There is something about failing yourself that makes life a tad challenging…

   ” I was focusing so hard on breathing and trying to keep my anxiety at a minimum that I lost my concentration.” I replied

    “What do you think causes the anxiety? They asked

    ” I’m not really sure. I guess I don’t like being in front of a group of people who I know are judging my every move.” I said.
   
    ” What about that makes you most nervous?” They asked.

   ” I’m just afraid that if I mess up then they wont think I’m capable of completing the task and they will think less of me.” I answered.

  “Why is that important to you?” The asked.

 ” I suppose because I respect and admire their opinion of me.” I replied.

 ” But does their opinion of you make you who you are? Does their opinion of you define what you are truly capable of doing? Does their opinion of you truly represent your heart and mind and what you are capable of overcoming? They asked.

 “I suppose not.” I answered.

” So why does it matter?” They asked.

” I’m not sure. It just does.” I answered.

” What happens when you get anxious or nervous?” They asked.

” Well first my palms get all sweaty and shaky, then my stomach hurts and from there it depends… I either proceed and have no memory of what I have accomplished or my heart rate speeds up and I work so hard to calm myself down before I have an anxiety attack that I forget everything… even my phone number. Does that make any sense?” I replied. 

“Have you tried to find ways to control this?” They asked.

“Of course I have!” I answered.

“What are some of the methods you have used?” They asked.

” Breathing techniques, chemical alteration from certain foods (I’m against meds and what they do to your brain.), Meditation sometimes works, etc. When I was in college each of the professors kind of had their own way to help me remember.” I said.

“Can you use any of those methods now?” They asked.

“I can’t really use any of the methods my professors used because they aren’t really applicable and out of the other methods sometimes the chemical alteration from certain foods helps and meditation helps a ton. For Meditation I’ve got to have a nice chunk of time in the place I will be performing though.” I replied.

“Are you willing to try any new methods?” They asked.

“Heck yes! I’m game… as long as it’s not medication.” I said. 

“What’s so wrong with the medication.” They asked.

“Do you really want to hear that soapbox?” I asked.

“Sure.” They answered.

” Well it is my belief, partially due to studies that I have conducted myself, that anxiety is a normal piece of everyday life. However people are unique in how they deal with their anxiety and what triggers their anxiety as well as the extent of the anxiety that each individual experiences. There are so many factors like genetics, biochemistry, and environmental history that contribute to anxiety disorders and we can’t just take a miracle pill to fix it for everyone. That is reason number 1.  

Some of the research says that their are abnormalities in these chemicals and so we should fix them by giving them meds to alter each of these chemicals. However, most of the time they have no idea how an individuals body will react to these meds and they have to “experiment” to get the right doses. This ends up doing more harm than help as it causes new mood disorders, weight gain, and makes many lethargic.  Many also cause blurred vision, dizziness, muscle tremors, insomnia, and drowsiness. The side effects of each drug can go on and on so I will spare you and wont list them all.”  I said.

“Thanks. So what does this have to do with you.” She replied. 

“I’m getting to that. First, there are no drugs specifically designed for anxiety. They are currently using antidepressants and beta-blockers, etc. And for some people this works and they are happy with it. However, for me I refuse to place a chemical altering drug in my body that messes with my brain and the appropriate chemical flow.  I believe that these drugs are merely band aids for the real problem and they just end up creating new problems for the individual who takes them. They alter pieces of our brain chemistry that shouldn’t be altered, that have no reason to be altered. I believe that these drugs mess up people more than they help them. I believe that these drugs become a crutch and a label for many individuals in American today. I believe that this is a problem that I am capable of dealing with and that there is a completely natural and harmless way for me to  treat, if not cure my anxiety without altering the brain with “a quick fix” drug.  Not to mention how much the drug companies must be making of of this junk.

I know that these views seem kind of harsh and they go against the grain but they are my personal views and I am choosing to stick by them even if that means that sometimes I have really bad anxiety. Does that make sense?” I added.

“So what’s the difference between using foods to alter your chemicals versus using medication?” They asked.

“I was wondering when that question would come around. Well for one the food that I put in my body, that I have been putting in my body is the food that was intended for our bodies. I try to leave out anything with Hydrogenated oils, Palm Oil, High Fructose Corn Syrup, etc. And if I had it my way then it would also all be organic but sometimes that gets too pricey.  I try not to place anything into my body that is man made. Man made kind of freaks me out. Now I’m not a complete health freak… I love homemade bread and all kinds of carbs at times but I am careful about what I put in my body.

You know what one of the best treatments for anxiety is that I have found is? Fresh non chlorinated water.  75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated. Dehydration really does effect emotion ya know. And chances are that if you are dehydrated you are also lacking in electrolytes… that can mess anyone up. So my number one rule is water! 

Next is simple. Studies have shown that individuals with anxiety who change their diets from high proteins and carbs to more fresh fruits and vegetables are more likely to cure their anxiety.” I stated.

“Why do you think that is?” They asked.

“Ah now we get to the center of it all. On average, most individuals eat a very acidic diet opposed to an alkaline diet. Those who have a acidic diet are more likely to have a lower resistance to stress as well as series of various serious health problems. The food we eat doesn’t only make our bodies healthier it also makes our mental health healthier. I bet you are wondering what is an acidic and what is an alkaline?  Well proteins, nuts, grains, and dairy products (except yogurt) along with alcohol, sugar, and salt are acidic foods. Whereas fruit, vegetables, and juices, are alkaline. It is also smart to keep up to date on your flax seed oil and vitamin B complex. I could go on and on when it comes to the chemistry in the brain but I think that I have said enough to make my point. If you are curious I’d look into some of the research on food and the brain. It’s very insightful if you ask me.” I said.

“Yeah I said. Just need to tweak my anxiety a bit.” I said.

” So what about the next belt test, if you decide you want to test again that is?” They said.

“Well after this last test I realized how bad the anxiety had gotten. It wasn’t nearly as bad as it was the day of my college graduation but it was a sign that if I don’t take care of it now that it could be that way in the future. So I’m really going to concentrate on not eating a whole lot of red meats. Red meats tend to bind to the serotonin receptors and then they can’t successfully get through the Blood Brain Barrier. It’s kinda a scary thing. So for the next few months I am going to stick with chicken and fish. Still high in protein but nowhere near as bad for me. I am also going to chug as much water as I can and eat as many fresh green veggies as possible. Though I’ve never really had a problem with the fruits and veggies.  And Meditate and Pray. If that doesn’t work then I don’t know what will.” I said.

“So how do you feel about your belt test now, now that you’ve had a few days to think about it?” They asked.

“Honestly, I still cringe a little bit when I think about it. I really didn’t want to wear my new belt but Jeanie insisted that I did. I’ve had some really good conversations with people who have seen me practice my forms and have seen me have them down. I’ve talked to some of the people that I helped with their forms and who were shocked to see me forget. And I feel a little better. 

I also know that yeah my instructors were a little disappointed with me. But I also know that they had no idea that I had just gotten some pretty bad news about 20 minutes before the test started. I also know that they use me as an example because they only want me to get better. Could some of them handled it differently? Yes. Do they even have an idea of how small they made me feel? No. I know that they only want to see me get better. So for the next few weeks will they be disappointed in me? Think I tested to quickly? Probably. But as far as I am concerned I earned my belt. This was a challenging test for me. No doubt about it… I kinda lost my cool. But I also learned a lot more than I would have if I hadn’t.” I responded.

“So do you think that you were just handed your belt undeservingly?” They asked.

” I really thought so at first. It made me feel guilty like I bought it or like I owed them something. They made me feel like they were just handing me this belt because they felt sorry for me or because they were doing me a favor… but the truth is if they were handing me that belt as a favor it wouldn’t have been a favor at all. It would have stunted my learning and the belt wouldn’t have meant a thing. They made me feel very small but I also understand that I was one of the higher color belts there so they had to make an example out of me. They weren’t trying to be mean, they were just trying to be my teacher.  Sometimes that’s a hard pill to swallow. It’s never easy to be the bad example. 

Do they think less of me? Maybe. 

Is that going to stop me? Probably not.

Am I a Martial Artist for them? No. I am doing this for me. 

Does it make it hard when someone you respect doesn’t have faith in you or stand up for you? Yes. Because that proves to me that they don’t see who I am, they don’t see my heart and that they waiver on what they believe I am capable of. Sometimes that’s challenging. But I can’t hold it against them. All that means is that I will have to continue to be me until they see it. And if they never do see it then that’s okay too. I’m not going to get angry and run away just because a couple of people see me differently than I would like them to. 

So did I earn my belt? Now I know that I did.
I earned it because I did know my material.I earned it because I put so much sweat and blood and life into it.I earned it because every time I go up there and test I am facing one of my biggest fears. I earned it because I learned so much from it. So I didn’t do as well as the other students. So I screwed up a great deal.
It happens. It happens to everyone.
And if others don’t think I deserve it then it is only evidence that they do not know me and the effort that I’ve put into it.

I’m okay with that now. I can’t say that I was okay with it before today. It was almost like I needed them to believe in me before I could believe in myself.
This test showed me that… that was a very wrong perspective to have. It’s nice to have others believe in me but I don’t need them in order to believe in myself.
I doubted myself and that should be my biggest disappointment. But I learned from it.
So yes… I earned this belt. I probably earned it more than any of my other belts. If the test is easy then what have I learned? But if it is difficult… what haven’t I learned? I said with a smile.

“I never thought of it like that.” My friend said.

“Neither had I.” I replied.