Cougar people mustn’t allow others to keep them stationary—

I’ve had several conversations with friends recently and they have had very good advice. Just as my totem tells me… I mustn’t ever remain stationary or stagnant… my friends have reinforced it. I must strive to achieve what I am capable of…. both spiritually and intellectually. And I agree. I’ve felt so stuck lately. I hate that trapped feeling… like if I do this then someone will be highly disappointed in me. But the truth is that I’ve always had people who have been disappointed with me. Like when I was 8 and had to choose between my mom and my dad… that really stunk. No matter what I chose someone was going to be disappointed. Then My parents didn’t really want me to go to college and I did that anyway. I’m happy that they are okay with it now but at the time it was a mess. For 3 years it was a mess. Every culture is somewhat different. But if I stayed there  I would have felt trapped. So no matter how uncomfortable it was I had to leave. And not just for me either… for many reasons. There are a million and two others that I could list but who wants to hear that kind of depressing stuff? Not me! However, I seem to have gotten myself somewhat stuck at this moment. I kind of feel trapped. I feel like if I do what’s best for me it is letting down what is best for someone else. And no matter how badly I know I have to go… I know that I have to. I cannot be a parent to a 17 year old child any longer. I am not a parent. And it’s going to suck. I’m going to be disappointed that I left her alone. But I have to do this. I cannot allow myself to continue to be held back any longer. I can’t not get a job just because I’m helping out a friend. And it’s hard because my culture says one thing and this culture says another thing. But I’ve gotta get out of this rut that I fell into. I can stay here and help her out and lose myself or I can get out there in the world, help many people and continue to grow. I know that I cannot stay stagnant no matter how bad I may feel. I know that the right thing to do is get out… that’s why I am so excited for Grad school and the Move and all of the other changes that are surrounding me. But I think I’m going to need TKD as I progress through these changes. It seems to be the only steady thing in my life. The last 5 days I have begun getting stir crazy without it. My heart longs to be there…so I think I need to keep it.