Broken Hearts, Bad chapters in choose-your-own-adventure books, and Bright Beginnings

   Last night I was up until almost 7:30am finishing my first Grad School, 5th ed APA, formatted paper. I then woke up at 10:30. I’m not sure how I did it but I don’t feel an ounce of tired in my body. Earlier today I can honestly say that was not the case. I had a hard day getting started. Since then I have picked up my guitar, made a very strong batch of Chai (possibly explaining the lack of sleepiness) and finished all of my homework that is due tomorrow. Everything is a day ahead schedule. It’s beautiful because that means besides teaching I get ALL of tomorrow off! 

I am so excited! Going to school 7 days a week is challenging even if it does mean that I will Graduate with a Masters Degree in February of 2011, so a day off is like heaven on earth!

Today As I sit here with my cup of Chai and think about everything under the sun I like to view my life as one of those choose your own adventure books, you know the ones that most of us used to read as kids. I have viewed the last five years as a complete adventure! There are some chapters that I wish that I could have avoided but avoiding them would have brought me to a new place and I am pretty excited to be on the path that I am on right now. 

Last year was a really big deal for me. As I look back I see that I was at a crossroads… WOW. I see the path that I could have taken I know where it would have led me and I am amazed by how my life has turned out because I did not take it.  

Saying goodbye is never easy but in this case it was so necessary. I cannot believe that it was over a year and a half (give or take) since My engagement failed. It’s strange to think that someone proposed to me it’s even stranger to think about how I had the courage to break it off. It is difficult when you know that someone is bound to get hurt. I don’t think I had ever cried so much in my entire life.

I was such an ignorant child. I wore my heart on my sleeve. I was much too forgiving and much too understanding.  I wanted so badly to make someone happy who could have cared less about my happiness. He made me feel like I was such a little person.

When we broke up things got rather nasty. He convinced me that I made him an alcoholic, that I made him depressed because I didn’t want to be with him and sadly part of me believed it. I found myself thinking that I was a horrible person, destroying someone that I loved because of selfish reasons. 

Well my “selfish reasons” were not wanting to rush into marriage and not wanting to “constantly feel talked down to or degraded” My “selfish reasons” were not being sure that I wanted to be with someone who was going to be the father of someone else’s baby.  My “selfish reasons” were not wanting to sleep with someone whom I wasn’t “in-love” with.

I now can see that selfish was not the correct word…logical was. The logical individual inside me wouldn’t let emotion win over reason. Where would I be right now? I would be married to some man who made me feel like nothing… possibly birthing his children. That would be my life because I dislike divorce so much. That would be my life… that’s it. All I can see is a very unhappy Sky.

Not long after we broke up the writing of my book flowed onto paper. I was inspired as a felt a strange sense of freedom, even through my sadness.  I moved to a new section of town and began making new friends. I also began taking on activities that would help me create the main character in my book. One of those activities was Martial Arts. I didn’t expect to last a month.

For my first two weeks of Martial Arts it was my little secret. I felt like the main character in my book as I snuck out three times a week to go training. My roommates had no idea where I was going, my friends were quite unsuspecting and I felt like I was living a double life. It was liberating to walk out of my apartment and sneak off to a place that NO ONE, I mean NO ONE would expect me to go. 

But then one day I left my uniform laying on my bed in my room and my roommate saw it. If I would have been more stealthy than perhaps I could have continued my double life even longer… but it ended. She thought it was absolutely ridiculous and that I was “wasting my time and money.” But she humored me most of the time anyway. About a month later she moved out and I got another roommate… off of Roommates.com. DON’T DO THAT! It’s weird and it’s a bad idea.

More months passed and before I knew it I was laid off from my job due to the economy… though I really disliked that job anyway. I continued training… I moved several times, met a ton of new people and even cemented friendships that turned into chosen family.

It was through this chosen family that I became inspired to pursue my dreams of attending graduate school. Somewhere along the way I had begun to believe that I was not intelligent enough to get in, let alone be able to complete a degree.

And this is what leads me to TODAY! I am living with a good friend, surrounded by people I adore, working on my book, practicing an amazing sport, and working on my masters degree in the program of study that I had planned on getting almost ten years ago.

If I had stayed with Nate none of the things that I am working on would be possible. I would be tied down in a one-sided relationship going no where fast. Don’t get me wrong, I hold no bitter feelings for that boy, he taught me a lot about myself… and what I am capable of becoming. He also taught me what I do and do not want in a man. I have come to realize that I deserve someone who adores me. They don’t have to be brilliant or rich (though I would like funny) but they do have to adore me… I wont settle for less than that.

So my “choose your own adventure” in life is coming along not how I had planned… it is even better. I believe that for whatever reason I was with Nate there was a lesson for me to learn, possibly one that I had been attempting to learn for many lives. And the freedom and knowledge that I gained from that relationship was so freeing and such a relief in my heart that I must have finally gotten something right.

Right now everything appears to be flowing just as it should. My roommate always says that if you want something you should lean in that direction and the universe will take care of the rest… so this is me leaning in that direction. I hope that you are too.