what we would eat or where we would sleep. Amy and I lived only in the moment… even if it was stupid. A few years ago she moved to South Carolina to work at a year round camp for at risk girls. We talk a few times a year over the phone and laugh about how stupid we  were.

Theresa and I met in Mexico on the same trip where Amy and I traveled to work with people. We soon became good friends. We watched old musicals and drank coffee predicting our futures foolishly. Four years later she moved to Mexico and became a full time missionary. I talk to her probably about once a year.

I met Amber in college. We ended up living together for almost three years. We were in all of the same clubs, all of the same classes and I enjoyed our late night brilliant conversations about everything under the sun. Her family was like my family for a while. I absolutely adore every one of them! I went to San Francisco with them for the first time the summer of my Junior year. Somedays I miss them like crazy. This year Amber got accepted into Law School at Peperdine University in Malibu, CA. I miss our conversations like crazy but I am so proud of her.

I met Maggie and Steve when I was three. They took me in as if I was there own daughter. I lived with them for about a year  until Maggie was diagnosed with cancer. After treatment and a long battle (that she won) she ended up moving to Virginia to be closer to her family. I rarely talk to them a couple times a year and continue to adore them.

My mother gave birth to me almost 24 years ago. After much consideration and much debate she decided to move to michigan, then montana and then colorado to be closer to her siblings while her body withered away inside of her. Today she continues to fight for her health. I talk to her all of the time but haven’t seen her in almost 14 years.

I met Ileen when I was 8 years old. She was  always so encouraging and so loving. She was kind of the mother that I needed when mine wasn’t there. I adored her and she adored me. She gave me advice and showed me how to be a good woman with ambition and integrity. A couple of years ago her kidneys quit working. No replacement was in sight and dialasis quit working. I was on a camping trip in Eastern Washington when I got the call that she was no longer with us. It broke my heart.

I met Charlene when I was 14. She got me involved with the church choir where I sang for a short while. She had to quit directing a year and a half later when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. I quit when she did. Once in remission she thought about starting it back up but we spent more time hanging out instead. She made me laugh like crazy and I adored her as one of my female rolemodels. When I reached 17 she was diagnossed with bone cancer. The same week that I was camping and heard that Ileen passed I got news that she did too. I was one of the last people that she asked for and I don’t think that I will ever forget that.

Each time that I lost someone whom I loved I never asked why or please don’t take them away. I knew that it was the process of life. Well each time except this last Saturday when I saw my dad. I couldn’t see the cancer but I knew that it was slowly taking him over. I looked up at the sky and thought “please don’t take him.” I went back to camp and decided to go for a run. I ran and ran and ran until I had no more energy left in me. And it felt absoultly amazing. As I stopped by the river to take a quick break a small insect flew by me… dragonfly. I smirked and laughed under my breath. I then proceeded to continue my run until I reached the head of the trail that led back to camp.  The run cleared my mind and the small insect reminded me of impermanance.  Live here. Live now. The future will work out itself. I found myself at peace.

I am able to dance and sing and love living at this very moment. I feel so blessed to have known and loved so many people. I am indeed one lucky individual who is inspired by the lives of others whom I have met and by the lives of others who I will meet. What a wonderful adventure this life is.