I have no idea how this blog will turn out… like all of my writing it seems to have a mind of its own. I am a writer… I write even when I have nothing to say. It’s my way of taking my thoughts, organizing them and then figuring out what to keep and what to throw out. It is here that I calm my expeditious mind. My constant stream of thinking tends to flow at a rapid pace. It is never slow. I’m ok with that. Even if it means that others cannot understand exactly how I skip from one subject to another.. they all are connected by something to me. This is also why when I am writing I occasionaly leave out words… my hands cannot type as fast as my mind processes its thoughts. It’s funny and frustrating at the same time. This little blog however is just intended to be an update… life has spun me in directions I didn’t know existed.
One day I wake up and I’m on the move… the next I have settled into a new environment like some color changing chamelion. I blend.
I’m begining to see the trend in all of this. I meet people… I fall in love with them (not speaking romantics here) and then it is my time to move again… to be somewhere else… to find yet another family.
I cannot understand the trust that almost perfect strangers bestow on me. I have more house keys to various peoples houses than a janitor has on his key ring… and the further in life I go the more that these keys appear to accumulate. It’s strange.
It is not something that I can assimilate cognitively. I do not intentionally run into someone and assume that we will be best buddies… it just happens. It’s happened my entire life. I’m not sure if it is a gift.
But until recently I haven’t realized it. Now that I’ve realized it I’ve learned to appreciate it. I don’t know what it is that makes people think that they can trust me… with their children or house keys or deepest darkest secrets but the weird thing is that they’re right. Once they have entrusted me with their most valuable things… I cannot dissapoint them. People need to know that not everyone is bad.
I am not necissarily good but I wont let them down if I can at all help it. I learn to love them. Love them despite all of their imperfects and despite my own.
This is my biggest weakness. And my most wonderful trait all in one. The responsibility is colossal as is the heartbreak when the entrustment or conviction isn’t reciprocated.
There is pain where there is pleasure. But I wouldn’t take it back. It’s everything that I asked God for. I wanted Him to give me a heart to see the good in everyone and love regardless of what they have done wrong. It worked. He gave me what I asked for.
It’s been a rollercoaster… and I think I’ll stay on the ride. Who wants to sit back and watch life happen? I’d rather live it… despite the heartache. Despite the goodbyes. Destpite the pain that comes with it. I know that whatever happens, that no matter where I go… there will always be family. Some I’ve met and some I will meet along the way.
When it comes to this area of my life… I really am “like water”… put me into a teapot and I become a teapot… put me into a glass and I become the glass… I change with my surroundings. However, I am still water. My shape might change but my heart does not. I’m pretty sure that this isn’t how Mr. Lee intended the phrase to be used.
But I digress… this wasn’t really an update at all was it?! It was another aimless and pointless ranting of a mind constantly firing… electricity that never sleeps. Neron after neron… dendrite after dendrite… axon after axon…chemical after chemical… protected by a sheath that cannot be penetrated by the outside world until my choosing. What a beautiful charge…a writers cherub. I couldn’t dream for anything more. I find myself content with my imperfect and unfinished life. This Journey Is Not My Own….