Not So Beautiful Days
Yesterday was really quite challenging for me. I find that my S.A. (social anxiety) is progressively getting worse these days. I felt physically ill before yesterdays test and had to use way too much energy and concentration to get myself to quit shaking and calm down. I felt like such a loser, I can honestly say that I’ve never felt that small. I had gotten better over the years being in front of people, but the anxiety for tests has continued getting much much worse.
I remember being in college when the teacher assigned a pop quiz and I froze. I started getting so upset just looking at it that I froze… sweaty hands and almost in tears (which is a pretty big deal to me because I don’t cry). So I concentrated on my breathing and told myself simply to not do the quiz. As each student walked out of class I waited there until the room was empty. My professor, who had now known me for almost four years was shocked. He had always seen me as calm and collected and confident and always getting A’s. This time I was pretty calm but not very collected and much to my surprise he was very concerned. I’m not sure how I looked that day but it must have been pretty worn and torn because he excused me from the quiz. I felt so much shame.
For a little while it seemed to get better in some ways. My hands would be clammy and my heart would speed up a little or I might not even remember taking the exam but the shaking and racing mind and almost tears was rare. Last night it swung at me full force. I felt like someone had filled my insides with needles and every time I moved I got stabbed. I don’t know exactly what triggered this but I don’t like it. It could have been a number of things combined. But the worst part last night was not knowing how to shut it off… not beating it. Shame. I felt a lot of shame. I thought it was just embarrassment but no… it was shame. I had failed myself and those who had taught me. Shame. A lot of shame. I knew that they were all disappointed in me and a lot of faith in me was lost.
I wanted to hide. And I wish that I could but that my friends is not who I am. That I can tell you. If there is one thing I can tell you about myself… it is that I never give up even when I should, even when others try to force me to. That’s not how I work. So last night I was upset that I had failed…. at so many things.
C.S. Lewis once said that “Failures are lampposts on the road to achievement.” So now the important thing is to figure out how to use this as a learning experience, as a way to grow instead of way to berate myself. Each failure is just another obstacle to overcome and then we grow. So no matter what I think at this exact moment I know that I will grow or change because of this experience. It’s just part of the journey and I have to accept that sometimes I will fail… at remembering something I’ve practiced a million times… at being able to control my anxiety, at random little things that the universe throws my way. And I have to accept that that is okay.
Thomas Edison once said “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work”. Therefore I can feel disappointed in myself and I can feel a little down and others can be disappointed in me too. That’s okay. But when if I give up… if I remain stagnant and quit trying that is when I have truly failed. Does that mean that I am confident at this moment? No. Does that mean that I feel any bigger than a small ant? No. I felt completely humiliated. Will I get over it? Yes. Will I let my humility get me down? I will work through it. I will go to class even if they don’t believe in me. I will continue to grow daily.