*Soberly Somber*

I sat and stared at the beautiful wooden box, a box that encompassed the shell of a great man. But not just any great man, a great man who was a difference maker in the lives of those whom surround me. It is here that I glanced around and saw grief and vulnerability and invisibility. I felt powerless. I felt invisible. I prayed that I somehow can be a difference maker… that I could be their rock in this time of need. So though sadness pierced my heart I would not let tears cascade down my cheeks. Strength is my only gift in times like these. It is a difficult gift to give sometimes but more than necessary.

I have lost more than my share of loved ones, friends, mentors and acquaintances to know that words cannot cure these kinds of wounds. A silent hug would have been suffice. A hand holding mine would have been more than enough. I know words create more harm than help in times like these. And yet I still say stupid things like “how are you holding up?” UGH. I frustrate myself when I say stupid things like that. I wish I could smack myself up the head.

My goal is to either be a silent rock or someone who makes others laugh and forget for twenty seconds that they are hurting. Sometimes I’m neither but I’d sure like to be both. I’ve got my work cut out for me. But I digress…

I sat there understanding just how precious and delicate life is. All of us will be there someday. And it is here at times like these that I have to hope for heaven. Too many loved ones hurt much too badly to be separated for eternity. I believe in a God who places love above all else. I believe in a God who is compassionate enough to reunite his children after a long journey, half of which seems to be uphill. And it reminds me of who I want to be…A great difference maker behind the scenes. I do not need a spotlight to tell me when I should be making a difference. Every moment of every day I should be trying. Behind the scenes. Behind closed doors. In the lives of those whom I come in contact with each day… no matter who they are.

So I sat there in that pew thinking of my loved ones…and my definition of a loved one might differ from yours so let me help you understand:

MY LOVED ONES are THE PEOPLE WHO TOUCH MY LIFE EACH DAY… in BIG ways and in SMALL ways. They all contribute to who I am… whether I can wear my heart on my sleeve around them or whether they challenge me in various ways. I love them. In different contexts of course but I do love them.

And I sat there watching them try to sit still and try to control their emotions… and I saw them in pain. Like pins and needles in my heart it ached. I so badly wanted to be there for them. Despite my grief, I knew theirs was worse. It broke my heart to know that they were hurting… and empathy convinced my heart that it wanted to jump into my stomach. Logic and love for them told me to hold it together, to be their rock, even if they didn’t see it. This was my small contribution, a hope that I too would become a difference maker in their lives. For them I would do just about everything… though I knew that there was nothing that I could do for them. So I just loved them.

I sat there awakened by the situation. I knew that this was part of life. I have seen so many people pass on and I realized something… you never get used to this kind of thing. People try to tell you that each time it will get easier but I’m beginning to think that with age and understanding it really does get more difficult. I prayed that they would find peace that passed all understanding. Little comfort was gained. I just held their hands and caught their tears upon my shoulder… I remained there… surrounded by my loved ones… Soberly Somber.

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