I found you when I was still a child. Well, in my mind sixteen is still a child anyway. I had high hopes and a mind full of energy and drive. I had passion and aspirations. I believed that you my dear would take me far beyond my dreams. This past week I have seen photo after photo of you and many videos as well. To see these broke my heart. It was as if I was looking at pictures of a love one who had passed away. My heart cried though no tears fell from my eyes. I simpy miss you. So tonight as I think of you I will write our story… the good times and the bad.
Once upon a time in a galaxy far far away (or so it seems now) I was a young high schooler. I began looking into colleges as a junior because all of my friends were but I never intended to go. I just wanted to fit in with them… and please my teachers. Summer of 2003 brought interesting feelings as one of my best friends prepared to leave for George Fox University. I felt awkward staying in high school another year without all of my friends but thought it was best anyway.
As part of Amy and I’s summer plans we attended the Rose Fest… against her mother’s wishes. Oh Cascade I had no idea you would make an impression on me this day. Amy and I stood in the autograph line to say goodbye to one of our favorite artists… who we had ironically ran into at the airport earlier that day (ha I almost forgot about that). Anyway we were standing in the autograph line when this very energentic guy turned around and started talking to us. He asked us what year we were in school, etc and then he started talking about his school. He went to this little campus that neither Amy or I had ever heard of and he appeared to absolutly love it. He talked about how they were all a family and how it had changed his life, etc. Amy and I kind of wrote it off. But then our little minds began to turn and we began to joke about you dear Cascade.
As a joke I visited Cascade College in November of 2003. It was a couple of days before my 17th birthday and I would be staying the night on campus. As I toured the small campus something came over me… fear. I had visited many campuses before this one but none of them had brought on fear. This place was different and as I looked inside myself I knew that this is where I would end up. That night I stayed in Rachel’s room and watched Bat Thumb..haha. The next day we made a trip to Starbucks and sipped warm hot chocolate. It had been a good visit. I applied for admission and thenI left… changed.
A few weeks later my “acceptance letter” (hehe) arrived in the mail. It was the day of my winter formal. We had stopped to get the mail on the way to the dance… I remember it was raining pretty hard (I know imagine that… rain in Oregon!). I opened the small letter and saw the first word… Congratulations. I was excited because I knew… I just knew it would be where I would end up. I had applied for six colleges and universities and had been accepted to every single one. But Cascade chose me. Yes… you chose me. That night I sat down with my publications teacher and mapped out my future. I was going… I had decided I was going.
I told my parents about you not long after. They appeared to be rather upset about the whole idea. Shouting emerged… how will you pay for this! What were you thinking? Who put you up to this? You can’t afford this! Did you think we were going to pay for this?! I don’t think so. I walked to my room in dissapointment. I had hoped that they would be excited… at least as excited as I was. I had recieved just the opposite. I went to bed early that night… praying that there was some way that I could go… anyway that I could go. I could hear my older sister through the door. She was angry… “why can’t you just support her for once?” “Are you really that affraid of her failing?” “She doesn’t expect you to pay for it. She hardly ever has you pay for anything?” “I’m so dissapointed in you guys.” and then she stomped away. Many mixed thoughts filled my mind as I fell asleep that night.
Each of the following weeks my parents would remind me of my lack of money. What they didn’t know… and wouldn’t listen to is that I had been applying for scholarships for the last year and a half, my psychology teacher paid for my SAT’s, that I had been getting A’s in honors classes (that they didn’t even know I was in) and that I had been volunteering like crazy to build a resume.
Spring came and faded so quickly and high school was almost at a close. We had an awards assembly for the seniors, one which I tried not to tell my parents about. HOWEVER, the crazy people who were a part of the school MAILED my parents an invite. Now usually my parents didn’t go to such events but this one they decided to go to for some reason. I had kept my academic life a secret up until now… and now everything would come out in the open. I was terrified. If it would have just been my dad I would have been fine… he and I have always gotten along. However, my aunt had come along too. I knew that this would be weird. I didn’t like the gut wrenching feeling that toiled inside… TROUBLE.
We sat some where in the middle off to the side of the room. I asked if I could go sit by my friends and my aunt said yes. I wasn’t sure what to expect. First they announced most improved… I think that’s what my parents expected I would get. When they noticed that I didn’t I saw them kind of look over at me (but you can’t really improve A’s). Then they gave out our letters for our letterman jacket… those didn’t appear to shock them. Yes… I was one of the nerds that got letters for things like theatre, vocal jazz, community service, concert choir, etc… oh yeah and Academics. That one did surprise them. Yikes. But I made it through that piece alive. Then the next part came… honor roll and presidents awards… both academic awards. When my name was called they looked over at me shocked. Whose child was this? They did not know about my secret academic life. The last part of the assembly was scholarships. So many were called out and I appeared to have been the recipiant of at least 1/3 of them. My hard work had paid off. Little did I know that I would have recieve over $40,000.00 in scholarships and grants over the next four years.
I started packing my things up the week before I intended to leave for college. I intended to pay off the remaineder of my fees and buy my computer with the money I had recieved from the insurance claim of a nasty automobile accident two years prior. As soon as the check arrived I placed all of the money in a CD until I graduated from high school… I planned on using it for college though it wasn’t much.
As my last boxes were packed I asked my parents if they would be willing to give me a ride to the campus. They still did not believe that I was going. I had them look at my room and see that it was packed and they literally thought I was crazy… that I had made up some story about going to college and convinced myself that it was true. They refused to take me. I called my sister and told her what was going on. Her and her boyfriend drove to my house, helped me pack my things into the car and drove me to 9101 E. Burnside where I would start college. I was a little bummed that I didn’t have parents to go to the parent orientation with so I skipped it and stayed in my dorm room that night.
My roommate showed up the next day. She seemed nice enough but we had nothing at all in common. I felt awkward and out of place as I unpacked my… old things. Everything she owned had just been purchased even she looked new. She was gorgeous and it made me feel so plain. As I laid in bed that first night I could not sleep and I missed home. Everything about it felt awkward and uncomfortable and I felt as if I had made a mistake. I told myself to think about it in the morning and tried to force myself to go to sleep. I woke up the next day and started filling the walls with photo’s from my friends back home. I believe that helped but I couldn’t be certain. Next we were off to twin rocks for Freshman O. I hungout with my roommate and her friends the whole time. I didn’t enjoy it. I didn’t make new friends. Frankly it just made me uncomfortable. The only enjoyable piece that I remember was talking to Kristen about plays that she had planned on directing… and about VISIONS. I was excited to get involved in theatre again! That was the moment I decided that I would not be hanging out with my roommate on a regular basis. We would live together, probably like eachother… but we wouldn’t really be friends.
I made my first friends on the bus home from orientation. When we arrived back on campus we ate spaghetti o’s that were heated in the microwave for dinner. Jessica and Stacie lived on the second floor, while I lived on the third. I made frequent visits down stairs for the remainder of the semester.
Soon after school got into swing I had begun working two work study jobs to help pay for everything. I was exhausted but felt very greatful for the work that I had. My first workstudy position was in the cafeteria washing dishes. Luckily Robert was working in there at that time and he was showing me the ropes. He made work seem a little less… miserable. Though I hated feeling like I constantly smelt like nasty cafeteria food that would never wash off. I worked in the cafeteria for a year. New workers would come and go and each of us would find certain ways to try and make it fun. However, hours began to multiply and soon I was getting exhausted. There were some nights that we would be cleaning up until 10pm because others had skipped work for one reason or another. My second job was cleaning the girls dorms…yikes. I very much disliked this job and ended up keeping it for only a semester! Girls are dirty!
In the begining of my freshman year Service clubs began to advertise their gear. Lambda’s wanted everyone to know they were Lambda’s and Delta’s wanted everyone to know they were Delta’s, etc. I remember one day I was late to chapel because of work. They had all of the freshman girls who had not yet pledged sit in one of the first three rows. I squeezed into a row with a bunch of people that I had not yet met. It was rush week and all of the clubs were talking about how great they were. When it was the Delta’s turn they got up… all of them got up and went to the front of chapel. I was the last one remaining in my row. There was literally no one else left.. just me. Weird huh! As rush week unfolded I began to think about possibly joining a club. I had no idea if I actually wanted to or not but I was considering.
I skipped the Delta rush that monday because I had no intention of becoming a Delta but I managed to make it to the rush party of the other two clubs. Early the next week I was pretty set on Lambda’s but several events leading up to my decision changed my mind. I remember the night before we did our public announcement I ran down to the first floor to tell Saryl my decision. I leaned over and wispered… Delta. She jumped up and down as she leaned over and said “me too.”
Initiations came and went. Friendships were formed and cliques created. That was my best year as a Delta. For the next three I was either inactive or only involved for a semester. The kind of service they did I was less passionate about. A lot of childcare! Which is important but I was more into poverty, etc.
I co-founded two clubs that year. The first was founded with Kristen… GREASE PAINT. and the second with Jen… The Psychology Club.
C.S. Lewis once said “I never knew that grief felt so much life fear.” and you know what… I understand.
